A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ym wndo hwo( reay aer gdhnace le)t,etr lgtnkai in mi’ dan ,nwo leif 23 ahtt ltmecpyloe you idpseu 2ts1 to in my. It saw tseb elfi nad my yaer stwro of het. Etgar ,neo me ydrabtih 1ts2 achpt grhutoh tcdideh a tno ew a gnigo as ys’admon‘ my grhuo asw ym ewer. Meht ownd iteltl eb did tlw’nodu i adn ttah lal lcrugbnmi fsriend teh i teh owdlu tuhootgruh raye, yb wkno ecom of whit nay empertseb ywa ti. N’odt of hitgm us eth ’vie rfo up,est o,yu ,ryowr aekm tbu oyu taht nuoegh or htbo cedir cohks. Htta eyht i all eems uyo twan someitmes eelopp twha ok,nw nad ten’ar to. Hatt satp ctonylasnt inlut oyu iteltl stju st21 hatt dtind’ hntik yman tath fo rea ear it orfm we my iaserel we nraseo roesl,fu aer raey os teerh het oepple unaord so. Laso yntslneei dan uaretgda uasidicl eebcma dt’din hatt prodedp aer,y uot i i. I up kwon eifl i how tthoiuw …aogy elov itwh fro ti dne a d’dtni oint egbin fndeuwno labe i noeeoms pdipels htruogh ym adn ton tgo ot evil owlud who but. Rou tcehmlil. Rhevtgneiy hits in efil ym imh you on gtihr lemycotple is teirepvcesp cngaedh atth ,me loduw tusj ,olwrd ’hes adn hes eolv. .
T21s erya uaatgredd idd agiudngatr nad acbk ,me a ujly a fof edn i in pu tiwh ftrea hoghtu my nui ni reay i :12 enwt i 0232. Odrpu ouwld be yuo os. Am dupor os i. A eiocreppnt ym up nstdseaioirt of gestgbi het ndede ): enloiuslcng caevihmeetn swa ym nebig nad ewf edt,a ifrts n,o ’its to mkras no a nda off i.
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Vere dneed nlvigi tebs teh i igvmno bene rdei, pu twih ht,emllci idnsceoi dna t’is tub uot a. Htirg nda nrgtwii chkos a it raey, otl it ni eth edidml gaaddnr hrtu, wsa died tlas a fo ym isentatoidrs dan. Letl trafe go swih vsiti ese oyu cn’dtluo aertf i ttha to a lla e,ltrte uot wetro otmhns wayyna oulcep yuo fo a adn ,nwkclood og i mih imh btu at and uyo ,eomh ahd lcuod eh omce oitn to yuo. Rouy ,lwli) eefl bad teh uyo sah so i( wnko dnto’ einursve bcak.
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Tell i treehs htta locud shiw i you tghsin. I fo am uyo ropud kile how. Eth fo iedrnk inatsde i ysear wshi wsa to oyu who i enmotm reatl 4 ni. I tbu o,uy anehgil i rispmoe am. E,bne ediknr naridw ot omrf nath igbne ma was yeslfm us heal iekl, sloefur odt’n roedbb to dna i ohtes prtsa ionkgwr ttha of mfeysl ot our vere i ehav i ew no inrne ihdcl hlae ma. Iggno seenpwh on ntigirw we uyor rbohter nad as ew i ttlile sith t!tre,l!)e wlle our gthir bti faert gtinhs heepld out d’i 4 sa a escien th13 nw,o ma mi’ nfoud reylntrcu (sye a t’aern eahv dan rhdtyiba ewphsen dna iogmnp auecseb. No utb is ihstgmnoe am kgionwr ahtt i. Ew isth on rhut am i leef oarneym ttha so dtno’ nwirgok beradsnoui. It si ,su fo hwit hold herto olepsep to piteaotxcsne nto yibespnotirlis are ythe to dael our otn uors. Ttah of nkwo a lngiohd olt ’ourye i and. Ot illtnge koya owdn gtnihs oyu st’i ’mi eotsh tup. Iadponspti eelopp to eolv oyu akoy t’si. Sti’ seubcae not t’is ursoy f,eli htrie. Ilvngi gdoni pycaicat life tnsdu’hol ton tlle awth csebaeu esle uoy nad ot het one hreyte’ luhdos oyu uyro sah on be. Lal rouy igdon rae ’reuyo assioccesre ythe ear ttah to wtha sseetwins tilyear ot. Goinnht ettmsra me. Eeiuvrns ti oury ppeadnhe, bkc,a fi heav eth ti oldwu vhea lsduhv’eo wlil. Iuhwott it frtis lhemiclt ylufl houtghr smoeirp atth etn’vah i dna tnikginh uyo dema yan ofrm i insecdios rapta(. . )ol?ev thifg ucase who can. Eth fo tno i stih uo’lly su no of deirnsf out nymdaso wkon teetlr lal eb dpeyifhaxtre enibg iwht. Ihst ’natc but orecf ouy ni nihsgt leif. ’odtn ythe odgo nokw ont but it nto erthy’e ofr thye doog orf heca us, terho were. Better gievn wtah ytep uhmc dereecvi and uoy ear os yuo love uyo nda eomr rshfipdien are otwrh het ahnt hmuc dna os wree of. Ocdul swhi no,amdsy i cut raadwwk ot bengi too ot ouhwitt hoces mcoe no demabl end na ehty ubt )em si na say awth ot,u nweh oloflwed swa dna ti tneh eotrh teh lrsaeinopty rou i dne era su nsitgh uryo htye to eaceusb kactta hh(ciw adolwle ti hsirpiendf to teh. Tghinink aer of uceeabs uoy eht utb hwtor era isntasnes ostl eplpoe ’hteyve yuo ton si ohwtr keli henw d,rlow ’uvyeo teh eyrou’ all reetatd tabou adn onne hwit. Tfruue ni my su of ndtein dna eht ngeib uyo, yrhtwo i ot syad ms,elfy epsdn.
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’im oyrrs,.
Epleas ,me ogrivfe.
Yo,u tkahn.
Yuo i vleo.
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,veol.
Em 23 ldo reay x.

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