A letter from November 2nd, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, I graduated 3 months ago. do you remember this feeling (me being here now)? it is so uncomfortable because I feel so naked and vulnerable. Life is a reflection of your actions and I am taking little. now! I don't want to start negative. I bet you remember too that we made it in 2020! after all the heartache we made it! and now dad sees us from heaven even if it is hard to believe sometimes. we made amazing friends and honestly, I miss it already. By the time you hear this, you will have become almost 24. this is scary! Are you scared that in one year the optimal age for neuroplasticity ends ou are you finally free from these deadly negative thoughts? For now, this is what I want to tell you about (maybe even vent a bit), I can't seem to be able to move forward in life. I keep relapsing into old bad habits like the negative thinking I mentioned above. Was I able (we) to get past this? Did we make any lasting changes? I can't wait to find out. Even in the darkest days now, it is uncommon that I would think of suicide. That is a big sign of improvement. And after deep-diving I realized that what I want to work on next is: conscientiousness, positive emotion, and accomplishment. Mastering these things is really hard! I write you this after having sat down for a deep self-reflection session on my negative thinking: the self-flagellation. In fact, not sending out job applications, bingeing youtube (l7amdekka not as much as before), not replying to friends (also improved) along with self-flagellation are bad habits nourishing each other and letting me die, letting me suffer. And even though it is hard, I vow to keep making the right choices. The thing is, it is getting harder to see that I can change but I know that these are just negative thoughts that will just pass. I heard today about the power of stitching to better thoughts and how that is actually as significant as taking new action so long as that thought leads to the action. this was said by the neuroscientist DR. Andrew Huberman. I do aspire to do what he does, I always wanted to have a deep understanding of the brain. but am I applying this desire? no. if there is one answer I want to know the answer to it is this: why am I not doing what I know that I want to do, what I am supposed to do? the answers I have now are scary : - you are not disciplined enough - you don't actually want it - you are gonna have to compromise on your dreams because you are a loser. I am aware of these thoughts and I know they are not true. It is proven that I can change! I will do better! I am a winner, I just have to fix my wiring. GIRL, DID YOU FIX YOUR WIRING? Ps: how is your relationship with Caren? Hope we are close again. Keep trying.

Epilogue

7 months later

hello dear past self,
I understand your pain. Today is better, even if not by much but 1% better every day/month/year. is much better than nothing.
I an not actually...

Hvea od htna snfierufg i less fi uyo say. Ohtb nhta hlutafnylk kwno ginefrsuf rae lsse i otu we 0251 ttah in 'flsse. Wlil give as a kepe oyu os it nmid ni ytwhaap adofwrr tath. Ouy will it htat hclegnlae oyu aer lizraee niap resolyuf tno uyo help push nad ot oyur. Ptar yuo rfo a of is uoy big reus all ti fo ton but. We ew mreo tsfijuy be replioyibsisnt ekpe the nad cna elif vimnog nnmelfauig tignka geffrnsui shtu kmae as. .
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Dlbiu fi a oogd i fro iefl dna fmesly myflai my acn.
Ealh i can or noe lhep dcilh oen ofrm idavo a autar/m fi. .
Mslal if on a i nca arteh eahnve reacet ni my meho.
Ylfmai nca i if vlgoin bduil my aunstesblai nwo. .
To dog i anc if orcsel get.
Is idnf me made cna rugcaeo i wrok no ti that dna aevh fi bmaker hte to orf ieumfgnnal. .
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Hten. . Hte focus serufgnif on hwy.
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A i yuo wt'no ile to tslil pina, is trnciropaaonits. Y ohpagacrnip i am 25. My odse oeloclrntd ta a t)i be fo alog ehnw dna elin taht scrso haev omfr (or altse reef i ot veoincdaa is o. A onso rgitatns ma fesitns eyrv i sola eyrjoun. Yunjroe a asredtt i ayrdael tiuotrnni aevh. To a ago rescol ttha defnisr ma few mhotns i ym. Reoisnv dan a froesf opts i gnlnecaighl fo lltcileytalnue dna ni rebtet not ma edadingnm flesmy i trtniainspocgra si eenv me waht vleo a si wya tuo fo it fi oemebc job ahtt of a it to em v,poyert so. .
Nstgtiar ilslt and mslefy i ehac of reyv olgyscpohy het onos it pssoerc rof inetdgcua no fro plan. .
Teh ogtmhesin mmt,oen ma dna of sliuggrtgn tiiiiyatlbrr itgusds i tsae ne:w ta tiwh mofr obnaeln hte. Grtmianoimi clgenaehl nwe so si a. .
Nlrea an erettb i,s enho htis iuoopnrtpyt eb ot aiufnlp si my raachetrc sa ti ot sa adn. Ont lliw ti eamk i if siyplm sbuecae i ,n'dto. .
Si ew steps utb kigtna ton syea it rea. .
Drah glusegrt iyhgtnna eallyr fsylem eedirss yrhlsha i nwo gnido teg yver hwti i ssnule be bseuaec to rae ym eesenkdw rcprilutylaa hte tanc. That i utrufe a ma i levi no ni ngwrkio eecixtd am ot. Em tihbas to(n ofr csoimaplch adn hweer a ti to losag si es)eair uterfu sebslopi sasynleecir. .
Log now epiekgn rfo hibat ma i a. .
Peags schclaopmdei ntherao 60 dna aigdner 020 of ihnsiifgn rmof paesg dna i one okob ahroent. Rantiinagozo hemt hatibs nasd fo bad aecghn ym rytgni rome i ot am aeawr. .
On aer if ebtetr stghni atth alecp, a i darsowt nvmgio bad see sayd enev ollysw ctan'. .
Bad os ewhn are see ouy u ngkaim ekpe on!igg ehcoci a. Xent it fro nad you mero rhvtewea ot acnhge nac fo ekat otps teh dna iemt ryt yuo ecoihc ekat ot os lbieesaccs hatt girht is ysea toen. .
Oetrh aer wysa u/esvobtuoiemy emopblr ipscmaes sltli of dna a. Kowr if kile it anleyleutv you lferham-s no hyte edafd eafd wlli aayw adn ustj aiulcsdi isdae. Nda go to ehyt awya fetofr koto miet. It ew mtei and rbm?emree wno, okto tuboa ouy o'dtn od who uhcm acre. Het die we atth tanw in cfta anormey to cjeroei dn'ot ew. Enhppa ot os tbhasi aclnahl illw dba htoer asem eth. .

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