A letter from Jan 01, 2023

Happy New Year, Camille! How's your year so far? Was it good? Tell me about it or probably write a reply for next year. I'm doing well, by the way. Much more better than the past years I've been. But I don't know why I'm still crying while writing this. The thing is, I still feel so lonely. Better but... still lonely. 2022 was definitely something. I can't believe I did and experienced all of those in a year and since I really don't have anyone else to share these stuff even when my phone was not broken, yes it's currently broken. The most down I've been was the start of 2022, it was bittersweet to finally leave everything in my hometown and start something new in Cebu. Although, I still cried about a lot when I first moved out. Homesickness is real and it was kind of unfair that I only started getting close with my siblings when I had to leave, I couldn't bear the guilt of finally being able to get out of my toxic household when they're still stuck here for years to come and yes I am currently writing this in my room. But I managed to get by. I'm finally adjusting well and I find it more peaceful without anyone beside me. And of course, you finally got checked by a doctor and had your surgery for your gallstones. God, we've been in pain for years because of that ****, I'm so glad they finally removed it. The doctor advised and it's pretty much common sense to live a healthy life right but we kind of took a different path. A month after and we finally have experienced the party life atmosphere (the clubs and bars). It was a bit overwhelming at first but I adjusted well haha. We've been frequenting the party life almost every week after your first try for like two months. I've been going out with the people you probably never thought you'd be close years ago and we met more people. Remember your first kiss? It was a girl, in case you forgot. That was the most fun night you had. I have no hard feelings for her but it definitely confirmed my ****** attractions for girls cause it **** well made me want to make out with more ladies. But of course, I'm a ******* coward. I can't approach more girls because I'm afraid and anxious around them which is why I have been going for guys for a while. Then we met a guy. Actually met him. Past me won't believe this for real because I have only been flirting with guys online and never in personal but ***** I actually have gone and dared flirt with a guy IN PERSON. Yeah, very surprising. Flashbacks of this guy would probably show up in your mind which is why I would spare you the details. Cause I really hope he'd only end up as flashbacks and nothing else. I got too attached with him and that ****** made me cry for nights. This whole dating scene was ******* traumatic. You know, I was really hoping for a different outcome everyday but every day reminds me of why I can't fully trust and commit to anyone. People are **** and I hate it here. I really hope I can finally learn to stop expecting love from someone else. I hate relying my mood and validation from everyone else. It gets pretty lonely. I'm planning on ending things with every guy the moment I get back to Cebu. I just hope I can actually do it. Update me about this stuff. I really hope you're not doing the same **** I'm doing right now. We deserve more than this. I deserve more. You deserve better than this. I hope you're doing well, Camille. I hope it's less lonelier for you the moment you read this letter. But if you feel like talking to someone, you always have me. Write me your thoughts or anything in particular. I don't know what else to write in this so I guess that's it. Always here, Camille