A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

I tib suacebe m)arsaegnibs woh howss rwnog chmu itknh ti sinec ev'i. .
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Rbathyid i dtlfcuifi a tib htta timda swa my. Was wot ubt teh etyptr uefutr kitnhnig ret,fa itgwirn kwee mi' tshmno iasripnlg hatt awrosdt bad erypl i iths. Attnryeuicn uaogantrdi adn and tstaerd i nduinsgroru i so tefl desyndlu hcum nroia,peilshts niedrdag cinymmuot. Yoij-- ma tclaua odog ,shnocroimgst maliyf sieptde vsleo t,ath ot ednirsf a hwit utb be ym and llifde me abtydhri was and chus etirh leov sseldeb yb nsurdeuord. Anan ysrrbaetrw ti nda i it vere by & was pu calulayt wsa ddi evah i ,mame e;ack teh ignavh a ptstitree gnith l,naaan esen ned oedmeamh. Had dnenri i iscleuido soeuh a uismmd ta. Repcfemti to dna but ryou ohw eyevr owh nad irvsneo rdae dietxse em totrnmipa 'thtsa ysmfel fro si terlefdce aehv for kabc it fo on eteltr rwee ew i rcaeg. .
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Nsi!eetwt ton'd senic eb od i klie efle i wokn m'i ,71 but itlls cmuh ei'v tehn i ,eshnot ni lefe so candehg ot istll ttha ym m'i keli. Bsgielsn been it msoe laeb fo to in "eldhkcil"i os a ym ttha nucto ve'i 'lli ahtt kpee lfei hmsiyw. Oitn aekm e,sy ddi m'i fo nda nojgmiar dbtuo oeeglcl mcpotreu lal wyh( enngeeing,ir uoy in idd ti ),??htat i nsgith. Ecexdept si n)liiolis efridnetf so emaby i( rifcndosel teh di' leif sateetrg tub dne laos we ecpeeixenr fo been thtouhg the ti hnta ym up awth vener ni of 'tsi. Dosdevceir ma dan ,ghstin v'ei adsy hwo elylra but so a as nrsope dsa nrogw i ardh nda dha i've uhcm. Dufno si reainrytsvti dnede pu nad in im' pu urnijo ym mylefs an i-rhlhedc-wae eyar a mslla now as odnw sepnpitg restibetewt ihnsginfi ahdlereips vene oynmicmtu dan iagzanm rugop that i ofrm. Odfun nsfdrie vi'e eflnolgi-. I teh ndlie trnsephnii up emmusr )!; the an otuab evah rfo eevn rlah-ntsegil. . . Heh. Nodt' nowk ertebt ym si epels if uhedlces yan i. Bauot bad asw i i,t walays hknit nwo atht pertyt ti. Oemr akwe humc aeyrl erluggts of eyifitelnd pu ot a 'sti.
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Elttre og naiga utjs dolsuh erda thhgna i ot tdtesra otbua adh taht keeyew/rve i 'sit eeryv tlak fnnyu gisantk beeacus iwht ouy ohrte ekwe ,gkitnsa ewhn tihs. Tig--thri si 'eyoru eefnrgi. Rrbdaigonelll ton! ym ro ,yrae aluytlac vieeleb 'ive it tgeotn pu hemsnafr i ogod ciedpk tueiq alos. Owt you'd( eb eletrcci na eumsmrs dtiecxe so grtuia dna oag i obghtu utoab t)tah. Tytrep lni'agspy thta tbu ta my ,terteb si tlesa ym not ruiatg cmhu tguiar.
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Tlils wgnrdia i'm cuseor fo. Eth eimt spat at tfrsi i to my swa my lsod detalb suseg eixpeeecrn of manzagi dna teh eiuotsd draw ubt 'sti i i tra it dinf gt,thifra tsih smot rfo ovnnonteic imet! anrjyau erdahr ot istfr. I losd tne dmea htwa cakb i eevn mtise upt and ni uot. Aws adn hwo saw i olco oieprvptsu by lwbno ayaw eeoyrven. Ton a of lodwu if ievgae--nan rexcp,neeei ti olastuleby wsa /1010 rkwo od. Ekli nda herte korw nwo ocme ertu flsmey eardm gupntit my gsneei no swa tuo liasdpy a. .
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Oupn uoy okwn lelgcoe to gnimoc seid ym dortrxetvee rsddireeecov ahve li'l i. Os eoplpe rinldieecb mte ve'i amny. Rfo smeo teorsh mceo rea whlie i ym heva dna e,gon nwok elfi iensrdf. Asm alanan akte dan. I of wot a nda ihntg tion a noit dwoul i eenrv a oslsetc aemg eth sbumteld nmroda no ohw my gthouth dcnnaofsit ugy trstee rgli nar mecboe. Eomh wrosd i ia;itetrvysrn hapdes yadoulnoiltanf me salipuiltry and ash udofn this mutimnoyc ni enybdo. Lcihdpiiepss enraeld tuthsr os mnay hard v'ei rhhoutg. Sgroertn vie' ides erhot tuo cemo neasrotinsovc adrh had teh dan. Allyifn eb sveocrdi n"kwo donw ot to dan alslw adn wnonk esnam ahtw my ti let 'evi rneleda. Eogn hte ayaw as hn'tsa iyrsciuten to delulad i arelrie, " eteocpyllm. Deha ocvei vi'e atwh precivee lesi ni htat me ht,crsi ni syas esohtr ym ym ton ziredael eth how tedyniit ni ro tbu. Ma d,evlo nkow dna i i o,s ma so i ttha gtfalreu for.
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Dna usp ohrguht pre cdsuerh osla a(t arfi v'ie fo uot eno dswno adn ahsre neve my desak ar,ey i no re,fa) cisne ceegllo tsale adn ogen aritnomc bene icnitnde. At ms,ite elveras tath. Uyo htmeoinsg eerv lcoohs ihgh w'vldeou tno i'st em cetpe,exd. Taht nmcigo ew ensroh?lastiip rememerb atht eglleco tou tcisyrca opun garte to estmnid n'itdd ahd ewhn wdrsato kwro ,eahy. Delepa tath a needd lgo,n emti eray lgno tino oeimhgstn su erfmnsah pu ew fro otanfrluyu,net cngarsir. Ned mesreste tsih auflst htru so nda i aws and tol gpinkcnua no eht emdshaa my ttsra a fo i tiuln fro ogl,n 'niddt. I've sicen i etwci tikhn alefnl htat btu. Den and erflclugya e,jcdetre ahtt saw for satiiotnu i ot tesoh i'm tub y(m nessifncgo up neebvomr lartuefg aslt so oepple mslal bhot way of eon ew orupg hte alo,decer- halendd did ucllaa)yt. Sigutnrt my olt me a iunbviretllay ee'wr tboau osreht ihtw it eevn ,nwo gttuah ifeglsen lrceso nad adn. .
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I'm tisll seosna ghtri ma slsgseinne btu for i t,i a now tlnaigk gyu adn gtearlfu fo nrruylcet ot in a. I wodul i imh yas leik. Ysrilpuisnrg og otn and nn-ereywi-ah tacf been gnrwo t'lli ,srduhyta doucl ahs egili-nfgiv fi inmeget i on esur eb ti butn-t-he eerw' vrnoep. Evi' lrnneaig btrete dna pnl,a suntgtri eesrrrdnu to sod'g ienm who yaws ttah eebn ear to than ish. Ugy tsih rfo rneurtc utrefgla atwh srasregled ,epashpn of i'm. Htat ro 'ellw waht os a ni twih speanhp i thomn spoupse ees.
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Mliyfa hiwt. . . 'sit ctmdcaoielp. Then if you enev ti laywsa n'didt ziarele hsa akbc ti ,eenb. To hspead a ot that liettl gnmioc reohts hwo elclgoe ennrltuayutof etlera eevn fo lto hstur ahve i tdoay caupnk cofdre ot em. Susesi, setrgulgs otl hte a cmaantetth fo ablrinutyveli twhi. . . . Mfor do owh disear rwee thye we mste. Eben stemr iwth i'ts hte oecm ot ftfliicdu to uor fymail sensobrekn in and. Tish oen taht nebe lssgreugt rcretnu gsbetgi duowl het fo i enyaerhw aherrt irslio-aznneasge- tub of be home tt'sha. Ogd tnhe, glheina yslolw htru, is cltoonr adn het orf ,reaf esride neve. Og ot tel fo ym het rvoe t'si heva atnw sstsr'ie ivsel i irgp erledazi ot i've yoka. Hitrd i o'ntd be have teh ot eprant. Nda in terhpaoond rae npstare autllacy ym teihr tiahf oinwgrg. Usttr sitll em 'mi atth ttex wthi vnee onhegu ayers esrists wno tuylr hguoth fo enys/ttgaeenag in my hreit ercsou eth to tfca sdseleb qyfee,tlunr 'htreey em nda. Nweh o(ww, aeg tshi blseiala nsoo tlreet eewr rowet you het lwli yuo eb. H'ttas yazcr. ).
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Il i tf,ac to am lilts nuf ltnaigk. I i idcekk vneer atbhi sgesu ttha. Em llits enkpgei the'yre cckhe in.
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Htta ot i'm retgnsor hftai hppya evre nhta ym is eortpr. Eatmn dah ot htiaf to my hwat ti dsircevo i yelarl my kaem own. Fi idzaeler i enve ened estdadunnr ditnd' hawt him a hwti uhcm kcba aentm i oneialpihstr i h,ten how dog. Hogntin neraedl mero psimly athn sprcenee sehtr'e i -lngfviegii ish ni trengsi ofgnrmcoti dna htta. Ekli iidpenlcssi eth tesradt ,up bakc rgeaidn 'ive rmnniog luartipis revey bleib meos. Alsmeu blieb at reda how dna ggrndonui bene iehlw i'm gruhoht 'hes w!no orf teh lla lfie 'ist sihgapn icynlidber ogdo bnee ot i iraleze ihts to cholcg,illoonyar ym dn2 eedidcd teh lwheo. Eeavyydr scuaeeb urtfue mmetsno to teh awth for in kown soklo ti i hmi uttsr ahrobr i klei sesl xnyiate teh. Ookt uoy fthia ouy tlleit ofr teh tpses ckab fo enve aktnh mlsla a orl1-adey5- sa ent,h. Of o'uyd raf i nkiht evi' eb rupod ecmo woh.
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Jsut okwn to i tath ne,ht evhedrmweol uyo flet adn you wdante sya os upodr fo 'mi kcab i. Wsa it dguthge uyo uyo nhwe it uot; inogg tkpe rhad. Big dan eusr eth wrold us 'mi ot cryas deemes. ,eosd it litsl etsmemois. To i so si at i far that utb ackb loko litls og weher cmea ntioocnciv dfeill twih m'i rethe dan mofr. Og'sd eatderunv an i get si adn odgo, nlpa to rapnrte ieldrcebin ni. Oolks rof ta em, azdeam ou'yd leittl lief me ohw now eb rteinffed. M'i hcmu os tub s,o priaeph. .
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Ot ihts opitn fro em khstan ggnetti. Shknta for givgin ont up. I ouy lveo. L'set ni kbac vefi oklo ry!esa ahtrone ehtertgo.
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E,inclsrey.
Teh urtefu omfr you.
6/[]022/45.

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