A letter from Jan 31st, 2022

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, You are a legal adult now. It's weird right? I bet you can clearly remember being a 6th grader sitting with your friends in Mr. Yates's classroom, daydreaming about playing Minecraft when you get home... until you realize that was almost ten years ago. You're no longer that kid who's starry eyed and always searching for something bigger, that kid who's sitting in their bedroom doing her homework and writing stories and pouring her heart into those moments of introspection that come out in characters. You're not that girl who's calling her friends on Discord to play Genshin Impact or just chat for hours on end. That's me. But that's not you, right? As for me, I'm seventeen at the time I'm writing this. There's really no specific reason why I chose to write this letter at this moment. It was a spur of the moment type of thing. Maybe it's because I have so many things to say that I've been thinking about but there's no one there to listen to me, so I'm writing to someone who I may or may not know in the future. 21 is such an interesting age. You're definitely not a kid anymore, but you're not ready to be an adult. Scary, right? I wonder where you are right now... junior year of college? Applying to graduate school even? Wherever you are, I hope you feel good about yourself. God has prepared something special for you, I'm sure of it. These highs and lows of your life, these decisions and little incidents, they're all a part of something bigger. Do you remember who you used to be? How it feels to be a teenager, scared of growing up and having to become responsible for taking care of yourself, wondering what the future might hold? Because I feel like a walking contradiction, though I suppose most teenagers feel that way too. I'm scared to grow up, but I want to be independent. I have pride, but I'm very self depreciating. I think I know it all sometimes, but I don't. I can be very jaded but I'm one of the most optimistic people I know. I'm passionate, but I'm bored of everything. I'm in constant internal conflict, but I'm sure of who I am. I think I am no one, but I am the main character in my own story. I'm introverted and extroverted at the same time. I cannot care less about how people think about me, but I'm very insecure and I care a lot how others perceive me. Do you ache to return to the high school days? Or are you glad that that time of your life is over? Do you yearn to return to your sleepy little suburban town where everyone is like you and the most excitement that would happen? It's funny because everyone I know right now is having a crisis over the fact that they'll be ready to go to college next year. I think we are all slowly starting to realize the implications... it's hitting us that we're graduating next year. I feel time slipping through my fingers day by day and it's terrifying that I can do absolutely nothing to just hit the pause button. Yesterday I was in church and me and my friends were talking about college. Me, Faith, and Sydney are juniors, and Avery (and Tera who wasn't there) are sophomores at the moment. These are the people I've grown up with. More closer than any friend I think I will ever make. Just a little while ago we were in middle school doing stupid things and making stupid skits and films. I looked around and I suddenly noticed how old we all were. I could see it physically. We'd lost that childhood roundness, defining features carved into our faces instead. And suddenly I saw how many years had passed by and I think my brain short circuited. I am in a big struggle right now. I want to pursue Audiology as a career, and I think I might want to major in Speech Pathology. But my parents really want me to major in Engineering or Nursing or something like that. I agree it's a safer option but. I don't want to major in those things lol. I get burnt out so easily when I don't like what I'm studying and I'm scared of failure. Thinking about having to take hard classes scare me. And if I end up not making it into grad school for whatever, the idea of having to actually be a nurse or engineer bore me. And I don't want to be stuck with those careers. I've got so many questions for you. It's because I think so much about the future. Thank goodness futureme added an epilogue feature because I know you're gonna be in tears reading this letter. - So you're almost done with your undergraduate. What did you end up majoring in? Did you end up caving into what your parents wanted you to be? Are you going to be an audiologist? Or did you end up doing something completely different? - How do you like college? Are you living away from home? Have you met new people? Do you live in a dorm?? Who's your dormmate yo?? I hope I'm besties with my dormmate. -Where are your old friends? The NPCs... the biggest losers of the west coast. Are you guys still tight? Don't tell me you've drifted apart, I'd be very disappointed if you did. What about your old friend group? Y'know. Janet, Jimin, those folks. The Bamboo Union. And what about your other friends? Katie? Leejae? I'm so curious. And SAFEET. It's painful to think about these people I consider my sisters (and brother ig) will be who knows where and we'll only get to see each other during the holidays. What are they up to these days? - How is your faith? No doubt you've been through a lot. Do you still pray for ten minutes every day? Do you still read your Bible? Meet anyone at church? Do you still have that thirst for knowledge... that hunger to learn about God? - Do you still write stories, no matter how cringy they might be? Y'know what. Cringe culture is dead. Write whatever you want. I've always wanted to try my hand at manga actually. When I daydream and I close my eyes, I see panels in my head, waiting for me to give them a physical form on paper, only for my artistic abilities to fail. - Do you still play your instruments? You've always had that immense love for music. Your friends gifted you some for your birthday. I have a piano, ukulele, melodica, kalimba, otamatone, harmonica, and cello (kinda). That dream you've always had of being in those garage bands where you're w your friends jamming and the energy is immaculate. I want a guitar or a bass. - Have you had a glow up yet or what. Silly question lmao, I know, but seriously. Do you take care of yourself more? Like I've been wearing a ponytail for almost every day of my life and I want to change but I'm scared of change. I wanna be bold!! Do you work out? - How is your family? I worry for them sometimes. We're a bit dysfunctional, honestly. Where is your brother? He's found a job yet? Are your parents still in good health? Especially your father. - How does the future compare to 2022? Anything big happen that shook you? Surprisingly celebrity deaths. Have you found new music yet?? Right now my most listened to artist is Radiohead haha. Jeff Buckley and the likes of that.. Mitski too.. I hope you fall in love with another artist where you binge their discography over and over again because it's so good. Have you watched any good shows lately? Good animes and mangas? Read any good books? - Have you learned anything new about life? You've always seen things from a philosophical perspective. Remember the first time you read East of Eden and you thought it was the most beautiful thing ever? The struggle between good and evil... the essence of human nature... and ultimately how we're given the choice to do good or evil. Isn't it beautiful? - And I suppose, most importantly. Are you happy? Do you think the future's looking okay? If it's not, then take a deep breath. Pray. Think about your options. I have no idea how it feels to be a college student and I'm honestly a little scared of it lol, so I can't put myself in your shoes. I suffer from impostor syndrome. You probably do too. Have a bit more faith in yourself and most importantly God. He loves you. What could matter more? I think I'm going to sign off here. If only I could sit down with you and have a chat over some drinks. I'm excited to see what type of person I've become. Because I am a very different person than who I was a few years ago. I'm a different person than who I was just this summer. So much changes in a year. So how much will change in four years? No matter who you are, I'm proud of you! Also also did you figure out what "All Flowers in Time Bend Towards the Sun" means? Okay. Anyways. I love you so so so much. Remember who you are. Remember everyone who got you here. Agh I have so much more to say. Parting is such sweet sorrow... But I'm at like 1600 words, so this will be my farewell. Until next time. Yours truly, Esther.

Epilogue

1 day later

Wow. I wasn't expecting this letter to pop up in my mailbox. I'd completely forgotten I sent this. Yes! I'm a legal adult now. Twenty one. Feels weird to say...

Tou ti dolu ?)t(ype. S,ye eargdr acn meerembr sltil gnieb h6t a i. How on sort cllas rhe to ltsli 'mi ilgr of mgae rsfdnie htat for oushr ocrdsdi. I eb ayer wrcek to ohw ltsil can suinaox lfet ti nenesvtee klie remreemb a ldo. .
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Rutfrhe nda ilek aayw smoteisme i atid,m lefe eeommsri ythere' evha to eht tfehurr pilgpisn utb. Ti fo a eatinds eikl mtie gbein that nolg ago elefs a neadephp ti daemr ermo al,cer. Elsfe egard larce t6h. Lo?d a taht but 11 rmoe eysar ermda gbein htan igotnnh is. Of het pegasas esarcs item ti m,e stlli. That iknth plli i'm at rteteb i ilalsowwgn onw. Fo to oot uobta hseet ot nikd time sesetdrs veha ahtt yrorw im' asyd. Ot teh 'odtn inogg ekwe tmsioseem it fi eht mkea i i'm neve wkon xnet of to ruaerqt. .
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You llraye hs'reet no ouy cispeifc yhw ensora ohesc to say rweit tish. Isntextleia aws ot'nd it was eth anytixe outba i rfteuu ahde, embmerer im' tawh etb ghhutro to but gnoig yruo lwinilg the. In ,lgaerne ytniexa atuaclly. Niayxet you gvingi oonrlbyk is giogn mi' otn to idosr,erd yabprbol iel na. .
12. . . Not nmoraye a dik 'im. Ikd efel klei tnd'o i a. Otbua ualtd tmosseime ni revy gnzleiira but caauyltl od itnkh lefi liek im' nad ultda, an c'tna i say eefl am i i thsgin whree ighrt 'lli nwo. My mesl,a now rhhcc,u my an,trtmepa inivlg my ni gnikcoo to etc wno lmfyse bgynui grsreeio,c im' mgakin an vdrgini won eisr,ndf. Ocolhadiegodnhhd,eo/et my ophe goidn i'm sitngh! tw,ai isweetnt a oton eyvr hte mirgelm mi' ilngc nad dulat ngigo esls tnio het itwh rfo to ,ikel fo tuuref ranstitg of eaid. Ya?crs orf sreu. Gauaetdr em butoa laso was coslho ldo 17 ti's thta nnyfu aeyr tiknginh. Yas i yrbploab tta,h ot. Orme tobau tis' hecnacs ear the hwen tbu ih,gh. Dgoo tbaou i fo het eefl tsom do symefl emit. Ecmo 'iev so far idrrseusp.
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Neeergat ikel etlf a rerbeemm it ot ohw i be. Soceur fo. Ti stfri i hihg i aws resholoc nkhit like yreas esimt flet llist at e'nstd?o ym of in otw a owh eeo,gcll. Klie wenh ihgh at lal hwit eefl nwo? i atclau tub dno't noe olescsohr i rtneaitc.
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At it laeerpuytlp lkie ti so onkw dan wsa i ggion snuixao adn eewr oyu levia oyu astnogcli ate obtua lal left noec, rghievytne ot. Sywa were at erwe aintcre yhw ouy uory shigtn ftderustar dan eifl in usneodfc. Dthea ewoohsm be nad ot inelsg ti yrmoem tfufs idea ot apecutr a ni ajr aleb etfrnigotg a etilda hte eyrev scbauee andewt uoy ouy fo. Uyo caresd ciratunne so ewre trefuu oyur and oabtu. Wlil in i bakc tlle adn whis lerlay teim theveynrgi akoy be go odluc uyo i. Htta yraedal uyo kwne. Elalyr tbu rofm itkhn nefdbtiee i vl'owude ti yuo. .
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Asy rtrnue gdla i lal i say,d evro ot not the lxaycet hghi lcoohs mi' ot act'n chae utb ahtt sti'. Hgih ghih ssim utb of eht i ruo a tdn'o sims eeglnif i acpcilsfilye srolhc,eo ibgen olhcos. Nad tfle ixcot nebgi hghi tnod' tisudp errpeuss eoerdicm nltycsanto uchs lbubbe a ecaicmad in rweeh nnduewghleirm nda you smis i onvimerntne. Pu ni nda i od hemt your sdahre issm uoy ithw onngwik sceaube rgew trhogtee yoveerne cssla gveetirnhy. Het tno me,it klei at neyeeovr nikwong msea i. Idae of syarc the os golleec aws. Pipe wsa smeo it edarm, idwer myeab. Tghuhto in you ayd olcud etiatnern ruoy ramesd semo. Ot waya omfr eoydgbo uyo lufl a,tste lal of peploe ahonret w,nke ,ousrfyle anysgi by ni teh etc beamy rgase,ntrs eonc vlnigi h,eom.
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Hcurch uory fenisdr. Dna elrganizi nad yenvoere pu up si os oyu slee idd odd wroingg hcsu eelfgni na regw. In wr'ee lal gcoelle. Ynguo aludts won. Nvee nig,kwro. Ear iedrmar poepel etgingt. Tnikh elab nad knith uccrhh toergteh i veacit ti vhae mreo in ngilebss i reat dna ebne i dan to rmeo erlayl oto ndeyys si eevsr adn a odg to eb. Ernigo ilke aedl ow,w theswrnot ocihr syyden yhuto ceryetln eht. Cotnrdioora uotyh m'i. Oww.
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Enswra ot e:ssniuoqt royu.
So -. . . Nirnnieeegg pu eikl tosyr rof edpho i 'its eddne yruo snreapt a in airgjnom lgon atlrleecic but. Istll a nhwe ktinh i ti nmrauegt nda atwh attcaimru dam i peehnpad otbau gte yrlale was. Weak ofr was it up a alcl me igb btu. Dan htprieolansi hwis to ihwt mmo lto veag my vreo rlfetce imshonegt rhgthuo i fro swn'at it leetrda it em a tnwe klwyoe fo ti elhwi i a,rey a ym epsac. I hate altculya ti, tdon'. I act'n say it i olve. Hkint ee i but lrylea nesingirtet tmmseosei is. Eebttr es, nivdre ont obdedut ginod lto i 'im eb sabeecu pre a hmcu i nsoapsi os tnah 'mi yb nigod tub ouwdl fmeyls ouhhttg i. Eon omarsj noigd ahey, fo ehratsd yro'eu eth. In na of eth ugggnlrist and era ofr nifd iserintpnh it eon feirsdn ouy msreum a lot ldien vahe oryue' oury utb hwne pu dsgciencue to. Osde eefl elaylr aws dipa lful it dcsirieacf in vrtgyehine elki nad in rfo yuo kcba god roem.
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Lfei - ogceell saw ignngcah. Pitsormo inttsanyl sahdenvi ynsoemdr ym. Oelv i aivds. Love ocsohl ym i rfma. Os i vleo it on no wyh btaou i oucdl rehe and og ucmh. Hewn idutsp me carepom esfylm leef peleop oethr nreve to eelf jorma msietme,os i but smake ditups ym i. So iknd eitrfndef rhee hbmlue mofr dan eryvneoe nad lal srtso fo is cbuagrknods. Payhp os im' het eraa i bay etfl. To evppeitescr sedaph dvisa ym igogn yralel. Daehsr a litsl ehafrsnm hitw a lvedi gnriomo ruoy rdom taetpmrna dna ym ehr ni in i hwit s,oranh eyra oicns,u 'mi. Ew anolg tge einf. A gliebnss hhurcc sa niahvg 'ist a moetmaor meremb a.
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- gprsou definr ooclsh ym hihg. . . Bit tresm uqite hsntig a in evha ngdchea fo aicdsnym. Ni uoyr itlsl vrey ecslo kiatng eif,l uro'ye a hogthu aetksabc omer fo yvhdai ttsadre. Ktaie githert a cumh iaoicvrt me dan dan aveh ecsrol rito nad bmceoe. ,nreei ugorp oru fnderi nima xesdtne mm,ae adn g,enia ot tce. Is ryev etuiq lnsethyo, adn chum ogth!uh i ym ryuo leif ni evol avyihd ltsli idfrne oprug. Hutoc to ysta in i ew lal lvoe nda mdgnaae who selco. Frroeev i teyh nda mteh lveo ilwl be ym eisomh. Rheettog we nad twih ggiownr who eiengs pu usnham vleo as temh i nhcage. And rea i sak nseifdr rehyteingv ni ofr eyth rwndoaik,hrg loduc iurppvoet,s hlbe,mu. To 'im tadlu na thme tiwh so obcmee xetecid. Ew ofmr oen thero ew aawfsey netspar ot bkca dya chae rou got togetrhe pygina lkginaw ni adn were chas. Selpca and nrsarusteat aehc own dngiivr herot ot ew'er far wyaa.
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In eifrnd nad rahntoe ewf lwli dna eornsi yare dan you a aialmkl nteerunco ruopg ihsima horets hwit. . . Teniginsert eb ti wlil. Dna den ingdo dutspi citxo lliw cool ersup and hmisai oyu si anem ,sitnhg ubt pu. Vnee eogs her sadiv, uoy nd'to hmuc twhi ot incteatr hgohut misiah. Ton tays realyl wlil oochsl hhgi oehetgrt uogrp that atfer. Dna wot of eibvs utb or em nthoagu atth a apspher liwl dna be ebark gruop aktl ehter oiaictrv 'odtn we ikel ovre het mmeitseso. .
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The llo oabomb unino. Wow. Ogurp hscolo eldidm ifdren. Syug echa iankd riunoj lrealy by i with innaghg reya arp,at ew nkith tidrf othre emnoary rnwtee' uyo uto. Ilek krebatonehr a hchiw ewer wyh htem esebuca pu it ubtorhg pbylorab ouy swn'ta si enve ihygntan or asw rethe uyo lluatof. Fo dan ewgr ceha stuj htat ti eriftdd meeesd we horet uto larnaluty aatrp. Tsi' kayo. Hpnpsea ti. Etbrte than dab lbodo ihvnga. Gzailreni soal i hnkti ethy dtd'in brbaplyo mi'. . Atht hhsra sdonus em ekdli uchm alrely ,lwel as as i tme?h klei. Em dont' tath heyt nmea i leik d'ditn. Ikle ti omer kitnh i saw. . . Eerw hwo my of a meussa ethy apcroitceerd em eirhts fo to yonl ibt eetnir was dan reyeevon ti part was eniva lyneseint a ubt twaodsr i ,elif tfle hemt i. - aer tfidefner we ruo eerwh eppoel went for yhet ofnud awsy, sa wno. Ellayrlit vingil nwo sveli i aer dyetas o?nw onw llgo,cee but etmh em, hriet eht in reil-g and hes's eilk vdayih hntik ehirt fo an nsihtg 'stajen adn in udtnsigy erst iacitvro, ,eettghor adaanc. Orhet fi in yhet hcmu ihtw tno thuco mi' ceah as peek uers.
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Eeatsf. Ednde pu atls oohscl eigavln hhrccu ftaih ryae. Uto yiolvsuob taht not inanosrge he,re to gonig m'i tudecvolon si iar het nda. Lphe mecobe fi ew hpsee rlsiatpui i tnhki htmgi c'nta nda tlso a hatt all hnet fnedtiefr ntgihs ewre neeb btu hes's erbtte hvea isd,nerf. Ot(hguh nda treeh see ni lla ehac us ew lltis era all feifrtnde in rthoe dna lcspae ),calnfiorai nad ewe'r of rehe weto,eshir oslelgce. Abkc kthni nad na aa,wy nylo casubee i ktamra oemh sviit eqferlnuty naioolsaccyl teg to eart soge 'im i. Inhkt atth e'rwe be urdissepr i by gtsiyund 'dnulotw nighst lal yuo. To renpos our - wen porgu a uyaltacl daedd tog. Ika. Gao nlgo hatt otn pebzadit esh gto. Hcngead sna ialrclystda sah osje too hcrhuc. Lto hytou kgnoiwr tuhyo serepnec rhtese' an llarove a ogrtesnr dan erom. Won emor lot orazgenid is't a. Uory tyhuo tcnoiorraod a evne rsrt'boeh.
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Ym a owngr - lceoleg hifat rstdaet tlo ahs cesin. Evi' hda a of pusmsl lot. My ronwg ahs evol btu orf ogd. Haev i wtih ogd nwo hkitn i enrefifdt openaiislrht a. Aesbuec tihbas ervy rea omse mchu pu kpicde fo eiv' ym lmsspu adb nda rvey ochslo. Olt no shit rteclef to rehes't a.
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Do - vyer qulenoet i lislt trtele ellt ryuo nca at i wginrti rmof uyo sersti?o were ahnt erwti. Uoy eewr egdianr hmcu so. Yuor ifel wsa trureaelit. Ee,cogll lto a tbu rof bheobsi md,tia enlrgo il'l ym tiem eedhlvs iopders fo icnse of gte. Heret eerh mi' gitwnri adn itlls. Okswr irngienneeg giben receviat cumh eansm wtih mayorne in sa ontd' ttnrciae i ot teg utb. And uoy atrts tinhk gte sl,es econ i gndreia at ewsro iwrngit uoy. Ai to nto nmeonti. . . O'tnd hpgctat is dgo, htaw even yuo wkno. Felmys i kihtn cisen xregnspsei esdtopp at e'iv togtne e'iv srweo iagdenr. Ut!b i i!inrtwg velo siltl.
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I - ehav ewns doog. Btaetl het do wthi nbads dan in up rmeo tgiura lwil ireson nvee of and the ni you evol vnee flal reay csmiu pikc. Dna it ot ltis llwi liwl yoru rscso cuks uyo tbu fof egt oyu heva kcbuet ufn. Dna wno orme ylpa a aoipn urgati tol i. For uhrhcc nioap days mlnaiy heste. U,ohhgt add gloiokn idwer na nctecoolli ot hmnrodoic to onggnoi an veha eitsnrumnt eth i noocicellt.
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I ni reettb hihg a i i oklo lshooc lgow ntah up? did - nkiht. Bsaci ir,cthusa od amek to rleande pu how evi' teterb i ucmh tge. Nrngilea utb e'vi i bnro a saw eptcac 'tsi unrtun,atfloey tsuj cppdhoe atth nda gruestlg enbe neeb to ndaik. Meoc lrane teh a oabtu ta gmy out omer korw tol fesmyl oth!hgu to i ve'i. Locdu say hda uoy wglo pu a bayme i elatnm. .
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Alimfy pus - my aynm osdnw adn sha adh. . . Csnei evi' noicdte htugho eben acsep bakc elss to and leoglce erom mteagruns ,htroe elcbalmp nomigv we ehrwe 'tershe rfom heav hcae. Eebn imagnk r,hchcu hmcu sha hse's wgrno cuhm fseirnd, lomedelw meor ni uto os so artipluis so faith mmos' ym ferat aietcv nda s'esh dna. Uffst onw we retteogh aimfly od remo. Up i iwhs dha fo otrs itsh ogiwrgn mmo i. Hes pu onrggwi wlaysa bysu dan tsseersd so mesede. Upesr eflt rhe scelo hitw renve i. Tgrtnasi ymabe sloa hse i ambey to coiendt is dan iafmyl eipgndns intkh ncei 'essh sa ttha gwonrig hetrgeto mi' sloa si utb pu mite ezealir. Nad nnndieedtpe not ingvli ehom igbne eht em aytelri oescl revy of nda uyfll ta si. Uot vhae i to nede ltisl cetdoimaclp ometosni rokw eryv i. Audtegra in gneahrcsi itlsl jtnsu'is ojb dan hloosc ofr llo ee layutacl. Indneert uhgtho etsim she' a ewf.
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- man. Utb a eerth sha i yarse ebne hcngade owrld wokn it's teh lyno olt. Siallpecey adn ihwt hnet vdoic ai. Knhit illw oudfn lsywaa tla wne otsr thera ucsmi leobgn ockr i'ev ym i ot but of. Hpsae renev thta gorw to of deesme otu. Nat'c and meisna lal here sy,e nms,aag ethm dogo tsli. Iscwhana uory nma stlli oefvtira is. Ltpaopuyir st'i ldepdxoe ni. I rfietvoa toernedh might dene itkhn uyro vmazkoaar het as fo rbseotrh aest.
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In - hda leif nesrzaaiotli i've many. .
:era efw a.
Do as uaobt yuo hyte tond' acer uyo umhc htkin peelop as. Tnayxie em htis delpeh aicslo stom of evcoemro my. Idnk acn si't be as,d of ti utb rngeeif. .
Lfie otoclrn xtecep rveo aveh rulyfeos no uoy uyor. To, siared teh eth cioasl erwg fialacnni ni, itn,o het go oyu eht ouy, or pu oyu hatt tec erwe oyu tno holcso utnsoitai nbro fliaym rentvinnome. .
Sgincarh mofr ihgh orenveey i out okwn colhos eerspdsde ro wlykeo is. Ihhg my uleicddn ocolhs fsdinre. Ot lyon htgin si see hnew saye nd'to you 'sti veah iatfh, hwo teh sycimnic etfl ni ifle ylrael yruo. .
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Vhea am lot tno pyh?ap fo be to papyh i saesonr i a nkthi i. Can klei hsom,owe eth eb kwno resnpo eelf i ippsteha tbu i i. Oseyll ebing pypah aoensrs ubt my are rfo igliseour. If aevh in i d'dtni eifl ym ogd. . . I 'im wudol eusr heewr veen be ont. I !pphay e!yah vlseo !em dgo ma os.
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Ni tawh bend wrtasdo nsu fsolrew ietm igfrude itkhn uot nseam lal eht 'ive i. Ot ltesa m,e at. .
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Chum utb t'si os a1:2m30 i to rhcuch i vahe more alos ays dan womortor veha. Nad kwee lsfain tenx. Grha. Orf dgylal sdknir seom ouy lwoud join i. .
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Ouy voel i.

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