A letter from Jun 18th, 2021

In two hours it will be four days until your life will change forever. In a way I guess, your life is always changing; albeit in slower, more gradual ways than the journey that is to come. I know you never anticipated doing this and I know that it's something you still can't quite comprehend but I fully believe that deep down you know that you can do it. You never start things unless you know you'll be able to finish them. You hesitate, yes. Like with the papers you've written or the internship you did. You hesitate and you ponder and you worry but in the end, you always finish what you set out to do. And I know, relationships are not so simple as putting your mind to something and achieving it, but I also believe that the same principle can be applied in this sense. You put your foot in the door to try something new; a relationship, you saw where it took you and now you're moving across the world to see it through. To learn, to grow and to love. In life, there will always be uncertainty. It's what makes the universe the universe. Nothing is for sure but the fact that it can only be possible if we try. I know you're hesitating right now. Not because of the relationship part but because of the uncertainty that comes with this journey. It's a shift of mindset. Of position in life. Of how you see yourself and how others see you. You've never travelled alone, never lived in someone else's house, never had been in a relationship before, never even held a real job. I know for you it's like one day you're just graduating high school and you're moving across the world to go be this different person. (I'll have you know that it's two days and not one) Maybe this person seems so alien to you right now because of your hesitation, or maybe you truly don't believe you could ever be this person. Whatever it is, you're scared. It's fine to be scared. It's fine to be uncomfortable. It's completely normal. People keep telling you it's normal and so it should be. At some point in your mind I know you question whether this was the right decision, but only the point at whether it was the right time and not the right thing. Growing up is a part of life. Change and growth are usual, part of the lifecycle. You keep saying "What if". Your mind keeps putting that statement in front of everything. Everything and I mean everything. I could go on listing what I'm talking about but you know, "What if" is your negative response to change. I guess everyone has one but it's in your nature to doubt. Doubt change, doubt positivity, doubt growth. I know you think you're a realist but reality check, your mind is actually pretty pessimistic. So I guess, regardless of where you are or what you're doing when you read this. I want to remind you of these thoughts. I know that unless you've taken some miracle pill (or actually started meditating/mindfulness) that whenever you read this you'll probably still say "What if" in the face of change. So, to remind you that things are as they are I want to remind you that whatever happens will happen. You have control over some situations and not others. You can work to make your reaction to these situations positive, or, in the face of your mind's pessimism, have negative reactions as well. And if you die- like the idea your mind seems to tend towards, then you die. You won't even know, and that's okay. So with that, in two days you will graduate high school and in four you will move to the UK for a year for the man you love. 18 is ******* crazy and I hope you savour every moment of it. Try to find the positive in the everyday. Learn from your mistakes, start that business, travel to that country and please for the love of god get over your fear of hiking. In the words of that song that's totally normie and overplayed, "I owned every second that this world could give, saw so many places the things that I did, and with every broken bone I swear I lived" ps I love you, past, present and future claire <3