A letter from Dec 20, 2022

It says December 20th but it ******* lied. Wait nevermind, it's the 20th. I'm not deleting that though. Anyway, our ***** of a mother came home high yesterday (today? Idk, it's 5am so you decide.) And admitted to making out with the teenager. I.. really don't know what to do, I hate child predators more than anything else in this world, it was hard enough knowing that my bio father was a child rapist but having to live with the knowledge that my mother might as well be one too? I mean, I KNOW what it's like being on the receiving end of that ********. I mean, my best friend's dad touched me all the time, masterbaited to me sleeping, and even masterbaited to me right in front of me. He probably would've raped me if I had slept that day. I always wondered why mother didn't do **** when she found out what he did, I guess I have my answer. I mean, even with my uncle (although I'll never truly consider him family) stared at my.. stuff and made ****** remarks to me every day she just told me to "cover up". Having the dots connect like that was sickening. I mean, I'm only 15 and what she's doing IS legal, so wtf am I supposed to do? I could ruin her life but if I did that I'd just be ruining my own in the process. There's literally nothing I can do about it. Well, there is one thing that's been on my mind more and more lately. She abused me mentally, verbally, emotionally, phycologically, and physically for years. Although physically was only borderline and real physical abuse was rare it still happened. I used to want to **** her so badly, but really only when she made me mad. I've always wanted her to die though, hell, I'd pray for her ***** every day, but I never really wanted to be the one to do it. I would not survive in prison and I am not a fan of confined spaces. Plus there's the OCD I have with my hands. But, when I found out she was a pedophile, idk.. I just feel like I can't restrain myself as easily anymore. Every time I see a knife the thought of "what's really stopping me? Nothing." Comes to mind. Every time she mentions the kid I have the urge to strangle her. I literally catch myself looking at her throat sometimes. Every time I hear her voice anymore my mind just goes straight to ******. I genuinely have no idea what to do. I tell her at least 4 times a day not to talk about him because it makes me uncomfortable, but she doesn't give a ****, she just ignores me. I told her she was just like Emmitt (best friend's dad) and she just pretended like I never said it, before if I said anything like that she would've ****** me. She KNOWS what she's doing, she's literally proud of it. I just want to die. I don't think I can live with this kind of knowledge, I mean, she's said she'd have *** with him if he asked and they were dating. I can't help but worry she's gonna rape him, and whenever I imagine that I can physically feel my self control slipping. I genuinely think I might **** her one day. And god, just the meer thought feels so **** good. Like a sweet glass of ice cold water after a run in the summer heat, I guess. Idk, I don't drink water. Seriously, my adrenaline is rushing rn because I keep imagining her lifeless body, it's a serious problem. She really did this to herself though. She knows I want to **** her and I can't help but feel like she's challenging me every time she says "you won't do it, you'd get blood on your hands." That's where she's wrong though, I don't find blood gross. She thinks I do, which gives her some false sense of security. She knows I'm not joking every time she overhears me talking to myself about wanting her dead, you'd think she'd have put me in therapy but no, for some reason she won't even when I ask. If you ask me she really did this to herself. If I snap and **** her it's her fault.