A letter from Mar 23rd, 2022

Dear FutureMe, I think I experienced racism for the first time today. And although I've talked about it already to multiple people and vented about it, I feel like I need to write it down. Maybe I also hope others read this and hopefully understand a little better what a person goes through after an incident like that. Let's start off with how traumatising this is. I don't think I'll ever be able to remove what happened from my memory. I'll forever associate the one song I was listening to when it happened to this situation. Even little things that used to bring you joy are just crushed in seconds. It hurts when you see another person have so much hate towards you. A total stranger. Me just minding my own **** business on a public train. And him just having the audacity to tell me that I should die. Just plain and simple. As if it's as natural as breathing, wishing ***** upon a total stranger. Why do people assume that just because you look like a minority group, that you don't belong to this country. I have as much right to be here as the next blonde girl with blue eyes. Just because I CHOOSE to cover my hair and just so happened to be born brown with dark brown eyes doesn't mean I don't belong here. Although this situation doesn't make me question my decision to wear the hijab, it does break me heart. I imagined myself a few months ago when I first started wearing it. What if this had happened then? Would it have changed my mind? Would I have felt unsafe enough to reconsider? Because that's the worst part. I had never felt that unsafe in my life before. And I lived through the Arab spring. But it's different when you're in an adult and someone is personally targeting you. It's like you're being hunted. And talking back wasn't an option. Not when everyone around you doesn't seem bothered by the commotion. Not when you're a woman and he's already showing signs of violence by repeatedly kicking your chair. I had to protect myself, bring myself to safety. So I silently took my bag and moved to the other side of the train, hoping he won't follow me. And luckily he didn't. The only spot I felt safe was inbetween a group of mostly non western looking people and women. Men already scared me, but I think white men scare me even more now. I hope people learn to be more kind towards eachother. You don't have to agree with someone. You just have to learn to not be a ****. Because most of the time, people get hated on because of things they cannot control. But in my case, I got hated on for something I can. But regardless of it being a choice or not. Your race, religion, gender or who you love shouldn't dictate how people treat you or you treat others. Just don't be a ****. I'll move on from this. But I'll never forget it. I think it's wishful thinking by hoping it won't happen again. Because at 23, I have a long road ahead of me. And seeing how I only started wearing the hijab 7 months ago and this already happened, I'm guessing this won't be the last time. I got this though. No one can break me.