A letter from December 6th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, i know things have been tough. things lately have been really bad, life doesn’t feel real anymore.. have they ever? i’m scared that i won’t survive tomorrow, or today.. i hope you’re still alive. i want to look in the mirror one day and think “i’ve become a good man, i’ve become myself finally.” have you become anything close to yourself? have you found out what you wanna do? have you graduated? cause school is tough right now, i don’t know if i can make myself do work... i will eventually but it’s hard right now. please tell me you’re okay, please tell me you made it... you don’t even have to be successful, just alive, just breathing, just able to say “i’m confident i’ll live tomorrow.” I got diagnosed with an ED sunday, it’s Dec 6. the next sunday, i’m afraid i’m going to lose more weight, i want to be at least 120 one day... i’m only 88.9 lbs right now, but it’s better than before. how’s mom and you? are you in a good spot with her? has she stopped calling you she finally? how’s jon? hopefully okay, i want him to get better. you and ace still friends? i hope so, i feel as though they are pulling away. i don’t want to be alone. how’s gab gab? i’m scared she’s gonna die soon... she’s been with me since i was 9, but i hope one day i can meet her in another life, i’ll be a better dad that time. ash, i’m sorry you have to go through what you have. i hope you can help yourself, i hope you can get out of this hole you’ve dug yourself, i hope you can breathe without feeling chained down and heavy and i hope you can get out of this town. oh and... medical issues? it’s really scary right now, pain randomly, toothaches, tummy aches, tiredness, etc... they said it was ED related but what if it’s not? i hope it is... please tell me it was or is if you’re still struggling. i love you, even if you can’t say it then, i love you for what you become and what i am now. i forgive you for hurting yourself and isolating yourself. god you’re probably scoffing at how long and sentimental you are right now, but health issues and lack of sleep can do that to a boy. bye dude, i hope you have a good day and have good health. see ya in the mirror :) P.S. happy late 18th birthday bro! i hope you aren’t feeling too old now!