A letter from Nov 2nd, 2021

Dear FutureMe, Feeling a little weirdly down today. I don't know what it is. Maybe a little FOMO because there was that bonfire mix-up for this past weekend. He invited me like a week ago and I said I had that friend shipping double date to go on Friday, but I was free Saturday. Well, I'm no idiot and walked past him casually talking about it with his two friends. I didn't think they thought I heard anything as it was pretty ambiguous. But then come Monday I casually talked to one of these friends as I normally do and he basically was like, ah it was such a shame you couldn't be there, the bonfire was so much fun, let me show you pictures. Bruh I don't wanna see pictures I was maybe uninvited? He said he'd get back to me, but he never did. He is awfully shy so maybe he felt that the bonfire was on the same day as my double date, it ended up not being the case because he never double-checked. As I talked to another friend who happened to be there he was also like, "ah you should have been there, what a lame excuse why you couldn't be there lol." Like he never got back to me and told everyone there that I had that double date thing. I ended up mentioning it to one of these friends again and he said that it wasn't disingenuous or anything, he was mainly like, "yeah, I invited her and she would have been here, but she had this double-date thing" and his friend even recounted little details I had told him before about what movie we were going to see, who it was with, how I really didn't want to go, all that jazz. It seemed like a lot of fun and a genuine misunderstanding, but if he had just texted me to reconfirm when I was busy I would have gone. Well, besides that Cabaret is in full swing. The assistant sound tech is out with Covid which sucks, but it wasn't like I wasn't already managing 95% of the show anyways. She's still in training. This is such a little thing ugh, but for some reason it bites at me. I feel as though I am not in a solidified friend group right now, and even though I would have been the only girl at the bonfire, it's still nice to feel included. He seemed genuine in his invitation and we are friends. Him and his friends are nice, engaging, intellectual, and not overbearing. I want to be friends with them because I want to feel happy around people again. I feel so emotionally drained around people nowadays and don't want to feel like I'm putting on a show or faking it. I like my weird awkward self, fun style, and sense of humor, why don't others too? I'm not unpopular at school. I'm kind of known as the responsible smart kid lol. I'm in plenty of academic clubs while still having contact with people at school. People seem to like me and our conversations, just not guys I like. What is with this. I just want to go to college where I won't feel confined to my small town and the guys who are here. I feel that I need a fresh start. Dang it these guys were like a mini fresh start and I feel like I blew it. Oh well. Hope this email finds you well Anna. Hopefully you guys are chill now.