A letter from December 26th, 2022

Dear FutureMe, idk what to do with my life anymore I keep overthinking about small stuff My chest clutches every time I feel sad/down,once I almost passed out while I was shopping cause I couldn’t breathe properly,my family didn’t even notice and kept shouting at me for walking too slowly. I don’t have interest in eating as much as before,sometimes I even force myself to eat. I feel so ******* insecure about everything. My nose,my eyes,my eyebrows,my acne,my lips,my teeth,my jawline,my hands,my nails,my stomach,my thighs,my feet… I’m so sick of myself. I’d rather be anyone like anyone else. I feel jealous,sad,angry when I can’t hang out with my friends cause my dad said so. I’m also one of the smartest in class but I literally have no privileges???even the dumbest in my class prob has a better life than me. I miss my mom so ******* much,I can’t even recall a single memory of before she got sick.sometimes I even wished my dad died instead of her. My mental health is not important and inexistent to my family. Everything isbecause of “my phone” while it’s one of the only things keeping me sane and alive. You should be grateful I’m not going out with guys or getting drunk like some random ppl. If I stay up late at night bcz of my phone,that’s not ur problem auntie Music is free therapy istg. Did I mention my lack of expression?? My dad himself told me “it hurts to see you so cold with me” Well maybe if u were actually more light hearted I wouldn’t be so careless yk? why does my dad prefer my brother over me? Like he’s the wrong one in here but he still manages to get away and get my dad to shout at me for nothing??? My brother always scream at me and kicks me even if I’m older????he never gets in trouble-!!! I wish I could sleep without waking up fr. I keep getting random waves of sadness any time. I miss someone irl who would actually care for me like Mary does. I ******* hate myself so much. I had years to be with my mom,talk to her,love her but my younger self decided to get addicted to my phone,I ******* hate myself for that.now she’s dead and I won’t be able to see her again.why why why why why???! I’m one of the top students rn and I don’t even imagine my future,all I dream of is a peaceful life,I don’t even have a reason that manages me from ending it all except for the part that I’m Muslim. It probably feels wrong but idc. I also get intrusive thoughts every while and then When I see a knife I’m like « why not cut my hand with it? » Or when I look from my window I’m like « what if I jumped out rn » Talking about self harm, I already did actually. I cut my hand with a cutter many times,my aunt noticed and didn’t care,she said « tell me why u did that or ill take away ur phone and tell ur dad » I managed to get away but idk. there’s also something I hate about my self is the fact that I used to be so sensitive before.at school whenever I got in an argument with someone I would almost end up crying. But now I wouldn’t cry no matter what. I’m prob weird but I never felt any special relation with anyone to the point where I’ll miss them,not even Mary,probably a side effect from being hurt so much. I also don’t understand why all my other friends suddenly stopped talking to me,we used to hang out everyday at school and yk,care about me,but they never sended any message. I’m not busy or anything but ill prob never text first,so don’t go around saying « she doesn’t like texting me » like first of alll you don’t need to call me « she » all the time I use now she/they pronouns and I won’t text u if u don’t text me. Sometimes I even think that’s he’s toxic since when we were fightventing (I created that word wich means venting while fighting) I tried to explain what I was going through but it’s okay since he « suffered more » it’s not my fault u were alone before. Apology,apology,apology,apology ITS ANNOYING I DONT NEED APOLOGIES ITS USELESS He said that he’s willing to change but THAT DOESNT MEAN ACT LIKE NOTHING HAPPENNED AND EXPECT ME TO VENT TO YOU??? cmon dude ur not that dumb to not understand that, since “you overthink a lot” I’m not saying you’re a “pick me” or “emo” but some times it’s annoying. Yk I’m grateful to the times you helped in some stuff but yeah. did I mention I used to well Make suicidal jokes? I MEAN I didn’t make fun of suicidal people I used to be suicidal myself Okay I believe I lost almost all my appetite for now I only ate breakfast and nothing else but yet still didn’t feel hungry at lunch wich was around 5 pm? I lost weight too (I’m not complaining) I used to weight around 63?Now I’m 57 kg and very close to 56. I also hate the fact that my dad doesn’t trust me. He doesn’t even trust me to not overuse my phone??? haha well idc Everytime I remember that I lodt many memories with my mom I just feel crushed. Why can’t I even remember the things that mean a lot to me?? All I can remember is when she would cry and ask me if I still loved her. I comforted her everytime but I used to mostly spend my day in my room with people I’m not even friends with anymore. I regret all my life choices. I’m so ****** disgustingly and ugly. I wonder how such an amazing and pretty mom had a daughter like me. Perhaps if only my brother was born she wouldn’t have gotten sick. And maybe she would still be alive. I wouldn’t exist and I would have been at ease and everyone was gonna be too. Other children could have been born instead of me. Why me I don’t deserve this I don’t deserve to live I’m just a selfish depressed person All I think about is myself Even if I don’t take care of myself I don’t deserve Mary. I didn’t deserve the help I received I don’t deserve anything Perhaps my brother is right I am just a selfish ***** Perhaps my dad is right I am an idiot Perhaps my aunt is right I’m an ungrateful brat Perhaps my old friends were right I make myself seem better just so I won’t look bad but I know that most of these are false. But I won’t admit it I hate my life so bad like I can’t describe it but I feel hopeless I’m so stupid for thinking ONCE that I was good at something I do Even my luck is so bad I can’t stand this anymore Again I’ll say it If it wasn’t for my religion I wouldn’t be here I would be in a ******* tomb Decomposing to ashes in the ground i try to drown my emotions by keeping myself busy But I’m running away from responsabilities Even my study schedule is so bad I don’t recognise myself anymore I want me back This isn’t me. I feel so foolish and stupid for trying to be myself with my friends I know it’s okay to do so I do it But I know I’m not supposed to or else I will regret it AND I ******* REGRET IT EVERYTIME My normal me is funny and not shy Trauma Anxiety depression? Insecurities ruined me I can’t even feel at ease with people I’ve known for years I can’t be myself even if I know it’s okay If I do I’ll regret it I still do and end up regretting it more than I thought I could It’s ******* me But it’s okay since it’s not diagnosed depression I’m just imagining this then? I don’t know I sometimes think about my self Who am I? What’s my purpose here with others? Believing god and pursuing Islam? I’m not saying I don’t want to follow Gods path but if he wanted people to worship him couldn’t he have jus created other jin to do that?Why humans? Why am I here I don’t even follow my religion correctly I’m a perfectionist but I’m no where near being a decent person I’m smart but feel stupid I feel confident about myself but I’m insecure Ash/Aya insulted me behind my back Because I didn’t tell her why I was mad I didn’t even say I was mad at her She ******* insulted me and my friends who were with her didn’t say ANYTHING this ***** didn’t even remember my birthday Didn’t bring any gifts While I did. I feel so pathetic for thinking I could have real friends They won’t stay Right. None of them ever did They were there,left,came back I never even had a best friend No one to talk to I feel bad for getting close to them I want to leave this school and re do my social life But can’t My health has never been worse I sometimes get dizzy, and tired a lot. My legs feel wobbly at some point. Today i am sick, slight fever, runny/stuffy nose. My mind is hyperactive but my body is so tired it litterally wants to fall in coma. Also i have a really bad relationship with food. I barely eat and if i do i get full easily. I dont know whats happening to me. I really want to consult a professional and seek help from a therapist. But i have a moroccan family how do i tell them that without seeming crazy?? Perhaps the reason why im not able to have romantic feelings for anyone is that i never felt close to them. i had a problem when i was younger, i never had any real friends.Im not sure if o believed it was the same for everyone but i learned to believe friendships were only temporary. I guess my mine adapted itself to not get attached to anyone, because it wasnt gonna last.Maybe thats why ,i currently, cant seem to really care about my friends, or give a **** when we have an argument.I mean it sounds worse than it is. I do care to not hurt them,but whenever we fight and they pull that “you wouldn’t like it if i did that to you” Truth is i wouldnt care, maybe i would feel a little upset just in the first 5 minutes but then id jut get over it.I cant put myself In peoples places and i cant understand them unless i relate. I cant have empathy or sympathy towards anyone unless ive got a deja vu feeling or already had that feeling/problem. i gained weight…59kg. I dont feel too bad about it tho. Ive been more self aware about something else actually. My anxiety. My stomach problems. My overthinking. my eating disorders. My lack of sleep. the numbness i feel towards my friends. I never thought i could actually be depressed until recently, i ******* want someone to notice. i cant say it myself ot else ill look crazy or attention seeking.I want a grown up to notice.I want an adult to notice my struggle and HELP ME, not scream at me or make fun of me. I want someone who can actually help to do so, not my friends, ayman tries but i feel like its pointless. It was. it was pointless. It made me mad at some point. this feels selfish but i cut him off he tried too hard to help someone who didn’t want help from him He loved me. And i didn’t realise before I had my suspicions but i was never sure so i shrugged it off now im sure and idk how to feel about that Iike why did he even like me lol Im not pretty Im not skinny im emotionally unavailable i feel numb and tired most of the time i dropped him. I never felt better. Idk he didn’t do anything bad but i just feel better mow that i dont have to constantly worry about what he would think. I rlly dont care if ppl were mad about it. Our friend group is falling apart anyway