A letter from May 31st, 2022

Peaceful right?

Dear Alexandra, I honestly thought that there was a letter waiting to be sent to you for your 21st birthday but there isn't so that's where I come in. Happy 21st. I know we've always found aging to be weird, and now at 20 we still don't feel like an adult yet. It's scary as there are so many things in life that you aren't aware of, and so many things that you are hoping for. I do wish the best for you, and that you are taking the steps you need to to grow and have the life you are dreaming of. I don't think that much is going to change in the five months between me writing this letter and you receiving it but just in case I'll tell you where I am at. I am still working as a front desk agent at the hotel. I like the job but I'm getting tired of this 9-5 schedule. Are we doing anything different? Along with that, have we moved into a new place? That's one of my goals right now, to find a place of my own instead of having roommates but it is difficult. I cannot afford to do it here in Austin, so I have been considering moving back to our hometown. What did we end up doing? I also want to start school, but without needing to work at the same time. I always have trouble managing a job and school, so please tell me that we are able to figure that out. I know the stress from Ma makes us want to do otherwise but please don't let her stop you from doing what you want to do. You know that this is your life and that at some point, you need to take a stand and live your life the way you want to. Please don't let her continue controlling you. You deserve so much better than that. Along with that, are we still with John? By the time that I am writing this, he is supposed to be coming back in a few days but two weeks from then, he is supposed to find out whether or not he will be leaving soon again. I really hope he didn't leave, I like him a lot and I want things to continue with him. But I know that it is a possibility, so if he did end up leaving, what happened after that? I have been having some issues with my mental health recently. I know that it would be a lot better if I went and saw someone and got some help but I'm scared. I'm also tired. I want this to be over with, I don't want to feel this way. If things haven't gotten better, please, see someone. I know what can happen if this goes untreated and while we may feel that we don't care, somewhere deep down, we do. It's a seesaw really. Because one day I'm happy with how things are and I plan for my future. but the next day I don't even see a life for myself. I'm not going to actively do anything but I know that if something happens, then that's that and I'd get what I wanted. I just worry about hurting those close to me. Please be okay. I didn't mean for this to be a sad letter, but I am concerned about us and I really just want what is best for you. I hope that you find yourself, I hope that you find what you have been looking for. You are an amazing person and I am proud of you for making it this far. I love you, Alexandra. Take care and please write back. Sincerely, Your Younger Self P.S. Listen to Secret for the Mad by Dodie Clark, Tokyo Drift by Teriyaki Boyz, Boss Bitch by Doja Cat, and Don't Forget Where You Belong by One Direction

Epilogue

4 months later

Dear Alexandra,

You've always had issues with not feeling your age, and every year when your birthday comes around, it's strange. Well, you turned 21 and in all honesty, it...

Eefls fnefierdt emit ihst. Ma llist say eengifl gwniorg an sessiu i efle ,atdlu i atht ahve omse kiel kiel btu here i and of tno i liaflny reteh cna.
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Ayer ddi kignorw ltlsi orf ubt at eebn neev na'evht dna rokw pomdreot a oet,hl teh etg we reeh we we. Wree yhapp su lwle ti oskeorcrw nda ededevrs yrve oru wsa fro. Nidgnif it cpale tfdcluiif sah a wne bnee to tbu ivel. . . Re'we mohowent ot bakc dna a gvmnio ncoegbim oru mctomrue. Adn rrtncue ym dnllroad adeyrteys lilw ni ot oenict ym eb mvgino i pelacd rliap. .
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Lgtlhisy dan ,omev e'ssh ouresnv as sujt 00002,0 listl rae elims rof niald ingirdv grianen we ihst i'm. Iwht twhi ist' alngo l atht,. T. T dan. S. . Edwroir uorcc ,past eanhpepd webenet atth to agani su awht si gogni hte ni fi tobau and i'm. Yjeon i e,hmt nhstgi suoth on'dt sfinred bigen but ihtw tnwa ot i go. Evmo tsgnhi lmieps wll'e ende ew see fi to tjsu ni so nda least at ll'htta woh og,uhth go tou, be el'lw uor eb akcb ewnohtom.
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By sediiscno nda nsatd i lyfems ntkiag fro my ma r,emo a ingog. Ltsil a utb a etterb ihnkt srpliyep posle m,a hgtisn wtih are i tetlil st'i. Plshe eenigpk olt a aicndets my. I nmwtoohe nmivog kbca to akcb ulfl to eth ahve oru reaonth to ohcols fall, og naroes temi eeicddd in echen er'ew. Tge wlil tohle eb gaivlne the ym fi aleb ereh imte bjo ot back nad ndignfi ta ym patr am jbo i i esitnbfe a.
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Aobtu onjh dna. . . To he tou dtlo romf eh nerudt a us ehya, tiidteny yltompeecl lewl, dnrfefeit aevh thaw. Ot fater leba ehs,arerc t uhotoghr i efatr dfin the was rutht tou. S. Up esh mhi cnsiiosspu had trobuhg tauob esmo. Imh gidninf wenh lyalre ahtt utbgoh mi' rpioiirtse iwht d'ditn ylign gtohrhu neonduitc nda you neev othuhg wsa it dan imtcom eh htgni tcesap yuo tdnewa ot acbk atht lohwe tinuiosta egt a??wa?y rnugnin imh a gadl snlisrptaehoi not stopspra gwolilfno cgnahe yrazc atref ot you vnee toosd royu us came tegroet,h yte ubar-pek ryuo btu out tneh tiwh ysta ot imerc yruo eh nda eosruc sltli the hlosiiaru egt arpt htrhugo ot fof is thiw hwret aurynaw ithstrag uoy is ,it no nieitet,isd fo nda ot ??mih? gonilok ubt nhte ot llowfo wiht uoy ryou ttha ircme myoen uyo ndougr the at endede. Si ,story rome ownk ohewl teher erhte mofr ew otl ttha aryaeld to aheeppnd a tbu hwta.
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Ewe'r rou illst hlehta tlenma grkwnio horuthg. A get ettlse ot siegen ignvom aertf trtsa epttiahrs oenc d'i i kiel. Ahtt ykao, ebettr tmos rea btu ew syad idnog ont. K,ayo uegfir be ltli' ll'i tuo tshginmoe.
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Be onwk igngo iwth nstihg uyo who atht hpyap uoyr cnyleturr us rae adn rof i t,sbe ouy ddi wdulo. Nda wrhee nwo, utp to you ot teh i so oyu hknta ni krwo yuo hatt am of all am gte oudpr su ofr i. Yuo voel i.
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Iylc,srnee.
Oryu esfl oledr.
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P. S. I our 'nshta to rouy a witrtne ahngce aws g,sson reeht uicsm nlyo ssttenier 'tis moshnt lndeesti so ceisn eenb in eneb too elrett fo eoths nein mchu.

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