A letter from June 4th, 2020

Hey there! I'm pretty sure you don't expect receiving this letter and right now you are wondering: what the hell is this?? Okay I know you are shocked and you don't even know who I am... But I feel that I have to tell you this. Way too much time has passed and I still am not brave enough to tell you this face by face (and when you receive this letter even mORE time will have passed). Anyways, I think I have some explaining to do... Everything started in 2017. We were in Paris, yes, that trip from school. I had just gotten out of a really shitty fling with this guy and I really didn't want anything to do with love anymore... but I remember having a conversation with my friends, talking about how there were hot guys at our grade too. So guess what, my friends developed crushes on other people at our grade and I still was unable to catch feelings for anyone... and then... I saw you. We had known each other since we were 7, but suddenly it was like we had never seen each other and I was meeting you for the first time. I opened my eyes and there you were... Suddenly you were the only thing I could think of, I could not stop thinking about you for a second. And the worst thing is that I didn't even have the courage to star a conversation with you. I came back home from that trip feeling like shit because I had friends who had been able to spend a great time with you and there I was, being a complete moron who is not able to look at her crush for more than 3 seconds without looking away. I thought this was going to be a random brief crush and I would get over it really fast but... somehow here I am, 3 years later writing this letter to you. Anyways, let me continue with the story, because you won't even be able to tell who the hell am I if I stop talking here. I spent the next year silently admiring you whenever we crossed paths in the school halls... but I felt incomplete, I felt empty, I felt like a coward and a failure without being able to even say "hi" to you, when all of my friends were perfectly talking to you or even hugging you! And there I was... doing... nothing... ugh Probably you noticed me at some point but you thought I wasn't worth looking more than 4 seconds because it was pretty clear you weren't thinking of me... I was having to deal with all these rumors of you macking all these other girls... it was really killing me... but who was I to speak out and tell you that those girls weren't right for you? Literally a nobody. Let's skip to January 2019... I was hanging out with my friends when I saw something life-changing. Suddenly one of my friends came running to me and showed me her phone... You had posted a story where you were asking if someone wanted to sing or play some instruments in the Open Day at our school with you and your friends. I was terrified. Everything I had ALWAYS wanted, had come to me as a miracle (I've always wanted to be in a band, just so you know). But this time, I swallowed my fear and I decided to reply to your story and I said: "I'm in!". Well, let me tell you that was the best decision I ever made in my whole entire life. Soon we were hanging out every weekend to rehearse, I was having lots and lots of fun with you and your friends. I was doing everything I ever wanted, with the person I loved the most. Literally a dream come true. I had never sang in front of literally anyone... but I had the courage to step up and do it in front of you... That's what I call progress... oh man... the things a girl does for love. Then, the day of the show arrived... and we did sO GREAT I was completely astonished. I don't know what the fuck it did I do or how I did it... but mAN I'm sorry to tell you but we were gLOWING dUUUDE. That day we finally hugged... and let me tell you it was one of the best hugs I've ever received. I was so thankful and happy... my best fantasy came true. People were talking about our show after that for AGES. We really were THAT great. After that, we got to our school trip to Mallorca. And I was eager to tell you what I felt on that trip, I was decided and I was totally going to do it. But... you really were giving me mixed signals and I didn't really know what to do. I mean... We didn't stop looking at each other in parties but we sure weren't going to do anything about it... so why should I go and embarrass myself by confessing all my feelings for you? It just sounded dumb considering that I was going to end our friendship (?) When we returned home I was completely broken. I knew that was going to be the last time I saw you ever again. I knew that if I didn't do something then, everything was going to end. And I couldn't stop crying. I remember that last time we looked at each other in the airport. You didn't even know what was going through my head. I was desperately sad because I knew I was going to lose the person I loved the most. I spent months crying and trying to get over you. I met lots of new people at uni. But you were clearly better than every single one of them. I just couldn't stop comparing them to you... and there's only one "you" so you always won the comparison. I was (and I still am) terrified that I wouldn´t find anyone that made me feel like you did. And then I got to see you again... and that's where I started thinking about how I was never going to get over you if I just saw you again and again. I mean... I can't even get over you when I DON'T SEE YOU... so... yeah... it was pretty hard for me. I know you've never known love. I know you don't even know what's it like to be in love with someone. But let me tell you. Nothing even matters if that person is not there with you. You miss that person all the time. You just want to go to shitty school or sacrifice every thing you like just to see that person happy. All that matters is that person. And that is what happened to me with you. All that mattered was you... Now I'm not expecting you to reply to this or even reach out to talk to me... I just thought you should know this. I've been keeping this information from you for almost 4 years now so you may as well know about it. I just want to thank you for everything. You have been one of the most important people in my life (and you still kinda are). By this point, I'm pretty sure you will already have figured out who I am... but I'm gonna tell you anyway... Love you always, Alba