Happy Anniversary!

Dear F., March 4/2022 I thought it was going to be easy falling out of love because I think it is that what is happening with me right now or it's not that it's funny how much I want to be in love with you how much I love being in love with you I'm scared and sad every time I think I might be falling out of love that I might stop loving you but if what is happening now is called falling out of love it is not easy it is a process of realising that every single thing you wanted to happen is not planning on doing so Because let's face it. We are never going to be together (You don't even like me. Maybe you do. A little bit) bc why would we end up together you won't wake up next to me someday we won't hug each other and we won't laugh How could I think I'll ever get a chance to say the amazing wedding speech that I've been preparing for so long. Yes, can you imagine I thought about it for so long? Because I'm never going to Harvard and I'm never going to end up with you. But if in some alternative world we were going to I have prepared so many jokes and gifts for you... I really miss you. I really do. But then, I realise - you don't. You are a freaking adult with your own life and friends. And I'm not in it. This letter is something I want to prepare for our anniversary. You don't even know that something like this exists. But it does. *7th of March 2021* It's one of the days I wish I could re-live. I woke up, and you were there. I came home and I realised how much I miss you. Then it was. I was in love with you. I was in love with the wrinkles around your eyes when you smile. I was in love with your smile that made (makes) me giggle inside. I was in love with your jokes and the sound of your laugh. I don't know what was the reason I started feeling that way. You weren't even in my type. Maybe I was supposed to fall in love with your brother. Nevertheless, I do not regret this. And I don't get why were you so nice to me. I just wish I could be with you all the time. Every single conversation with you was a gift to me. If I had a choice those would never end. I don't think you can imagine how much I jumped from happiness when you wrote one message to me. But I also know you don't feel that way at all. And I know it is time to let you go. But can you let someone you never had go? I don't think so. It hurts. Knowing you are with others. That you don't ghost other people. I know who I am to you. So I know that I don't matter. I just want you to know, it doesn't matter my heart will be in love with someone else, you will always have your space inside. I don't think I can ever kick you out of it. Or maybe. Maybe I just don't want to kick you out. March 5/2022 I had a hard day. Cried like 3 times. And then I realised that you probably didn't even think of me today. I did. Julia saw you - she was going home, you also were. And I was jealous. I realised I won't see you at our anniversary. I miss you so freaking much and I want to spend time with you. I'd do so much just to go shopping with you. You don't know how much I'd do to see your smile and your eyes. Let me describe once again what day it was. 7.03.2021 I had a sleepover with Ula. And it was really fun. I really liked it. The next day - Sunday, Ula went somewhere and you made me coffee. We were alone in the house for over 2 hours. You played the piano, showed me your drawings, played me your favourite music. I thought you were really nice. And when I came home, my mum asked me how it was. And there it was - this weird feeling in my stomach... The funny thing was - my mum already knew. I didn't have to tell her what happened. For the next year, I felt over the moon every time I was with you. And I got used to this pain in my heart. The pain of missing you. I can't count the times I thought this feeling was over. But it never really was, you know? So thank you for being nice to me And, I know it's weird, but - those scout things you make for me? I still have one in a special box - I don't use it. I don't want to risk losing it. You are my biggest gift. I miss you. And I really want to be with you right now. So, I'll go now. Talk to you tomorrow - it will be my last day of writing and then I'll send it to the future. It will be a gift for our second year. For my second year. Of being in love with You. March 6/03/22 It was one year ago. One year ago, at 3 pm I was already in our home. I don't even remember what we were doing with Ula. Now I wonder - would I ever fall in love with you if it wasn't for this sleepover? Was it a mistake, an error? Or did God plan this - a feeling that makes me grow. I'm not sure. I know that I am grateful. This past year was full of my stomach hurting from missing you. And I wouldn't replace this feeling for anything. I've grown so much because of you. You probably can't even imagine how much. And I'm so grateful for every single joke, every single smile and every single touch. Every single piece of attention you gave me. I just want to hold you, love you and be with you now. I thought we could meet on our anniversary, but it is not going to happen. I'm trying to finish this letter because it is already over 1000 words, but it's not working out... You are the best in this whole world. And if I'm being honest - I still believe I'll tell my Harvard-Being with you speech someday. I will get to kiss you someday. You will tell me how much you love me. You will kiss me when I'll come to your place. Your parents will tell others how amazing our story is. When we will have family dinner they will tell everyone how embarrassing I acted around you. And you will laugh at their story, then you will tell them how much you are happy it ended this way. And you will kiss me. I will be so happy. This will be like a story from some romance movie or a dream. We will be so happy. And if not I guess I'll learn to accept that. Some time will pass and I will be in love with someone else. But I already know that you will still make me giggle inside - just a little bit. This feeling never passes. And maybe someday you will ask me the truth, I will tell you. And deep inside, I hope that you will be sad it didn't work out. Really deep down. And thank you for this year. Even if I won't be able to have another one like this, I have so many amazing memories. I still smile when I remember our talks, your jokes. And those (not many) times that I got to touch you. That time you tickled me. Oh, it was the best. I felt like I could fly. That's how I feel when I'm with you. And thank you for that. I think I should at least wish you something at the end of this letter. I mean, it is still your anniversary too. You just don't know that. I wish you everything that you want. I want you to be happy. And if you can, please, be happy with me. If you can't I want to understand. And for future me - just smile. Look how much you've been gifted. Back to you F. Once again, thank you for this time. You're the best. I hope that a year from now I can think about you with a smile on my face. I think that's it for now. Tomorrow is an important day for me. I'm so thankful. I love you F, And I'll love you till the end of my days (no one ever disappears from my heart) I hope to see you soon A.