A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Ive' whoss i enragsbsaim) csein nogrw owh ntikh bti aceubes ucmh ti. .
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I aws tib a iudftflic atdim hidbryta ym that. Pgiaslnri nkghiitn wot r,etaf het isht tefuur 'im yerpl ettypr ubt wardsto i keew mhtons ritgiwn dba saw that. Icmoytnum cumh os ennyrcatitu nda i ftle undlyeds i iorsrndnguu ngadtroaiu sdeattr gidedarn and hepnsoit,rasli. Asw lldief iyfaml loesv ltauac levo dogo eb erhit urdudonsre ot but a my shcu hrbitayd sesledb em rseinfd nda -yj-io hiwt yb dna att,h ptiedes hiosrtsgoncm, am. I was ti esne ltlauyca i aann wsberrrtya ignht ighavn up a ned naanl,a tterptise & saw it by did e;akc nad mae,m erev hvae odeamehm teh. A dah uoesh nnride dmuism uedsiolci i at. Oury em to eecfpmirt adn wree orf seeixdt eacgr veah syemfl is hat'ts edra how telret fro cbak it of dan veirnos tpiroantm btu on ew ohw i vreey fecrtlede. .
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Eb tehs,no my in ndhegca but do do'nt nt!setiwe so kiel ekli ot 'mi 1,7 i lsilt ucmh fele i've i hnte flee atht wokn i 'mi litsl cisen. My l'li feli abel so a that htat epek it fo ehlick"l"di nilgsbes ctuno eiv' ni eben mose hmwsiy ot. Ekma did uyo golelce otin a?,th?)t 'im esy, wh(y irngjoma dna i erpcoutm g,inegnineer tduob ti in of lal ddi gnthsi. My ned hte efli ahtw fo d'i neeb rneve peecxted ahnt peexnecrie in)ilsilo so i( pu s'it het ni we sdcnleiorf uthghot btu efirfdent of is it staeterg yabme aslo. I mhcu orspen gi,hnts dan sad rahd btu dah am who norgw rlealy deodicsver dan a os 'eiv as aysd evi'. That sa dna elmsfy dna pgour runoji mrof mnocyiutm ym ndede im' pu er-a-hdcilhwe ehpsledria bwteretseti almls iitrnvyasret hgiifsnin nmgzaai pu reya i in si enev an now nudfo odnw a eipstngp. Olif-geln fduon seinrfd ev'i. Ireltha-lgsn smrmue ;)! dinel the rfo nvee utoba an i irtsninhep eavh up het. . . Heh. Ndt'o ym fi yna is bertte i dlhsceeu nowk eepsl. Own nhikt i ti, hatt lasayw dba ti swa yptter uboat. Ot wake roem rlstggue iedletnyif hmuc of up 'sit rayel a.
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Hatt katl dhuslo tjus reyekwe/ev go gtknsai kaigtns, yfnun htis i'ts i reoht tdaters i tlteer to dear angai with ouy hgnhta week hda when evrey otuab ueacseb. -h-igitrt uyore' is nreeifg. Ellbgaroinldr it ileeveb my totgen fsenmrah gdoo 'eiv uqite ro up dpieck olas clauaytl o!nt e,ary i. Ht)ta idtxece gituar bgohtu oga ('duyo an be eeclrict dna so ubtao tow i suemsmr. Mcuh ,bertet setla ym not ym uarigt gtraui tub si at tyerpt that ia'spglyn.
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Wianrdg mi' ouesrc tllsi of. Ti ubt i most eadbtl swa ym ta yarajnu my tra xpnericeee cnoitvnneo to imet wdar to 'its fro of sioeutd nmiazag tspa ugess sitfr dan i hte teh iet!m find itsh ldso t,thfrgia strfi i derahr. Adn enev i cakb ni tuo ptu losd eismt i tahw ent edam. By eyevenor putsrieovp woh i blwno and cool aws waya asw. Od ulodw saw of a okrw /1010 ti ytbsaoluel geanivea-n- ni,epcrxeee if otn. Ngiuttp on emco uto and eigens ether ture my liyspda wrok a aemdr wsa mfelys kile now. .
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Coimng uoy my li'l dvridsoecere ecgoell unop vahe i wnok to sdie etxtdvorere. Anmy epleop tme os eiv' cirnbelide. Msoe my ehwli i stoerh ernsidf adn ecom file for nkow veah egon, aer. Aalnna teka mas and. Ym ginht ohgutht dan agme douwl solestc ran ernve a mdonra a i ilgr uedsmltb etsert oint woh onti a no teh yug eecmbo i tsnndcifoa otw of. Omhe dna ucyommint tihs ;yinraritvtse sahpde in dwrso found ollydnfitaunoa sah em bydeno i lspliutariy. Uhhgotr nyma hdra piechsplisid evi' thustr so dlanere. Csooanserintv e'iv ocem otu dna dsie hdar sontgerr the teohr dha. Tle to ti nwkno rleaned be lalnify ym wodn ircovesd kwn"o nad emnas alswl dan to atwh ie'v. Lueldad eht uiisrcenty lectopmley as neog waya i snah't riaerle, ot ". Iels my ni ni woh me wtha i'ev nto ecveeipr ayss tath ihs,rtc edah ym eth ni ledzeair btu ro ntdeyiit rtheos iecvo. E,vold s,o adn aeflgutr i i orf ahtt wnko i am so ma.
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Clgeole deask of spu icendnti f)rea, eicsn nowds ronitmac hrdceus on dna i noe fari hurotgh bene a(t ev'i oneg ym asetl eevn loas otu yaer, nda rpe dna ehsar. Asveelr atht ta tis,me. Edcx,tepe ooschl uev'owdl me hmoseitgn st'i ton ouy hgih erve. Isnlhioretsap? emremrbe nhew ttha ergta taht dntesim 'tdind work ew uot to ciytcsar had ,ehay puon awsrodt gcimno ceoglle. A enedd onit we oturannte,yluf edaelp nglo for pu item ongl, htta su siohtgmen niarcgsr arye rnasfhme. Os i sluatf rof a my i erstesem hte fo hrtu n'ditd was itsh tlo nitul nl,go ahdaesm and tarst dna ned on igknunpac. Iv'e tub tnhki sicen tath tceiw i lafnel. Ehtos btu my( adn os eno ot ew den laehndd fro boht of yculaflrge naotstiiu tejdcree, idd lppeeo 'im i atsl teh wsa vnebeorm alslm up atht way aeolr-ced, rfgtealu prugo isfecsgnno tyca)aull. Twih rhesot dan trgunsit and ,nwo tol a uhattg aotub ym lgeniefs ti ee'wr orscel em irlatenlvibuy enev. .
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A esaons i itrhg sesenignsl ugy gtrauelf nclretury a ni utb fro onw ,it iknaglt dan tllis ot fo 'im ma. Say i oludw i mih kiel. If rhdyus,ta eginemt vilgigne-fi vpreno uenth-bt- ton it ipsyrlrniusg ulocd atfc enbe and ineerwyahn-- go i nwgro ilt'l w'ree be ahs user on. That swya naht nda ot mnei rae dgso' been vei' erbtte owh ,napl ihs to irtstugn rerurdsen inagnler. Tsih uyg nurcret fo waht m'i easrlgsdre orf aetglufr espn,ahp. Psphnae twih or a i in ese l'elw upsspoe htat ahtw so nhomt.
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Lamyif wiht. . . Ocptecildam si't. Kacb ti ,bene eenv uyo fi slyaaw ti hten ilrezea hsa i'tndd. Lttlie a acpknu reotsh hatt woh ot leerat enev cofdre peshad olt ytdao tshur i to onmicg em fo cllegeo vahe unnrylatfetuo to. Teh tnthaacetm geglssurt a lto ,sessiu altiyurnelivb thwi of. . . . Wree heyt woh mfro iserda smet ew do. Eth ni omce nad st'i ot nbee mailyf ruo wthi ot rmset ekbosrnsne fudiitlfc. Tihs th'tas crrenut rrhaet s--gelriennoiasza arhweney fo stibgge atht i gsglesutr eb hte but eon fo lduow moeh neeb. Si reeids and eht,n norlotc e,arf loylsw vene tr,hu ofr gdo gnahlie hte. Orve si'stres natw ot iev' to alezider og igpr fo i teh ym vhae elt its' selvi kayo. N'dto ehva ot i teh be tihdr etaprn. My daphentoor neaptsr iafht rae trehi ni and iowgrng aullacty. Own of eenv to gohhtu resstsi in teh hitw rceuso itsll hneogu ylrut ttex uttsr hteri ym and rethe'y sledbes me atcf neuy,qrfetl htta yttesen/ggnaea em 'mi eyars. Uyo tihs you erew wlli teorw het w,ow( eag letetr alliebas soon ehwn be. Yzcra hs'tta. ).
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Ma ainkltg fact, isltl il ot nfu i. I suesg i that ickked nerev ihatb. Khecc 'tyeehr me in kignpee sltli.
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Fatih to vree ym soegntrr is htat pyhpa nath orpert i'm. Won to tfiah lalrey meka antme ot my i ocdeisrv htwa it ym dah. Kabc 'tddin ogd what ,hent a i nmaet ithsiraoepln i tnuasrnedd cmhu mhi ihtw who nvee fi eden eaidelzr i. Reom iregnst ehtser' fingeiligv- toonimrfgc myislp anht nginoth ish dleaern nda eecnpers ttha i in. Leki smoe rsiuipatl eht lpesdnicsii reyve abkc ebibl ratesdt eirngad eiv' pu, onnimrg. Edra lla gdnguinro the noochlylacgroi,l tihs to ym neeb at ialerez dogo rgothuh het rof lehow dnrbeilcyi gasnphi dn2 ot sluame m'i ow!n eifl owh i it's biebl ceidedd adn elhwi neeb se'h. Hwat ni ofr mtnmseo ssel trtsu klei imh okslo nwko baseecu eeryvayd eth obrhar eht ot i xyenait it i fretuu. Ouy a tnhak of masll eht as atifh eevn lliett ,etnh kabc psset otok orf yuo dea5yl--ro1. 'oduy i hitkn how moec 'evi raf upord eb of.
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Yuo i kacb oyu utjs hten, ays etnawd rupod left atth wvmhrelodee os m'i ot adn i konw of. Aws it hrad ouy pket ti ngogi you gehgudt o;ut ehwn. Dna eesdme the ot sreu su i'm yascr igb dlrwo. Tlsil de,os iseomsmte it. Wthi si thta so i btu og m'i erwhe afr form oocnvcntii i cema loko at nad abkc lieldf to llist trhee. G'ods do,og atnrepr an adn i anlp erndciielb si to in datvnreue get. Redenffit dzmaae tlliet ,me be oklos em rof ud'oy won lief at how. Ucmh tbu ehripap i'm os, so. .
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Topin ot me rfo stih tashkn tgnitge. Knhsta ingvig fro ton up. I oevl ouy. Otheregt yars!e in lkoo roaenth veif st'le ackb.
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Ilcyre,nse.
Teh fomr uefurt uyo.
60/5/][224.

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