A letter from Feb 16th, 2022

Hi me it's currently 4 am and i have a biology test at 9:50 today. I have not studied, I did try but I just couldn't. I know I should be panicking rn but I am in a numb state of mind and kind of dissociating from reality. It's not that I'm not happy or that I'm lazy, it's just that everything sucks and I'm gonna be stuck here forever. Even if I graduate I will still be here, stuck and unmotivated. Nothing will change and I am going to be like this for the rest of my life. I can't do anything, I tried but I really can't do it. It's a shame because I was good at it too, I was a good student, I was a good person, my essays were good, I could write a mad argument. But I can't now, I've lost it all and I'm not gonna get better. I wish I could find someone who would help me but literally no one cares. No one really cares, no one really want to help so why should i go seek help? I'm just to fail school and get a job that I'll hate, I'm going to be so dead inside - I've ruined my future. But the worst part is that I tell myself that everythings going to be alright, that everything will resolve itself without me doing anything about it. I know that that's not true, i know everything is sinking, i keep pretending that i can breath underwater when i know the water will **** me. I'm just tired of feeling tired, and sick of myself that I'm stuck here and I can't - or rather - won't do anything about it. The sky isn't the limit I am, I am my own wall of bricks. It's funny to send this to you - or myself - on the day of graduation. I told myself if I could imagine myself graduating that means that it will never happen, nothing imaginary comes true just like any wish I’ve made. Everything did not go well, I bet you haven’t even secured a summer job yet, you have not gotten your car license and you never graduated high school. You are my biggest shame, I hate you. I am so unhappy.