A letter from April 11th, 2020

Dear 21 year old Isabella, It's 18 year old me. By the time you read this, you'll be so close to graduating from nursing school. I can't believe we came this far. From doing absolutely nothing in high school to being an honor roll student, getting accepted to the BN program and receiving thousand dollar scholarships. I am so so proud of you (well me). Last night I had a really bad night. I haven't been feeling the best recently. My mental health isn't good. I feel sad all the time. I really hope you end up fixing it in the future so you can live a happy life without this feeling of a dark cloud over yourself all the time. You probably remember that I am on anti-depressants and I hope you are off them by the time you read this. I want to be healthy again. I don't know where it went wrong. I know our childhood wasn't the best. The house we grew up in was chaotic with constant fighting, arguing and abuse but I want you to be able to overcome all of that because right now, life is really taking a toll on me. I feel like I always want to be alone and its the worst feeling. I feel like everyone in this house hates each other and it's so horrible. I hope its better now (even though that's probably not going to happen). All I know for sure is that you are gonna have a huge glow up from what I look like now. I'm sitting in my bed listening to music with my air-dried hair and I just finished being with the family along with uncle Frank and Dina. My eyelashes are messy and my eyebrows are hairy from not being able to do anything from the quarantine. I hope you look back and laugh at how we had to stay inside for so fucking long. Not sure how long this will last. Anyways, I want you to know that I love you. Right now I feel like such a garbage person. I feel like I am putting my relationship at risk for it ending. I feel like I never want to speak with anyone and I feel so alone. I don't know what to do anymore. I am fucking praying you are not like this in 3 years. Please help yourself and change. You need it. I know you have lots of things fucking you up. I know mom and dad fighting made it horrible but you have to remember that things happen for a reason. They were not meant to be together but things ended up this way. I know you miss Nonna so badly because I cried about her last night. I still can't believe she is gone. All I want to do is see her face one more time, hear her laugh one more time, hug her so tight one more time. The fucking asshole who did that to her. PLEASE TELL ME THEY FOUND THE PERSON WHO RAN HER OVER. If they didn't, please don't be upset. Nonna knows who did it. She will make them suffer like he/she made her suffer. Go visit her by the way. She would want you to. And I know you do too. Go tell mom you love her. Go tell dad you love him. Go tell Amanda and Vanessa you love them. tell all the cats you love them. hug them tightly for me. I want you to tell them how much I love them. Go tell Pearce how much you love and miss him. Right now we had a fight over something stupid as usual. I can't keep going like this. I love him but something wrong with me is gonna push him away. Please stop being this way. Please change. I love you so much. Love, 18 year old Isabella