A letter from Jun 28th, 2021

Dear Future Hannah, I've done some things recently that I'm not proud of and I honestly can't explain super well. My excuses are garbage. It's messing with my self worth and my view of myself. I don't know what's stopping these things from happening again. I didn't even want to do it. All I want to be is a good person. I want to have a positive influence on the people around me. I've noticed that doing these things clouds my judgement. I'll think things are okay but I don't realize the negative influence it has on me. That then transfers to the people around me. I've been struggling with religion. I consider myself a very logical person so I think "feelings" that most people have about religion don't come easily to me. I can view it from a logical standpoint but that's about it. I can logically see that having values based in a religion has had a positive influence on my decisions and thought processes. I don't know if I truly believe though. My favorite scripture has always been Alma 32:27. I interpret it as saying that no matter how small your faith is, it can grow from there. My faith has felt so small for so long. I just keep waiting for it to grow from what it is. I even keep trying to be consistent in scripture study and prayer and it still feels forced. It doesn't come natural. I don't know what to do. The only things I can think to do are either give up completely or try one last time. I also want to visit some other churches and see how I feel. Really, any religion is fine as long as I agree with how they do things and what they say. It's just about having that positive influence. One hard part of all of this is family. My immediate family is all LDS. My extended family seems to be LDS or no religion at all. The only ones in some kind of middle ground are Ben and Sarah. You can tell mom looks down on any relatives that aren't LDS. Some people in the church fall into the trap of believing that you can only be happy as a part of this church. Even one of my roommates acts like that. My parents set the bar really high for religion and I don't know if I believe I'll ever get close. It makes me feel like I'll be a disappointment in that category no matter which way I go. And no matter what way I go, mom will believe I'm not happy because I'm not up to a certain standard. I don't want to make a decision based on the opinions of others. This has to be something I figure out solely based on my feelings and beliefs. Hannah, I wish you could tell me what you did. I feel stuck in a strange religious limbo. I feel like I'm not being genuine with people about where I am spiritually. Please tell me you figure things out even just a tiny bit. Love, Past Hannah