A letter from Oct 30th, 2021

Dear Future Me, Hey it's me, and all I really have to say is "I hope you enjoyed middle school." Like everyone else, middle school was a huge milestone. Everyone was figuring themselves out, but it seemed like you really didn't. I feel like middle school was when you lost your spark, when you lost yourself. I remember everyday when I was little, I told myself I would always be beautiful to me, that only my opinion mattered on myself (even though I was always insecure about myself), but I was wrong. I let myself die in these thoughts that I thought. I felt shame and pity for myself. I wanted to die. I lost all of my self esteem, I lied to myself, and my attitude towards myself was always so negative. I decided to cover it up because I thought that it was the only way to cope. I was scared, I forced myself to think that I was scared of the world when in reality I was scared of both the world and myself, my feelings included. I would cry myself to sleep every night but I never shared my feelings to anybody, I kept all the pain to myself because I felt as if nobody would care. I felt as if I told anyone about it they'd say some stupid **** like "You need help mentally" or "OMG ARE YOU OKAY?!" I was never really shown affection so I didn't need "Are you okay?" or "I'm so sorry?" I wanted someone to just to talk about it, someone who actually gave a ****. It got worse once the pandemic came. I stopped caring about my studies, I cried so much to the point where crying started to become a disability. I hated myself because I was myself. I was mentally drained, I was burnt out. I lost every last ounce of my self esteem, I lost my social skills, I lost my communication skills, I lost my creativity, and I felt like I lost happiness. I was in a deep dark hole that I couldn't get out of. I was raised with my toxic, manipulative, and angry mother, and that was hell. I decided that it would be best to stay away, to stay isolated. I did that but that made my mental state worse. It felt like everything I did for "myself" was ******* me mentally. That was until I talked to Gabby. I finally had someone to talk to about my feelings, she's basically the reason why I don't have to think the thoughts that I did. She helped me when no one else did. She was my comfort person. My 8th grade year started which meant I had to go too in real life school. It was hectic, I felt so claustrophobic since it had been a long time since I interacted with people. I was scared to talk to anyone but Gabby was there. She helped me make friends. I also made some too. I was in a much better place when I started in real life. However, that doesn't mean that I was completely fine. I could finally cry again but I stopped thinking these CRAZY negative thoughts. I was still super insecure, I put less effort into school, and I was still less motivated. I am proud to say I improved. I am happy and I hope you still will be. I love you and I hope you exceed your poor expectations for yourself. Make yourself proud.