A letter from Sep 14, 2022

today pepe passed away. i dont want you to forget how much he means to us, i don't want to let him go honestly. i'm so shocked. at 9am, i did not expect to bring my cat to the vet and find out he has liver failure. i didn't. it was the last thing i expected. i didn't expect to leave without my cat and let the door slit my thumb on the way out ( i hope it scars, i want it to stay there forever ). leaving that room with pepe on it was the hardest thing i've had to do. leaving him there alone, without me. i didn't want to leave him. i lost apart of myself today. a large part of my heart. i've feared this day for so many years, years and years on end. my head hurts so badly. i can't even control the tears that fall. i let him sleep in my spot the entire night prior, and we slept together. i got up in the morning, and i remember being so scared that when i left he wouldn't be alive. i remember watching him breathe for minutes at a time just his stomach rising and falling, just to make sure he was still breathing. i remember shaking him because i couldn't tell if he was still breathing or not. i hope i didn't make a mistake. i just wanted him to be okay. i just didn't want him to be in pain anymore. i didn't want him to be hurting. today is olivia's birthday (somewhere near pepe's birthday too, i think). pepe is now with olivia in heaven. i want to go with them so badly. i want to go first, so i can lead them. are they scared? i'm scared that they are scared. leaving that room at 11:26, looking back at pepe on the cold metal table. i'm sorry i left you pepe. i wanted to stay, i did. i wanted to stay and hold your head and let you rest on my arm for all eternity. and i hope someday i'll be able to do that. i know you're okay now, though. you won't be hungry, and you won't be in pain. you won't struggle to get up on the bed and you won't stare at food unable or not wanting to eat. you'll be able to do all the things you enjoy now, like run up and around with marbles and play, and you'll be able to scratch the doorways all you want. marbles and tigger will miss you, marbles will miss your tongue on his head and tigger will miss his brother he's had for years. and i'll miss you, my baby. i'll miss everything about you. your fur, how you'd dig your nails into my jeans, whenever i'd walk into the kitchen and see you in the empty sink, i'll miss putting wet cat food into your pink bowl, i'll miss the ripped up bags of catnip, i'll miss the 'awe' feeling in my heart whenever i would see you sleeping, i'll miss reaching for your paw and you pulling away cause you just didn't like that contact, i'll miss whenever you'd bite me, i'll miss whenever you'd jump on my dresser or literally anything in my room and knock **** over, i'll miss sleeping with you, i'll miss it all baby. every passing second. i will. one day we'll be together again. i hope it's soon. but until then, i love you more than life itself. i'd give anything to have you back. i'd give anything to have you clawing the door frames again and i'd give anything to see you eating bbq pringles again. i'd give ******* anything to share my beef jerky with you again. thank you for the past 12-13 years, my love. thank you for every passing second. thank you for giving me the world, and thank you for being you. i wouldn't have asked for any other personality within you. nothing will be the same without you. your ***** leaves a hole in my heart that won't be patched until the day we meet again. i love you forever and now, my baby. my princess. future me, if your still there, add onto this, and send it out another year.