A letter from Sep 14, 2022

Dear Future Self, This letter, email, or whatever is an LA project that we started on September 12th, 2022 in Ms. Karpyshyn’s grade 9 class. I’m not sure why she decided to send this one year from now, I don’t think I will be much different. From the way my, our, life is going, it is going to stay pretty much the same; sad, boring, and honestly nothing special, I'm just a random kid that just so happens to exist in this universe. I'm not important. I never will. That being said, that doesn't mean my mind is not some crazy space where my life is completely different. Everyone's life is different in their minds, at least I think it is. I know that I don’t like to share my thoughts with others and I am only myself when no one is watching. I would probably be sent to a hospital otherwise, although mom said that I should go to a hospital last night so I don’t have suicidal thoughts. I mean, I don’t ever think that I’d **** myself, my worst fear is pain, particularaly a painful *****, I don’t want my last moments to be miserable. Although if I went to a hospital, I think maybe they could help with my depression regarding my mom. I know she thinks she is trying but she really gets on my nerves. I would never, ever, say this to anyone else, but a part of me thinks I would be happier there. Away from everything in the outside world, even just for a minute. Okay, now for what I am actually supposed to write about. Ms. Karpyshyn provided us with a list. First off, my hopes in life. Now, istg i’m not some stupid pick me or any of that crap, but I really would love a friend who would understand me for who I really was. No, I am not trying to be quirky or whatever the hell you wanna call it, but I just think it would be nice not having to be someone different than who I am on the inside. Dreams. Well ig the previous one is a dream kinda. Idk rlly. Next, what I like about myself. Well, you would know because you are me, but I am always depressed until some few days where I have a random god complex or something. I only wish I had more of them, even though they kinda make me toxic ig on the inside. When I don’t have them I just cry myself to sleep, literally. I don’t really think I like myself if I don’t have a god complex, but when I do I think that I am the ****. What I don’t like about myself. Practically everything. Even on the inside. I don’t act normal. It’s kinda scary in a way. I don’t like the way it feels, everything feels bad or evil even when they are good. Now I am not saying evil as in, ooo look at me, I am in disney’s descendants, hell no, what I am saying is evil as in no one loves me. That’s what evil feels like in my opinion. Now I am just picking away at all of the prompts here, I am not necessarily writing about all of them, although some things may cover more than one prompt. But the next one is problems. Now I could name a ton and try to seem “different” or whatever but if I am honest with myself, even if it’s not what I want, my only problem really is my mom. You know how she is, but recently she is always crying, ugly crying, like a toddler and it is pretty ****** annoying to look at, she looks like she's melting. She is always saying she’s the victim, that she's being targeted, that she wants to **** herself. But after all the years of living with her, she does not wanna **** herself, it is her way of guilt tripping you. She has run out of ideas. Also, my dad does not believe I have depression, and my mom won’t take action. I am not attention seeking, I just have accepted that I am mentally not okay. A few years ago I would have denied it, but that just made me worse. But now that I want help, no one will help me like they offered before. What I think about. So this is a huge jump from the previous topics, but as you know, we get hyper-fixations because of our ADD and whatnot. Currently, it’s byler. I don’t think I should go on a rant or else I will be here all day, and I really don’t know if my future self will want to go through all of my, amazing dare I say, evidence that I, you, already know. So that’s It for those kinds of questions, now it is time for my physical world around me. Description of home. Well, we just moved into the new house two days ago so I am still adjusting to it. Modern, clean, kind of an empty feeling tbh. But my room is nice, and Ella got me this really nice insent thing that smells like lavender and chamomile so my room smells like tea 24/7. My room is more homey though, even if my mom tried to make it modern, my bed makes up for it, I have never really liked modern. School. My class is okay, but it is not like it could be any better. I don’t really know what to say about school other than I just would rather be at home in my room to rot for the rest of my life. Chores. So here's the thing, ik that I have my responsibilities, and ik that my parents call me out for not doing them, even if I may deny it. I say that I am a responsible kid, but let's be honest, I’m not. I don’t even do my exercises even though I could collapse at any moment. The pain in my back is not as bad anymore but I still get it, even if I choose to ignore it. I just figured that if I never went to the ER in the first place, I would have never known, and maybe if that happened I still would not paralyse myself. I would never tell anyone this, especially my parents, but I am a really irresponsible kid. I legit do nothing, I am a potato. Allowance. WTF GETS ALLOWANCE!? I want money too!!! I just get money for Christmas, my birthday, and Chinese NewYear from Auntie Anninna! Pets. MIAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! Gilbert died not too long ago, maybe sometime last month. It was sad and funny at the same time. Don’t ask why, idk. Hobbies. Bro, you know I don’t like doing anything. Just going on the byler side of tumblr… Sports. I just do dance now. I quit horseback riding for this year, I was not really enjoying it. Although, I did start singing. I have wanted to take singing lessons for years but I found it embarrassing, and I still kinda do. I mean, as long as I am enjoying it. And the lady is realllyyyy nice! School activities. Well, at this point in the year, they have not really started a ton of extracurricular activities at school. Although, volleyball tryouts were a few days ago and Reese missed them because we are sick. I am not gonna lie to you, I was faking sick at first, my throat felt fine, and it still does, but then I ACTUALLY came up with a stomach bug. Karma ig. What I do with friends. Well, I don’t really know what to say. Nothing in particular. I just need friends that I can connect with more, only then will I have something to say. Now for my favourite things and that ****. Ok, first off: favourite book. AHVKUTFSHSJGJKHDS WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME CHOOSE!? Ight, here's a list so far: A good girl’s guide to ****** - Although this one is prolly NOT my fave of ALL TIME I still really liked it. It stuck to the ****** plot w/o getting trailed off into all the drama like one of us is lying, not that I did not like it. HEARTSTOPPER AHGDUJKYQASUGSUIYHSG - Ok, maybe this is my favourite? But does it really count? It's a comic/graphic novel after all… Ooooo and Space Boy! - Although it's also a graphic novel Radio Silence - Ughhhhhh I can not stress enough how much I loved learning about Aled. They should have incorporated him more into heartstopper. ALSO IN THE SHOW! How dare they replace him w/ Issac!!! I get it, his has his own story line that netflix might wanna adapt, but like, he could make a cameo Red White & Royal Blue - 🤭 idk what else to say OkAy, now for shows. My favourite is prolly stranger things atm, but heartstopper and young royals is also very close to my heart. Vacations. We have not gone on one in a while, not unless you count canmore before this summer. Although, we just booked one to New York in october so that we could go to the Enhyphen concert! Ok now I have no idea why this is a subject but like, it says bf, gf, who I like etc. Now, I don’t really like anyone although I am still a needy, touch deprived, clump of sadness. Although, never tell anyone this but like, Red- 🤭 Thats prolly my fave emoji atm if u can’t tell People who annoy me. Natan and Sarah. Both separately and together. What I want to do when I grow up. Now I have always found this a very hard question, but when Ms. Karpyshyn gave us that one job assignment, I found out about criminology which I found really interesting. BRO ONE OF THE TOPICS IS MARRIAGE, I’M NOT GETTING MARRIED IN THE 10TH GRADE!!!! Istg imma have to send out a google form to people I wanna invite to see if they are homophobic. Anyways, that’s all I really had to talk about. Well then… How do I end this off? You are probably just as **** as you are now, not to be a ****** pessimist or anything, being **** is ok in my book. Bye loser.