A letter from Feb 1st, 2022

Time Travelled — 12 months

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, Right now I feel like ****. Junior year is beating the absolute **** out of me and even worse, I have no idea what to do about course selections for senior year. I have gotten so much conflicting advice and I have no idea what to do which is the most stressful thing ever. Please don't be mad about whatever I choose, I'm doing my best. I just feel so ******* sorry for myself right now and I hate it. Nothing I'm doing is productive; I'm an absolute failure at studying for the ACT and I just can't do this ****. I can't keep sitting at this desk in this dark room for hours and hours and hours only to get a minimal amount of sleep, wake up, go to school, come home and do the same exact thing. The burnout is so strong and I just can't do it anymore. I'm crying as I type this and I hope my tears don't ruin anything. I wish I was you. I wish I was you so badly. I can't keep doing this. I don't have anything to look forward to and my birthday is so soon I don't even want it to happen. I forgot I had a Birthday soon; I think I'm forgetting that I'm a person too. This **** is awful and dehumanizing and I can't believe every high schooler in America goes through this. Maybe they don't; maybe I'm just an absolute idiot who can't control her own emotions, Maybe I am not built for this type of education. I say all these things; I feel sorry for myself but at the end of the day, I know I wouldn't trade my education for the world. This sounds like I'm writing and essay for AP lang (I know), but I'm not. Really I'm just writing this as a means of procrastination. Since all I do is sit, and sit some more, why not sit while doing something I slightly enjoy. Writing to you is a good past time but I can't keep blowing off my work. I swear to god; I hate myself. I hate the type of student I have become, and I hate the type of person I have become this year. I can't compete with these peple but I can't not compete with them either and only now am I realizing how dumb this all is. I'll go to college; I'll get a job; I'll get married if I want to, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I WON'T ******* DO? I WON'T REMEMBER CALCULUS; THAT'S WHAT. Sitting here and feeling sorry for my scores, feeling insufficiently unsatisfied with my grades, it's all for nothing. I won't come out ahead, I won't make more money, I won't be a happier person and I know all these things but I still can't stop pushing myself to my own breaking points. I don't have enough time for these mental breakdowns. IT'S YOUR FAULT. I DO THIS **** FOR YOU AND YOU AREN'T APRECIATIVE. I'M SITTING HERE STRUGGLING OVER CHOICES THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU AND I'M PANICKING BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR PREFERENCES ARE AND I CAN'T HANDLE THIS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IM GONNA MAJOR IN AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT COLLEGE IM GONNA GO TO. **** YOU. **** YOU. YOU DON'T GET TO MAKE EXCUSES ANYMORE. YOU WEREN'T WORTH IT. I DON'T CARE. YOU WEREN'T WORTH IT. I KNOW YOU AND I DON'T CARE. IM DONE. I'M DONE. I'ME DONE.

Epilogue

4 days later

A senior year response:

I love you, and this made my day. I’ve been waiting for this letter since I wrote it. I remembered writing this during a mental breakdown,...

I iccpsfies i sfmyle tanh fcat het wsa ubt htoer now lylgnie at teh tath d’indt ebreremm. Eatcaiprpe i on rnbemigmeer waht nh,da in essm i a humc tleert am hits s,aw hte asd i so noe olsa wheil. Smtei i tromanpti n’odt unjrio st’i os iticarmzneo dna in srests of nlegrea htta aery. Oyrsr lla, ’im irtfs of. Ryrso ’im to ti’s ddi i taflu wkon my htta i oyu;. Uoy nda i lmtis;i orsyr ,nmnihau m’i srroy a ’im rotshe; pats htta yuo i iegv oecpdmra lfte yuo so rsyor ’im uoy it’dnd i ’im to yrsor abker hepsdu uryo. Ngsith otn aslecss for ewf nd’to boatu a uryo mleba ’its uyo ’dont i lauft i gicsoohn eerw ;ilke t,guhoh oyu ogrwn. Pytmceelol ogod ojb ned ni idd ot lfriya htink teh you hotsne eb a i. Dlhesuec than ohetr ’im fyiral htiw phypa hmt,a my. Menmcot oautb yuo the wree nodig si yuo onhngit devpiutcor lsao rnogw ttha ear. Tac het yma itwh efel wlil esccdue ywa as)w it and( yuo ti ahtt raelgly utb. Nidsyutg ffo husor dna uyro rhsou adn rsuho ayp will fo. 1(9-40 up uoy hitw dna rcoes ituhtow 4)(3 tca 99ht chmu eddne a a sat roesc denaer ysidgu)tn orme drha ecireentpl ealyis e)rdnae ecleeitprn th99 (ayw. Yaifgtsisn sh’att ouy i ont rof wnko. I ti i ownk i tsill duwlo in ot;u cry eb rahed tt,ah alrobpby keam oyu ewre if dseesrst lwodu ftc,a em i dan htta. Nurdtesdan i uyo. I eiprmos. Nto ti dan hwit tsssre was saw o;god yuro yrabhtid celdodu iutdysgn. In nhet a it oomr 3 usetg ruoh dinutsgy drka teh was tca ersocu no nloeni espnt adn. In eht ni araepcipet diveers teerlt amargrm i nstohye eausg fo yrou lal. Hlp,e i niot tgo i ti dan etreh nd’teso ha,wus nwko btu im’ goign. Dt’seno it eildat btu kwon uyo korw wnke wadten l,eph ouy owdul i uyo oknw ahtt that erwe u;ot lla ot gihtr i. All krwdeo hsa it tuo. Otn did lpbyrbao t?i hwrto it leef n,o. Cd’lonut uoy be ubt amd ta evre i. Os hucm iaerepaptc yuo i. Ma ofr das i yuo edkowr a;rhd ouy oot. You vole rfo btu rda,h thbo htat yuo su eokrwd i oyu fo dna so sbeacue ddi. Lepspad fro yuo true inysga but ighmt rnoylnfteuuat tis’ ehav aht,t me. Eth now yoru uylfl lduoc to ufosyrle ni,top vener c;ainrg ivegn veah vahe uyo pospedt you taps teosppd nutobur lcodu uoy in vhae nrvee never akiegbrn ldocu ghupisn. Ostenh thutr eht ’sti. Rbnkdowae ttleer hsti dna atmlen ahveovc’srerie r,ioehvvecear is ouy are an an. Ttah oyu yuo wkea od ldowu rd3 erhievytng pu giaan kwen no raurbeyf and. Uerflsyo peke oingg wnek ggino to eepk eknw you you wree pguihsn to reew you uyo nggoi;. Yuor ’wnsat yuo deedne eb pnerest ti omneoes slef ta, and ot i’m aldg tath amd nloy. Im’ na sa eerw me lbea ot olettu use ouy adlg. Yuo hsatt’ ont ahwt wkno ttah to me say nwat ’mi i orupd dluco ,a)m (i tbu of i uoy ays. Thta i ahtt taht rof asw ’im na hreet suteggss uyo you fo ttah esugsstg saw avmhcnetiee drae smoe kwro igtmh sangiy hte atht ti sue,ggrtl ruopd eht icrdet tkea to ohwtr ddi fo. Nad oudpr sonemeo ot thta know ihnyatgn a,sey anem rsdow acgmliin is i you fo eb oot to n’tow het. Eth fo et’nar but dpruo what m’i odog dna gihh eroscs dgeasr. ’mi si hawt ouy dopur of. Btu ruoy melrye tno you nemcsaeevhti,. Uyo btu haev oyu amy felt oyu nreamide aim,nhnu. Tlsli uyo erew weer ,on uoy atmtre lsepe ettlli on uoy woh. Maed aedm ouy nt,cnoiceson lisme eeolpp and. Eyrve ilek vryee tog ouy rveye ebd out ot netw fo day, lyufsore socohl etacd ,dya yda. Igmostehn of ot eb sthta’ uodrp. That inot ew hwasu ogt iredleve ’im. Lfee eelf mseka ednts’o it, it ti make ertbet it hwort an but nouec lal isnceealysr eyvrtgeinh. Idd ti uyo. Did i ti. Idd ew it. ’tsi dna ko. I naht oyu adrsutnden si gellcoe attonipmr hwo mroe ta’swh. ;aenrg uory i i dnduraestn dsennuatrd of tsdannderu sns;asde yruo i ryou rfeuut aernsddnut uryo i hte ehartd tino;cclf. I tsdurednan all it. I epsimro. Ylrut esle one esuantdrdn no veer uoy mya. No yuo the htta yaw het ont etne lymere yu,o binar onwk eht in body esel wya oryu atygns ni wa,y reve atht noe nad do sutj eb will ro. Tub uoy i dueandtrsn. I perpataeic ouy do. I sa i oslu,dh knwo otn sa chmu. I ti bti uoy this fro lwudo adn dntwo’ul eb owkn a(dn it het ,uotrghh nkteadh ereyv the i dod) tisll eewr uoy onidg ahtt nhouge hsti ayd loas a fi btu uyo be ewtn. To what i do tub ,go wanyya clegeol ot hatw hvea ot’dn i,n rmajo m’i tawn ownk konw i to i and i stlli ggoni. Caer ffo eams ttah den l,yslta gysina the i wya in ’ill. Reew ti aer htrow you nad. Acer knwo i y,uo i and. Or’uey nedo. Noed oeru’y. Oryu’e noed. .

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please


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