A letter from December 5th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I hope you are doing better. Today is December 5, 2020. There are going to be a lot of grammatical errors in here, so hold on tight. Also, I'm writing whatever comes to my head so this is probably not gonna make sense I've written two letters but they won't be here anytime soon so I decided to write another one for a month ahead. I've been depressed. Like really really depressed. I feel like the only reason I'm still alive is because I haven't written the perfect suicide not yet. Or because I'm a coward. Or because I'm not sure of what lays ahead and I'm scared to take that risk. Life has been so sad. Each day I wake up and question the purpose of life. I know God put us on earth fora purpose and I don't want to seem blasphemous or ungrateful but why am I really here? I didn't ask to be here. Each day it's sadness upon sadness. The most annoying part of it all is everyone thinks I'm doing okay. Just because I'm in a foreign country doesn't mean I'm okay. Sometimes I feel like I was destined to be sad. It's just so unfair. I try to love myself each day and .... I just can't. I don't feel pretty and I feel as though no one will ever appreciate me. It's funny how I used to be mad at people for committing suicide and I always used to yell "If you can exchange your life for my brother's then go ahead and **** yourself" Now I understand how they felt... at least I think I do. I just want to end it all. But that'll break my parents.. I'm not worried about my sisters... I'm sure they'll be okay. This year has been very peaceful.. but also very sad. I barely have any friends left because I cut them off... that's why it's peaceful I feel like I'm existing, not living. You know, I feel like I'm never gonna have that "perfect future". I'm never gonna fall in love and have kids. I don't think anyone is ever gonna look at me and think "she's special" I barely have lived life. The only fun thing I've done this year is go to a basketball game. I've been holed up inside ever since. I can't even go out because the world is a scary place Serial *******, traffickers, racists, rapists... are all over the place. I can't breathe outside without worrying about my safety I also learned that I have attachment issues Anytime I get close to a person, I always pull back I do it unconsciously I know I'm scared of being vulnerable I started talking to this guy some months back and I fell too quickly and I pulled back. I was scared. I'm scared of vulnerability He seemed .. perfect. Trust me, he has his flaws... a lot of them. But he seemed perfect for me. I was okay with being myself around him. I didn't have to pretend around him. But I messed it up. All because I was scared. I tried texting him a couple of times and he seemed nice.. too nice. Like he was trying to be polite. I know I messed it up. I still haven't told him I like him. I've spoken to him just three times in the past five months. I wish he could just read my mind. I'm too proud to tell him how I feel. Well.. it's not exactly pride.. I'm just scared. Scared of rejection. Thanks to experience I think it's funny that I'm saying this. It's funny because I'm a preacher of "independence". I always say "you don't need anybody" I know deep down that's a lie We are humans and we all need someone. I know five years down the line, he's going to be just a memory And I'll find someone else I know this because he's not the first "perfect one" And he'll probably not be the last ... because I'll always mess up again and again I just wish he'd text me you know :( Anyway.. I'm tired of typing I'm pretty sure I typed a bunch of meaningless words I hope you're doing better as you read this. I hope life makes a little more sense and if it doesn't, I want you to hold on tight It's gonna get better. I don't know that but I hope it will I love you. No one ever tells you this but I love you.