A letter from Oct 23rd, 2021

Dear future Lauren, 1 year into the future. How are you? I am writing this the day before my 20th birthday, and yes, of course I will be listening to not nineteen forever on a loop all day, and yes, of course I would be lying if I said that I wasn't terrified about leaving my teenage years behind. Life right now is...well... I have just finished following Inhaler around on tour! It was one of the best times of my life seeing my favourite band perform all over the country! It made it so special seeing them with Jordan, and finally meeting Molly in person (even if she has been acting strange lately?) because they're the band that brought us together! Do you still speak to Molly? Or anyone you met from the internet? It was so surreal getting to meet the band in person (especially getting into the afterparty which felt like a fever dream) but honestly, I felt a bit disappointed when I met Eli. He blanked me when I asked for a photo and it hurt a lot. I suppose that's why they say never meet your idols. But it doesn't change the way that I feel about their music, and how their music makes me feel. Do you still love Inhaler? Or have you found a new obsession? Gigs make me very happy at the moment, even if they make my bank account unhappy (sorry in advance for anything I book for the future haha.) There is just something so special about singing your favourite songs in a sweaty room full of sweaty strangers. Do you still go to so many gigs? Do you even have the time or money? Currently I don't have a job, I'm looking into working in media or something creative, but secretly I just want freedom for a while... I think my time at my last job made me realise how much I actually hate the idea of a 9-5. I think it also made me realise that it's important to like the people you work with to enjoy your job. Do you have a job now? Do you like it? Do you like the people there? I am also 1 year into my first relationship with Jordan :) He makes me so happy and I laugh so much when I am with him. I feel like he is the only person in the world who really understands me at the moment. But I also have my doubts. I was told he was cheating, but the rumour came from his bitter ex who hates me so I don't know what to believe. It's all so confusing. I want to believe him, but I don't know if I do. Do you think I'm stupid for this? Are you still with Jordan? I also, crazily enough, told him that I love him! Which, was terrifying, but I'm so glad I grew the balls to say it to him instead of keeping it to myself. I hope in a years time I have grown the courage to say more of the thing I keep buried down, instead of bottling up my feelings. Are you braver now? Do you say what you mean? Also do you still love Jordan? I don't really have any close friends at the moment. I just went to Edinburgh to see the DMAs with Liv. She has always been flaky but I think I decided when I was in Edinburgh that she is not really my type of person anymore. I'm not sure how to describe it but we just don't click the way that we used to. That's a bit sad to think about someone you have known since literally the first day of primary school, but it's true. I keep praying that I will somehow be adopted into a big friend group that will make me feel as happy as my old one. I hate to admit it but I miss the fun times I had with them, and I secretly blame Liv for them falling out with me, even though they were an incredibly toxic group anyway. I'm also embarrassed that Jordan somehow has so many friends and people to talk to and I have nobody other than him. Do you have any friends now? Or anybody you can talk to? Lately I have been obsessing over Community the TV show, maybe it's just because the Rick and Morty guy made it, but I think it's genius! I have also painted so many lyric vinyls of my favourite songs, it's a tedious hobby, and it can stress me out when I can't get the letters to look right but I always feel so proud when I finally complete one :) What TV show are you watching right now? Do you still make the vinyls? Or are you creative in any way? Today, I have the worlds worst cough, and it doesn't help that I have been puffing geek bars for the past month. I know I used to say that vaping is cringe, and it still is, but they are seriously addictive. Also drugs (great segway) This is also cringe but I feel insecure that I don't do drugs. It's not that I am against them, I just have literally no idea how to get them. I know it's sad but I have a plan to steal a little bit from dads stash every now and then until I have enough to actually get high. Yes that is very sad. (Did you ever do it?) This is all because of that game of never have I ever at Livs party! I was the only one who had never smoked it before and I felt like such a loser! Even LIV had!!!! Do you do drugs now? Or even vape? Are you even a little bit cool? lol. I have been learning how to drive this year, even though it seems like my driving instructor has completely forgotten about me this month. I just hope that I can at least pass my test in February and then hopefully save up enough for a car!! Did you ever get your license? Did you ever get a car? Did you finally get to use your driving playlist to make you feel like you're in that one scene in Perks of Being a Wallflower? And I know it's a long shot but have you moved out? Hannah is about to be 24 and still hasn't moved out so I think I have until then til Sharon and Tony kick me out lol, but I'm so desperate to get out of here!! I love my family, I really do but I would love to have a place to have to myself. A place that's just for me. Speaking of family, how are they all? Hannah has been making an effort to hang out with me more recently which is amazing, although Grace has been so distant. I suppose that happens when you're 16 though. Mum has been very proactive in helping you find a job, which is sweet of her, but I wish she would chill out a bit. Especially when she goes into one of her interrogations and asks me 1000 questions in one sentence! And Dad, he's still always in a silly goofy mood, even though it can get on my nerves at times. I love them all. Have they changed much? Has Hannah finally moved in with Theo? Has Grace gotten over her teen angst? Has Sharon chilled out a bit? And Tony...well, he won't ever change will he? I also just read the other emails that people send to themselves and they are so much better than the ones I write for myself lol. This letter is mostly just my insecurities and hope that it all gets better. Has it gotten better? Are you happy? How much can things really change in a year? Thinking about the person I was at 18 is so weird because things changed so much. 18 year old me is almost a stranger to me now. The friends I had were lost. The boys I obsessed over have been forgotten. Life changed so drastically because of Covid. I didn't even go to uni even though I obsessed over the thought of it! 18 year old me was an insecure mess, and even though I still feel unsure about myself, I really feel like I have grown this past year and am finally finding myself again :) Do you feel like you again? Are you a new you? Is your 19 year old self a stranger to you now? How much have things changed in a year? I have so many questions for you. I have so much I want to tell you about, well, yourself. I just hope that you don't forget about the girl that you were on the 23rd of October 2021. She is so unsure about herself and her future, life could go in any direction at this point, but she has so much hope for you. (and she hopes we get absolutely wasted at the club tonight) Love from, Past Lauren x