A letter from Nov 14th, 2021

Dear Future You, I know that the chances of you using or even knowing of this website is very slim, but if I'm wrong, and maybe one day you stumble upon this letter somehow, then this is for you. If I wrote a letter on the day we first met to be delivered a year later, then it would've been received about 2 weeks ago. I wonder what I would've written that letter, since I don't think I expected us to last this long, and for us to see a whole year and more. Of course, my opinion and feelings towards you would be very different then compared to now. And yours the same; so I wonder, how you felt about me before, and how you feel about me now? I'm writing this because I've got a lot on my mind, and maybe there's that small sliver of chance that you might see this and understand how I feel, because it's not something I can completely ask/tell you without it being weird. I think at some point in time, I had a crush on you. I really loved how we talked a lot and got along really well. We had the same music taste and interests, and we already quickly established that we spend our leisure time doing very similar things as well. I think it just astonished me to have met someone who was very similar to me in that regard, because a lot of my friends have similar, but not the same interests as me. I thought maybe, this was meant to be? Or something similar, because you initially caught my attention for the way you looked. We might have similar interests, but we don't look the same at all; however, you definitely did look a lot like the guy I was in love with ever since senior year of high school in that one photo I told you about. At the time we met, I was at the stage where I was almost over him, but I didn't want to be. And at the time we met, you were still heartbroken over your ex. I think that's also how we bonded so quickly, because ...trauma bonding probably haha. There were a lot of times where I wasn't sure if I liked you, because I thought I still had feelings for that guy. And you still had feelings for your ex too. But, if I reflect back on it now, I'm sure I did at some point. I felt a little upset this one time that you didn't feel like you were putting in the effort to respond to me, so I ignored you for a week. But I texted you again because I didn't want whatever this was to be over. I think we did get closer after that point, and now we text each other every day and semi-often. We've only met up several times since we first met, and I honestly enjoyed every time we hung out. And there were times where there was a really good chance of us meeting if we wanted to, but we didn't. But I secretly hoped that it would happen. If anything, I'm still hoping for us to hang out more because we don't see each other often. Part of the problem is that I never reach out. But I don't because I know that you don't prefer hanging out with people one on one, and I don't know any of your friends, so it's not like we could hang out in a group altogether either. That, and I don't have anything in particular to do with you, so I don't want to ask to hang out when I have nothing in mind on what we could do. And sure, we could just go get dinner or lunch or something, but it kind of makes me feel awkward to ask so I just never have. And now as I'm typing all of this out, it kind of makes me feel upset in a way, because I think I just realized that I probably still like you, but it's definitely very different from every other person I've liked before in my life, because the difference is that you're within reach. And we're actually FRIENDS, and VERY CLOSE. And I have no idea of how you feel about me, like I really have no clue. And the reason why I don't have a chance isn't because I'm not your type (idk what yours is actually, but for the others I knew I definitely wasn't theirs), but it's because you're still in love with someone else. Like, there's never going to be a place for me in your heart like that, and it doesn't matter what I say or do. Because I can do everything in my power to make you like me better, but it won't work. And it's confusing too. I think your friendship confuses me. And I don't know if it's because of how I interpret your actions myself in my own delusional way, or because you're actually being confusing. I guess the only one standout thing that I couldn't seem to understand was last month, when it was your birthday and you invited me to your kickback last minute. I can't say for certain that you really wanted me there, seeing that you invited me at 11pm. You said you forgot to invite me. I said if you wanted me there, you wouldn't have forgotten. You said you lied and it's because your ex was going to be there too. If we were just friends, then why should it concern either one of us if I was going to be in the same space as your ex? It's not like we were together. It's not like you had a crush on me, or you knew that I had a crush on you. That's the one thing I can't seem to understand, but I think now, that you just didn't want her to misunderstand our relationship in the chance that she wanted you back. Ah what the heck, why is this even something that confuses me actually. You literally have multiple playlists dedicated to your ex that you made recently, and also you keep meeting up with her at the concerts you've been going to, and hanging out with mutual friends altogether while you're still hurting over the breakup. I guess the whole point of this is that sometimes I can't help but feel like you could kind of like me possibly, but in the end, I know that you're still in love with your ex. And that it would've hurt a lot if I wasn't preoccupied with my own feelings towards the other guy, because I would've definitely liked you. And I'm sure I don't have feelings for you in this present moment, but I kind of did before. And I know this because there were a lot of instances back then where I thought about you a lot, and tried to come up with scenarios where we could hang out again, and got annoyed/angry a lot in situations where, if I had no feelings for you whatsoever, then I wouldn't have felt so pissed off in the first place. But also a lot of it was also annoyance in a friend way too, because there were a lot of times where it felt that you didn't value me as a friend as much as I did for you. Now I feel like the contents of this letter sounds kind of stupid, because there should be more context and there are a lot of holes too bc i didnt mention like every single thing that has happened and I overthink about at times , bc rn I just sound like a whiny btch but I'm too busy to continue this HAHAH anyways! Time to see where we stand next year, and if we'll continue to be close or not.