A letter from Jan 1st, 2022

hmm where to start! Lets go with your belly. Is big seventeen year old me have abs or not. I actually dont know with this one, its a 50 50 shot i guess. 2021 you was prettyyyy.. ehh. anime, rock and a quiet brown haired boy to sweep me off my feet.. who also happend to have no interest in me. Nice way to end the year. Did we ever.. tell him? You know, how we felt? I know the answer to this, because even though we grow and change throughout the years, theres one thing we dont change. And thats maybe because thats just who we are.. Confrontation. hah. gotchu. Any new unexpected friends? lovers? ouugh im making my already cramped stomach cramp even more. aaah femenist Ceci. What a phase am i right? One guy and you completely vanished. Oh! I know, are you into drums? please say yes. Your so ******* cool if you are. **** you're seventeen. I know, I just know youve changed. I can feel it. But dont worry its a good thing, your doing the right thing I promise. What color is your hair?? Red, black maybe? How was the finale of attack on titan? Are u still into anime? hows that daydreaming problem coming along? Anything come true? I can feel how young and naive I am right now. Because I have a problem with connecting and with dissasociating. I also have a thing with pushing people away and I love being alone. I enjoy my company but I hate myself. thats ironic. Im toxic for myself but thats just because parts of me need changed or worked on. Do we still cut ourselves. its okay if you do. Just. do it for a good reason. You know what I mean. I hope a year from now me is not being led by thoughtless boys who havent a feeling towards me. I hope her passions are filled with life. I hope she achieves what she wants. I hope with all of me that you are happy. or finally grasping the meaning of it. But who am i saying that, it takes years and years of development and growth to obtain that, right? maybe im wrong, who knows! Art. what a lovely topic because you Ceci. Are art. I know you dont know this. and maybe even a year from me know is unaware. But you are worth something. You hide your fragilness with fake masculinity and the appearance of being tough. You escape your sensitivity with violent music and manic drawings. You bury your quiet and soft heart with the ice walls of never letting anyone or anybody in. You hide your frusteration with anger and mask your insecurity and hatred for yourself with those petty salty cuts. But your pretending. arent you? Cecilia, its okay to be soft. Its okay that your heart is a little too big. Its okay to that you feel things so, so hard. Its okay to love the way you do, with everything youve got. its okay to be hurt. Its okay to be angry. Its okay to be You. You dont have to hate yourself anymore. Because this year, this is the year Im going to forgive not only those people around me, but me. Im going to forgive myself for the horrible horrible way Ive neglected you and let you down. Im so sorry Ive hurt you in the way I have. Im so so sorry. Go for that walk. Look at the sky. Pick that flower. and watch the sunset. Love the stars and love the night. And when you do it, think of nothing but the beuty around you, the beauty that is the art of life. the intrinsice magical arrangement of life. And you are put in it. Not because you are a mistake not becaue you feel unloved. But because you are needed. Cecilia, your presence makes a difference. I promise no matter how small you feel, or how small other people make you feel. You are huge. Your heart is so so so vivid. You admire everyone around you simply because they are in existence. Simply because they breathe. But you forget yourself. You hate the person you are. Simply for existing. So you talk about other people. Their beauty and their preciousness. But YOU. YOU. Ceci, your so angry. You want it to be quiet but your so loud. You listen to music on max volume to blot out the sound of your own failures. You cant stand the silence because it makes you feel small. You hate yourself, Ceci. Your wrapped in a tight tight ball of threads with no ends. and you just continue to circle around and around until one day those threads are going to choke you. And youll explode with the weight of your Hiding. Wake up! This is your life! Jesus Christ put you on this earth. He woke up and decided He wanted you in Heaven with Him becasue HE LOVES YOU. GOD LOVES YOU. And He never once gave up on you. Because Your life is purposful and you are beautiful. never forget that and have a wonderful year of 2023. I love you.