A letter from August 4th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Hi me! So you're getting your A-level results today. I hope you have gotten what you need to go to the uni you want. If not just remember that it isn't the end of the world, life doesn't end just because you got a C instead of an A. I'm getting my GCSE results in 16 days. Due to corona its all predicted and everything and im a tiny bit worried because my school doesn't have the best track record with exam results, but if i don't do as well as i hoped it'll be alright. I was supposed to go on holiday with my friends but i can't go anymore because of covid restrictions, so all my friends are going without me. Which sucks because i know i it's something they'll talk about all the time and i will just have to sit their in silence. But i guess it's nothing new. Do you still want to be a paramedic, and are you still wanting to do a degree in paramedic science? Did you do all the volunteering and stuff that i needed for that? Are you still friends with everyone? Did you finally get rid of L or is she still being annoying and completely unaware of how much hurt and distress she's caused you. I hope she's no longer in your life and if she is that she no longer has such a important part in it because you deserve to be able to just exist without feeling judged or criticised, or to open your mouth to talk and not be interrupted before you can finish the sentence. How's A? What's she going to do with her life, has she written her book yet and published it or is she doing a degree is English or psychology? She's my best friend and it would royally suck if we were no longer friends. So before you most likely leave for uni talk to her. She has always been there for you before. You're almost 19, im obviously turning 17 in a bit too. Which is strange because when i was younger i always looked at people who were 17 and they seemed like they had their whole lives together but now im realising that no one really has everything together we are all more or less pretending to know what the hell is going on. Which also freaks me out because all these systems we live in and use if everyone just agreed to stop using them and that they had no value of purpose then it would all just fall apart. I am going stop talking about this now. Do you have any new friends? Have you spoken to J i know i haven't talked to her since i was 11. Who knows she could've turned into a massive ***** in 5 years but well you would know that. Can you drive? i want to learn to drive, but did you pass your test first time? Also do you still get that swooshy feeling when you stand up and everything goes white or have you actually gone to the doctors about that. I think we have an iron deficiency either that or we're probably dying. Has anyone died? I hope not grief makes me not be able to distinguish between reality and dreams, or more like the feeling of everything is floating and not quite real but real at the same time. I hope you are living your best life. You can do anything you put your mind to. Also never vote tory or else i will be extremely pissed off at you. bye.

Epilogue

3 days later

Hello me from the past!

Firstly i did not get my A-level results on the 13th that is currently in 3 days and i am terrified and i will cry...

I do i egt wtan tno waht if. N,ylcsedo maignaz royu eewr gsec esulrst. Hysgtlli in tretbe erwe ew osem uldco heav and pssceat rboedb eterrfheo enod. . . Amrtte utb rllaey 'stoden it y,es.
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Ot swa het dgoo hwo yrplteanap ton driaccong etwn setho yiahdol on it. Aawrdkw nsete ryve dan. Of ohw ni het excetped ubt ropgu sieondgrnci swa htta be ,wtne to people ttcrsepeor.
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Cdiaarmpe to monraye ton tawn a eb i do. A it iknth atrge tond' eb woldu eplsepo opnsri,feos nkith fis,dlu eb ym to htamc gater i uhhgot owdul sveoiarn ti i eigvn a ilybdo. Steag be hihcw tath meso tesssr teh waebdrokn latenm ikdn fo nad umtsnao ta esom iitvavrdee lgera of dulow of. Chum of si't etmi, aws an eon cbb rebtet so agihntwc i deismrpaca piodees at teh rof oot lbabypor enma.
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Otn htwi sndifre nrymeao erenyvoe 'im. E ot g tlak i adn lslit. In won m ot si sure tcaf idn'td layrle ihcwh ecpetx i'm inmsegoht mi' oelsc ew. Ew ddi l dfnrise ngbei tiwh pots and. Hes tuer a'wstn 'tis ahehlyt or idfpeirnhs tosm stbe the. No of nopser ot heetr ikthn cuiseitisren rea fidner ym lto im' ti in hyte etiuq hleow htta i dirwe aionetrgid a deu edpe atfc adn pguor outdre, wirngok utb. She to mdea rposen d'ton ielv reh u,tb be was dhea i uro ni hte osprcretet ntikh ew uot ni. Dki ulcre was sotm ubt hes a at eilshsf atrciyeln aws ehs dna miset. So utb hes htsi and wree a thta wsa oyu alos kyoa now uyo dligean ewer kame twhi reh oe'ntsd cdhli ti. Ni thta's hightnids lla ubt. Noce esh swa a eev'w twah nese was ien,c ot to artyp her ehs's onw ti pu see nad cesin at tngresnteii. Okay htta adn lesiv ahts't ehncadg ot wkno hbot hvea uor. Uoy hntik ryalle oamyrne taoub hre dotn'.
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A story now a tfrienfde is. Ew a yaer lerong natv'eh ni ksa,pe mlotsa on. Dan glad 'mi. Wlhie rgiiwnt acn fo teh naioilgr have tterbe aym way at time nto tgaeurnae i tlef it ts'i you it rof lteret het is nda atht ym. T'indd idn'td angehc a anwt het is ehs ot to urtht dan awtn ogwr. Pats, ni hes nad csktu to twdaen of the nteaigve awy ysta ancotnst hitnikng lnigiv in a. Pleh, wnta ehs gte you lleayr nddit' as sa ot dan 'tdonlcu tge ot you cmhu rtbtee aenwdt lhep ro esuabce hre. Nsemooe uyo st'doen it tawn t'cna woh hlep. Rrywgino tesss,r os thta oyru fi tflau uernd igtupnt that all rof haepdenp it nmay lueyfsro be esrya wuold os mihsnegto. Atht askte toll ist. Hes wetenr' ttha iemts oyu amny mtater a you eubeasc to uoy on( ipymls erya hlep ldo hwo ignytr ) 15 cldela eewr a rsapitthe. Ogt tknhi hpatmye ytelevluan i eht sjut we ran e,idtr out. Rlobireh ttah ot i'ts dsonsu but ysa reut. Eifl at iagrenh pntoi oificrrh selep og lceuostns fo tjus trafe to oeritss oomese'sn 2am htnisg nwta at oyu osem to. .
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Reeht saw yaw nto earyll fro of atth het it saw tno teh su, reew erh we tturh a ofr. Eusecx lrseyuof ilnnnduocotai geiv eon poesspud be otncan istn' to ot be i tusj poespdsu loev dan sdied, yuo eus to oyru tub is meth sue snmpsaoico ot etatmris that an yuo eoeomns dna konw sa dinprifseh aawy. Evedserd ertebt i. Teh aubto elfmys edeiwv ,eleppo teh dcaetdnis how i rmoe a i ppeleo so ldneaer nad erettb unodf i eomr. Aesyr who i lsdikedi adh regnlleay ohw sngruurdnio osmeoen nbee fro fmseyl was tiwh. Nto usnsod eilkd and eihwl yb it a is eth of ehetr si boviu,os oiarytmj ylulasu rneaos fi eoonmes eoplpe. Ot 6 of tsay dhpfiinrse to ysaer soarne a be ahve tne'osd. Dhngaec vei' nwe so aehv i adn dna sfrndei ngrow. Ym riesfnd nac leorgn cayblsila eb eepr i hetrom xpcetdee eb 'mi on to tirhe. Sgrdetglu relisea alyaws e,omr ltakde a reom now adh wylsaa ywh i ot idernsf adn uatbo igan tbu itwnagn. Awtn's reh swa ti it ehtm. Ndluaaemflnyt not ihtw hteer erh ot a eikl bctih tltoa si nrowg suond tbu mnthgoise. ,lphe btu alautc hse odse elph ndee and. I tonanc esh i ont clduo xif erh cmuh em owh eescabu ughttho etmrat ont.
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I od'nt erh i isms tihnk reh aubto utb do. Tbu ruo i hucm i ertreg treho iynsslareec ffo tdon' wish lmsfey os diepnfihrs form htus n'hadt i epelpo. Ernidk in i tfel iraldese and wya erahspp ntha had eatrhr a sonreo dasppiiegnra i wish. I elgnro epndasp sipylm iotpn it do oenmyra ehr, no i ot dulco btu eht hteetr ntdas dnu'tclo adh fetl teh heerw nudoar be i dan.
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Lsaomt 19 vigmno o,n utb am i. Athw 'im ubt ucel i llsti onkw eahv i on cayrz idong. Im' drfeoc ghaivn a igthr erya won gpa. Naelgirpyp to ervy sith to ubt ttasr 2023 i lhosdu s'it year iun trsyo in lgon be a. Fheoyplul fro aenhcg usnles my ainag rht,isyo i mdin. Niamrttop em i ti owkn to tasp onkw orf avhe knith td'no htigr ldouw wno to lla tbu uyo be it htta. Hltgsi agchne meeacrb a)syd of ppeanh etindsa nda did lnesuuyqbest orf it avnghi (hhciw sa dtnolemw peanldn 2 a retjencgi ttha i'm is hwne nrgyit t'ond hsiegmnot to tath og lyeplmeoct hisgtn.
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Aehv i orme i 2 reyas hatn adelfi psat in kthin teh reofeb ahve i. Cdonrpunoe nshtig rmoe eht teh or lcsea enbe ybmae si't 'vei of laerg ude eth ta iaknd alifed. Evha tfac ftsri asw guaust ddi ni not drvein tste ym esnci dfaeli otn i 2201) on (ym i in psas eit,m gidnvri an so stte. T(ohugh tsi so eddeg etg tnwa to dream rescou wno nruiistyve i alfied do ttah onit a dbeuol n'dot my i ods)rw to. Kiel the felt at tohacsm a ot eitm eht ehets ohbt snigth tub olbw. Ohbt erwe taht leleningetic to sett ym dna a yhet ailbiyt. Lfet i uckst dna ptidsu. Ysa ,tub a'stht lal od lhaes i eitm iknht uert yeht udwnso dan. The tgshni tteerb fro rwee eesht bpyloarb hbot. Be ofr i'snt to atht looc fof beaesuc het me dlwuo tbu ti tsju eb to i amne ltbae i ervdi faldei bael. Ndeo dlseirea hda i woh enbe eecejrtd i hda i ohcolypsgy aveh vaeh nto i reibeaslm odtlu'wn wlodu bnee. Iktnh i eb cedknko ndeede owdn i ot. Pset ucsh drcea to thiuowt fial hwat hatt outba btu to dah ro kcba atth ahnvig ckbosnckka dha elayrl i d'ultnoc i orjma 'tis idt'nd not i ees danwte eralyl ktihn i htnda' eakt. Gnsthi i won hbto etseh t'dno ucesbea aecr erllya batuo.
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Hstngi oot edon minzaga tpytre tbu oesm eiv'. Ym orf riifnelgdr aysd i ylait ewnt ot 8 whit. Gainazm ebtuuilfa so saw and ti. To alevtr twna and i. Ofr okrw 3 pag non arltve teh rof aelno ,year att'sh anaig myeba tspo so ni dna stmno,h 7 ofr teh ehtn ustaug panl. Do want to ees lowrd eht utb i. In otnmem levi sjut eth and efer eb. I raelly eht ah'stt ginehsmot apts ni e'thnav eond. Ive' or atrneoh eno wlsyaa nigth up oot ni chuagt bene. Go aelon nda own i iwht u,to tub fnersid. Korw i. Rkn,id raycs ont arynome 'satht adn os i. The be rcintae ruefes eplepo i esrpno i to roaund a udse i fdeirsn cesbaue swa hda to thwi. Orf ryaonem ,toergasuou ton but nkdir uodwl be em to. Si't tif rteeh ykao is bsaceeu i to acn onit udmlo ahwt i no od obx or anwt dna. Oyak tscerdeuivt nda anc be 'thtsa itb yesms i a utb efsl. Nebe vi'e am hwo i gnfiirug eanol uot. Ealst ro at nygrit. My two vei' amsex vvrdsuie eodn ym rseay all sel-lvea rvee and ftsir. 'ive nda fo sotm nbee loeiscba pyhap eht time. Msciu i i'ev bene slaecp nwe sitvi rneev nda ot nliste. H'stat and dgoo. Ushc hgencda abd 'satth nad ithgn a ont 'vei.
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Iedd on sele hsa one. Dna nra'et on eigrf whit godo we. I erom ewn ehva redsfin esy. No lakt to td'nid j i. I e'athnv btuao my oeng irno the nfiiceecdy codtro ot. Troy a nto m'i. Ohur elfi treeh my kowr ew but lilw otn etbs bemya tge 40 eeswk os i dna.
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Hntak sapt you an htsi was em ,einereepcx.

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