A letter from May 29th, 2022

Dear fucking future me I love you. Maybe I don’t, at the exact moment measurements. But I do, maybe I really do in some kind of way. I know, you’ll be someone different, someone who isn’t me, this me you will leave behind, but it’s who made you, and I won’t mind, I won’t you changing and leaving this self behind your back, and I’ll be a story to tell, “I used to..” and “I was..”. And you’ll be happy that you have changed, but your eyes won’t change. I’d love to see them shine like the sun of June. Summer is your 2nd favorite season, or you’re first. Well I don’t know exactly what your favorites are! It’s a “you trait”, “us trait” maybe. You see, you’re me. But im not you yet. I know you’re scared, or is it me? Im scared, scared of growing up. Losing time and capability to be someone I had always wanted to be at this age. Im not myself today, or yesterday or tomorrow. And I have no clue what’s supposed to be like, to be yourself. Do you believe in love? And dinosaurs? What’s your thoughts on family, your parents that cant change? On future career? And i? Im scared. That im not as I thought. My personality, my mom hates me. And I can’t tell if I hate her or no. why feelings are so complicated? Did you figured out how to manage it? Are you trying to do better? Is she loving you, proud of you? If not, don’t lose hope yet. She’s your mom. You want her to love you, but you can’t control people’s opinions nor feelings. It’s fine. Are you moving on, are you getting over past events that made me cry thinking it’s the end of my life? Do you still regret things we can’t change? I don’t know. But you have to I guess, deal with it, are you getting sad reading this, remembering them, the people, the stuff, the pain, the tears and all of that mess. The mess we got in, that made us, made you and made me stronger. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I never understood that sentence but it’s our slogan from now on. Ah my dear, you’re very strong actually. It makes me happy, how much you handled. Im proud, no one understands better than me, in the end, I know because I’ve been through this and that. Even if you think everybody hates you now, or then, maybe it’s true, but who cares, because they never knew what it means to be us, to go through hell and get out not dead, you are your own heroine, we’re our own heroine. And I’ll keep smiling to you, knowing how much I will love you, how happy I am about you becoming you, and not giving up on me, and the rest of us. Not leaving us without a little gift, the gift of you being proud and happy. I don’t know what you’re now, and I cant wait to know, surprise me my dear. I hope you’re not what you hated, what you always wanted to avoid, you can live, and be happy, you can still smile and adore yourself and dream, you can be sad too, and cry, and curse it all. But never, never and never hate yourself, or hurt yourself. Just be. Be the state you feel like. And continue, it’s your life and it’s ours, so never fail me when I still believe in you. And if people stopped believing in you, if they gave up, if they hated, if they left you. You must not stop believing. And you must keep on going. You have to know, not everyone is gonna be there with you till the end but you and me, and even I will go; or you’ll leave me to go. My role is over, and it’s fine, my current existence wont help forever, and you’ll understand it when youre also ready to leave soon in the next future, when you’ll grow up to another one self. And you’ll be happy about it, proud and delighted. “you’re not a person, you’re my friend” and if you got lucky, I hope you friend us, the past lives of you, the past me and the ones im afraid to get friends with. Those who I left, to suffer in heavy pain. Im sorry, I am really. And even If it was tense to handle, you’ll get it, you’ll fucking do it. My loved friend. AND I DON’T WANT TO LOSE YOU OKAY. Enough from the sentimental talk, you know it hehe. I love you, always will. Enjoy your life and yeaaaaaaah enjoy again lolol 2022/02/03, Amman