A letter from June 13th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I don’t know how you’ll perceive this last year. These last couple months in lockdown. Whether that be happy or unbelievably miserable. I assume the latter being as I’ve been crying for most of it. And despite these ups and downs of being incredibly motivated and then not willing to get out of bed, I’ve been slowly feeling better. Not in the state of the world (which is atrocious btw), or myself in some aspects. But more about life. Staying off social media for the most part is a god send, it’s really helping me not care about anyone else but myself and what they think (in a non selfish way ofc, I’m still me). I don’t know what will happen to uncle Anthony by the time you receive this. I pray for the best, obviously. I hope he’s still around. I don’t know what will happen to the state of the world. Or what will happen in your 2nd year of uni. Will you have a second year of uni? It’s a mystery to me. But it won’t be to you. In my first ever letter that I wrote on here (that you will get on your 21st), I wrote it was a turning point and that I’ll strive to do anything to make a beautiful life for future us. Which is true. I am still trying and pursuing that (and I hope you are too). But I was wrong to think that that will happen as a given just because I was suddenly motivated (which I might not have written it, but let’s be honest we both know I was thinking it). Just because I had the motivation to get my life together in that instant doesn’t mean I will have continued every second of every day. It was a fantasy that’s never going to happen. I will try and make myself better and give us a better life for the future, one without so many cares or worries about other people’s opinions, and lives in the moment. But the thought of it happening without any down falls whatsoever is ludicrous. It’s laughable if I’m honest. Of course we’re both going to have bad days, it’s us of course. But nothing comes without a little down pour of rain. In saying this I’m coming to a little “em-piphany” of my own.. it’s okay to feel a bit lost and upset about the state of the world. The thing about it is you can’t let it dictate your day, your week and life. I will strive to be better, for you, us, but being better means acknowledging the fact that yes I can overreact, and I can be too passionate about things (which isn’t necessarily always a bad thing) and I can get so upset that I don’t want to leave my room ever. But to dwell on that and keep it that way is not benefitting anyone. It’s not benefitting us, or anyone around us. The longer you hold something, the heavier it gets, and then there won’t be a solution to a problem that could’ve been solved. Have a cry. That’s okay. It’s okay to have a day where you DO stay in your room and do nothing. To repress and ignore feelings just isn’t healthy. But also to keep bringing them out to feel something isn’t healthy either. There has to be a balance between our emotions E, there has to be. It’s okay to cry in the morning and then have a brilliant day and laugh so much your stomach hurts in the afternoon. Just because you were upset doesn’t mean that you have to be upset all day, to prove that you got hurt by whatever hurt you. Your feelings are valid, but you just don’t need to carry them everywhere you go. We’ve got to start valuing our own opinion over everyone else’s, and start caring about what we think about ourselves rather than whatever anyone else thinks about us. That starts with me, I know that. It will take time, but I will start that process. I don’t know how to end this, but keep putting your happy moments in your phone, and live in the moment. I love you, so much, even if I don’t fully believe that yet. Love from me xxxxx