A random midnight letter from 7/2/22

Dear FutureMe, I think I’m doing okay. Not going to lie, I don’t really have a plan with this letter. It is currently 3:03 AM when I’m starting this. But I don’t think I’ve written a letter to you in quite some time so I decided it would probably be good to take a moment to reflect. (This is off topic but I think in my past letters, I had a cipher which is going to be annoying to deal with in a few years. Hopefully I didn’t make it too hard to crack…) Therefore, to make this easier on you—and assuming the likelihood of prying eyes seeing this is low— I will keep this uncensored. I think I’ve made quite a bit of progress in terms of my mental health. I no longer have constant suicidal ideation, I’m not violently depressed, and I’m actually hanging out with friends a lot. It is always crazy to me knowing that I had such violent struggles in the past. Like, I got diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and a tic disorder, but it’s insane to me that I’ve been dealing with this for so long. Literally since I was 10/11, so about 6-7 years. It’s insane to me that one of the thoughts humming in the back of my mind during quarantine was “I will be dead/have attempted suicide before I hit college.” I couldn’t fathom a life in which I didn’t try ******* myself before I turned 18 because of how ****** I felt all the time. But when I thought about actually ******* myself, it scared me. I think it took a month or two to figure out that it was because I didn’t actually wanna die. I just wanted the pain to stop by getting help. I remember Googling something along the lines of, “I want to attempt suicide but not die.” And it confused me.