A letter from March 26th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I think I might be developing some sort of mental illness. I don't know what to do. I am always tired and I sleep so much. I feel sad without a real reason and I get extremely angry over nothing. I get angry that I am sad. it doesn't make much sense and I am so overwhelmed by my own emotions and I don't know what to do or how to get out of this hole I have dug. I have no motivation for anything yet I get so angry that I have wasted another day of my life. I just want to throw something or hurt someone at the tiniest little thing. I really really can't handle how I feel. and I can't even root my feeling to a single issue. this letter isn't going to make any sense and in all fairness, it doesn't make sense in my head either. but I will try to explain it the best I can. I am upset because of the little things my mother does but I can't tell her because she always turns it onto me like I am the bad guy so I don't feel comfortable talking about my problems with her or anyone really which leads me to believe that its childhood trama. but at the same time, I can't pick out anything that I would directly count as childhood trauma. so maybe I am making it all up because I heard it on social media. I can't tell what's real. I can't tell if any of my problems or my emotions are real or if I am just making them up for attention. but how could i be making them up for attention when I don't tell anyone about them. none of it makes sense and I can't handle it all I really need to explain it to someone but i have no one to tell and I don't think I could even explain it if i had the chance. i could never tell my parents how i am feeling because my mother would disregard it and i just don't think i could face telling my father how horrible i feel because he really does want the best for me. so i cant get a therapist and i can't get medication and i can't tell any of my friends because i don't feel secure with any of my friends and i don't think any of them would understand. i really don't know what to do. my only coping mechanism is sleeping my feelings away but that just makes me drowsy th rest of the day and i just go numb. I really need help and i don't know where to find it or what to do and i don't even feel safe talking about it in my own head because my body just keeps screaming at me that i am making it up. but why would i make it up what do i gain, nothing. yet maybe i just want to relate to the people on social media. the way people will fake depression for sympathy. maybe i am faking it all for sympathy. so i can have a reason to feel sorry for myself. I am losing it.