A letter from Sep 2nd, 2021

Dear FutureMe, So it is almost 3 AM right now and I am smoking in my balcony and it makes me nauseous(the taste, the smell, everything) and you know I hate it but if I do it enough it gives me a little buzz and makes me forget I am hungry so there is that. Today is September 1 well it was 3 hours ago. I think following months will be very crucial for me, and I know I know I also felt the same way in February 1 of this year but I mean it more this time. I don't want to be in Turkey anymore. I have reached my limit. I need to be out by February 2022. Logic behind is really stupid but in my mind that is the date everything will be actually normal. Pandemic is almost over and there is a vaccine but people are still cautious, there are still masks and some restrictions but I think by next year it will all be gone. And if I am here when it happens I will feel like I have failed to get out. Like this 1.5-2 years of pandemic life was an intermission from my actual life and I was restricted (I really was) and there was an excuse for staying here but by the time it is over, there will be no excuses left. I am scared of settling down and getting comfortable although the latter is not possible. I get admitted to Padova you know? How funny was that. They just accepted me without a cover letter or anything.. I know I made the right decision by not going. I need money and I didn't know if I will be vaccinated by then and I just could't drop that bomb on my parents in the middle of a pandemic. I already know they are going to freak out about me going away, imagine how much more crazy that conversation would be if I told them I would be doing that while this stupid virus is running rampage. And to Italy.... the first and scariest hotspot of the virus.. In addition to that I knew that studying Literature in a university that accepted me without checking my credentials wouldn't bring me anywhere. 1 year of living and writing papers in Italy and spending money, worrying about money and graduate to do what? I cannot afford to think short-term. I need to find a good program that will both accept but also give me a fighting chance in Europe. Deadline for most applications to start the semester at February 2022 is October 1. Maybe that is why I am making such a big deal of today. Countdown has begun. So to speak. Clock is ticking. And I haven't checked (seriously checked at least) any of the programs. I am tired and I feel old. I am scared of the uncertainty. My job right now is very comfortable right now and I am VERY aware of that. I know how lucky I am. I also know I have serious attention problems, I make very stupid mistakes, get distracted easily and have trouble following guidelines. It is very easy for me to feel stupid and incompetent. So how am I going to survive in an actual work place in Europe? As someone who is a foreigner, and as someone who needs the salary to pay for rent and more importantly to stay in that country. It is one thing to lose your job in Turkey and go back to job searching from your parents house... another thing to lose your job abroad and have a risk of losing your visa and getting send back to Turkey with you tail between your legs. The though of it gives me shivers. I need to fix my attention problem for good and get some confidence maybe. If it all goes according to the plan I will be 28 by the time I get a job over there and that is sooo....horrifying. 28... is like proper adult. It feels like the age where I need to have a good paying job and a solid friend circle and an s/o? And I have so little time to do any of those. Can I even build a career by starting a new job at 28? Oh come on don't be stupid people do that all the time and 28 is still okay. I mean it is not 30 and people do that in that age as well and who knows maybe I will be in academia? Or do a similar job to what I am doing right now? I know 28 is not old or late,26 or 25 are not either but I feel like I have lost so much time to this pandemic and to ADHD/depression in the earlier years. I feel like I have so much to make up for which makes me feel stressed which makes me feel sad which makes me feel trapped which makes me want to lay down and watch the ceiling all day. I want my years back. I shouldn't spend time thinking about that it just makes me feel worse and starts the circle again. I will be 26 in 22 days. I remember the day I celebrated my birthday with Amber in Sushico in Sarıyer. How old was I back then? Isn't it funny that I cannot remember? 22? 23? OH MY GOD was it 21? Have I ever been 21? I think when you are that young you don even think twice about it. I am forcing my brain to remember but no idea. Amber was staying with us and it was right after my GSK internship no wait cant be because I only just became a mentor after GSK.. I think... God it is all a blur. Maybe I am worrying over nothing, maybe it will all be a blur someday. I want to make so many good memories that will make me forget about the bad ones, that will make bad ones blurry. Of course you have been 26 for a while now, how is it treating you? You know how imagine you? Sitting on the balcony. Again. And it is snowing just as much as it did this year. You see Sophie running around in the snow and your only worry about her is that if she will get cold or not. You either just came from outside and still feel the burning of the snow in your hands, your cheeks red and your face hurts but you are happy. OR you are just about to go out and cannot wait to hear the sound of snow crunching under your feet. And the silence. Oh that silence. The cold clean air brushing your face. Maybe you take Mia out again and maybe she pukes again. But you still feel like you should have tried at least. Maybe you will not do that this year though, I genuinely felt like she hated it last year so maybe better not try it again. You get coffee (not hot chocolate because you better be on a diet) and sit in front of your computer and try to decide which dorm you are going to stay in... You check the neighbourhoods on google maps with a smile on your face. You are already in few facebook groups and checking out the events and the people. Maybe you are little bit upset about some bureaucratic ******** and complain to Deniz about it but then you remember the days you were madly wishing to be upset about the bureaucracy of moving to another country and you smile more and maybe giggle a bit, hell even a huge laugh perhaps. Your plane ticket is set. Maybe you used your pass. Maybe it is even Business Class to recreate your journey to Amster***. Although lets be real, you are probably not going to Amster***. Unless you won the lottery somehow that is quite outside the realm of possibility. But you will visit anyway, right? And even that warms your heart. You open your phone and count the days again. Even though you just did that yesterday. You still have stuff to do and mum is probably nagging you about organizing your clothes and pick the ones to give to charity and you feel too tired and too relaxed to open your messy wardrobe. But you will do it anyway because you are happy, you are excited about something for the first time in a really long time, you got your medication so no executive functioning mumbo jumbo and you have also lost weight so you need new clothes anyway. You look at the falling snow and smile and feel okay. You feel okay. It is all gonna be okay. Right? Please tell me you are nodding away rather than crying hysterically. I want this to happen, alright? I.need.this.to.happen. But maybe it won't. It is not entirely on my hands but I also cannot in good conscience promise you that I will do my part. Somedays I feel so sad that I can barely move or think. I just want to disappear or scream or wait for the night so I can escape to my dreams. This sadness comes and goes in waves so I never know when it is going to happen but I am sorry that I cannot promise you the future I know you want to be in. Good luck honey. Of that soundes rough. I did not mean it like that. It is more like 'good luck hon,I hope you pull it through' You know we changed someone's life 2 weeks ago. His entire life saved, just like that, because of us. He will have a future that most people can only dream about. We pulled him out and pushed through all the obstacles. I need someone to do that for us, what we did for that kid. Of course he found us first and nailed his interviews so we cannot take credit for it all. But we pulled him up and put him in front. If karma is real I would like the same please. If there is anyone out there keeping score. Please. I am right here. We are right here. Anyways, I am gettin sleepy and me and our brother and mother will go to Yeşilköy tomorrow. Please remember that I love you always. I mean I am stuck with you my entire life but I would have loved you even if that wasn't the case. I would love to be your friend I think. You would be good for me. And that is the highest compliment I can give ahah. Take care, P.S: Can you wait for the weather to get warm and hop on a refugee boat or something? Just a thought.