A letter from July 20th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, It’s day 125 of quarantine, just wanted to check in with you and let you know what’s been going on in case you forgot. It’s bad, really bad. You haven’t felt happy in a LONG time and it feels like you never will again, it feels like the world is just passing you by and there’s nothing you can do about it. You’re not motivated to do anything except sleep because it makes time go quicker. You haven’t played the trumpet in about 2 weeks, it hurts too much, it reminds you of what you’re missing. It’s frustrating to watch yourself regress in the thing you love most because of your mental state, you love to play but never feel motivated to do so. It’s the same with everything; rowing, singing, writing, reading. Nothing makes you happy like it used to. It’s been especially bad these last few weeks, you resorted to self harm again after months of being clean but it felt like the only option. I hope you get through this in the future. You also hate your body right now. You have put on weight in quarantine and feel awful about it because you consistently see these girls flexing on tik tok and instagram doing their chloe ting workouts and you’ve yet to do anything to change your body. You bought a rowing machine but you’ve only used it about 3 or 4 times so far (see my previous comments for why). You start the day promising yourself that you’re not going to eat until dinner, then cave and have lunch. Once you cave, it’s a downhill spiral and you think “oh well, I’ll start tomorrow and have today off”. You have plans for your eating habits in September but knowing your self control, you probably won’t stick to it. You tried intermittent fasting, you should probably keep that up but it’s hard to not eat past 8pm. I just hope you found a healthy way to lose weight and few confident in yourself because you’re currently sat in bed in the same hoodie you’ve worn for about a week in order to hide your cuts in a pool of your own self hatred. Yikes. I really hope it gets better. As dark as that last paragraph seemed, there are some positives. You had your first kiss! Granted, it’s not with who you wanted it to be with but hey, it happened. Your situation with Nathan is still pretty sticky, after meeting up with him once you planned to meet again but you chickened out and told him you couldn’t and pretty much since then you’ve been ghosting him - it’s been almost 4 weeks I think since he messaged you. You feel terrible about doing that to him but at the same time you can’t bring yourself to reply and have that awkward conversation of “I’m sorry if I lead you on but I don’t want this anymore” after essentially telling him you wanted to have a ‘summer fling’ with him. Yikes. Another thing, in 10 days you should be going down to Deal to see Clara for the first time since March (I would say since you left school but we both know that’s not true) and you’ll hopefully be going back to school on the 5th September to reunite with your friends (I really hope that happens because I miss them so much and returning to school is about the only positive thing to look forward to). Speaking of returning to school, by the time you read this you will have finished compulsory education. How does it feel? You’re 18, do you have a tattoo yet? Where are you going for university? How much has changed in a year? At this moment in time you are both excited and worried for applying to university. You got your Indicative Predicted Grades and cried, they were not at all what you wanted. In case you forgot, here they are: Maths- A English - A/B Physics - M2/M3, translation: AAB. Of course, you were crushed because Oxford required A*AA so you’re going to retake your exams in September (hopefully) and try to boost your grades. Your plan for summer is to study for pretty much the whole of August and get all of your work done so that September will be a fresh start academically. I really hope you got into Oxford because that’s been a dream of ours since we were about 7 years old, I really hope you get out of this slump and put the work in to get there. I hope you are currently thriving on your post a level holiday, feeling secure in your future and happy about where you’re going. I also hope all of your friends are happy. Did Hannah get into Oxford? I bet she did, she deserves it. And now, the paragraph you’ve been waiting for. *drumroll please* topic: Frank Coughlan. You miss him a lot. A LOT. You’ve been manifesting a text from him and hoping that he feels the same, it’s still all so unknown right now. You have a sort of gut feeling about him but you’re also unsure whether it’s actually a gut feeling or just wishful thinking. You’re clinging onto the idea that you’ll accidentally run into him or he’ll come to Shrewsbury and you can see him again, I really hope something of the sort happens because you kind of need it. He currently has a man bun which, while the idea sounds laughable, really suits him. You’re hoping that he’ll come back to shrews at some point, perhaps for the 2020 leavers’ ball or to conduct the orchestra. Because right now, you don’t know if you’ll ever see him again. Did he come back? Did you see him again? Are you two friends, more than friends or distant memories? You’re slowly coming to terms with the fact that he may be your first love, and you were never even with him. **** that’s sad. It’s kind of pathetic but you can’t help your feelings, I just hope you’ve gotten some sort of closure by now. Regarding Covid-19, the world currently has no ******* clue what’s going to happen or even what’s happening now. Was there a second wave? Has a vaccination been found? Have things returned to normal or are they still restricted? God I hope things are better than they are right now. It still hasn’t properly hit you that you’re experiencing a crucial part is history that will impact the world for centuries after it is over - you’ve become accustomed to staying at home so much that it has become the new normal, so nothing feels “wrong” about quarantine anymore. It’s weird. You’re worried about a lot right now, what does this mean for the future of the arts? What does this mean for your future? Will you be going to university as normal? Are you going to have a normal freshers week? (That’s something that people are missing out on this year so I hope you don’t miss out either). I also want to know, were university applications more competitive because of students deferring? Also, did you actually sit a levels or have they been cancelled again? I know exams are **** but I kind of hope that you got to sit them because I do not envy this years upper sixth who never took them. I think that’s enough for now, above all I just hope you’re happy. I hope you’re sitting reading this in a better mindset then you’re in right now, maybe with friends, family or even a boyfriend (probably not but a girl can dream). 2020 has been one of the worst years of your life thus far. There have been some amazing highs but also you have also experienced the lowest lows this year. I leave you now with one final question: do you juul? (haha sorry I had to) Lots of love from your former self, Past Kira x