A letter from September 17th, 2022

Dear my future self, Maybe after all the “when im 18 I will kill myself” thing will be true after all. I wouldnt mind dying right now. I feel so miserable. I don’t even have emotional support on this anymore. Laura and I haven’t met even lately. I don’t wanna bother her with my problems again. I almost wanted to tell Simona about it if she was willing to listen but I decided on not to. I cant bring myself to fully open up anymore. I don’t wanna be the one in our friend group seen as not having it together again. Thats why I need to try to hide it if something affected me. But on the other side. If I did kill myself then I would fail. I would fail to prove myself I can do this. I can make it past 18. This day has been horrible. The moment in the morning my mom and I were face to face she started to judge my appearance , start with the be more girly thing again, and force me to eat more than I can and then proceed to shout at me when I warned her I wouldn’t be able to finish that much food. All in a span of 15 minutes. Probably. I do know it was barely 30 minutes though. I dont understand. Why am I never enough? Why is it always my fault? She had the chance to teach me things when I was 10-15 and was going there a lot . But she didnt. She didn’t even teach me how to cook. And now that led me to that moment in 2020 when she criticised me for not knowing how to do it. + bodyshaming. Was I ever enough? She could have given me attention, effort on making me teach things but yet she didnt. She had to get another child when I was like 9/10 . I wasnt even a teenager yet and she wanted another child already to replace ME with. I was not enough. Since then I became the less important child. I wonder who would care if I killed myself now or soon.