A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

.
Piuesd eptyolemlc elif ni eayr to haegcnd ee)t,tlr ttah oyu i’m rae odnw ni no,w wh(o t21s ym nda kgltain my 32. Eht ryea dan tseb ym fiel it wtsor wsa of. ‘’nosymad weer tno a one, ongig ertga roguhht sa we em ugroh my ym 2t1s cphat saw a dthdcie yhrbitda. Of btsmereep that wokn wlotdun’ eb i hiwt ltilte ti by idd hemt ifsedrn ra,ey uowld awy nad mgrlcubin eth i hte emoc lal yna nowd oohurttguh. Fro ei’v tpsue, htbo or su ouy htgmi okchs ntd’o ,you cierd htat of nhoeug btu kema eth wr,yor. Et’nar peeplo ythe ot lla tmesemios esme htwa kwon, i adn you htat antw. Sjtu tn’idd we aer so oyu era ttha stpa atht it orfm ts12 atth ym ensaor eht mnya ear unaodr lysttancon ew os yrea u,reolfs htikn titlle fo heter rilaese itunl eoppel. Laos ddppero atth i yae,r araegdtu dna lninyeets nddt’i otu i mebaec dsiaucil. ’niddt gbnie woh i tbu i rouhtgh labe rof g…oay dne leif who my nonfduew smoeeno wkon ot odlwu a ogt i up tnio nad slpdeip not ithw liev leov it otihtwu. Mehclilt ruo. My ecoypltlme thrgi ovel adn me, ehs reynvihgte ni feli tisrevpepec olwud tsuj esh’ r,odwl atth ncgadhe isht on yuo him is. .
21st 2:1 nad adgtguinar 2023 uadeagrdt ohtguh i end lujy ffo niu in bcka ddi ym ihwt in a aetrf up i eyra a ,em twen ryea i. Be uoy pdruo so wludo. Os opudr i ma. Pecprtonei endde ym efw lneulincosg het emetcaeinvh asmrk stbegig iebng to a isrtf of dan no off on, i a s’it adn pu ssetonridita ): my td,ea saw.
.
Out been ubt noigmv ml,chleit rvee dna teh whti eddne pu eir,d i a sit’ tbes sinecido lnvgii. Het fo wsa ni lot a hsock astl a ym it rddaang ti tgrih eddi rntwgii ay,re nad dna tsntodiresia idemld uh,rt. Mih tou nad ceulpo hiws onti ratfe mshnto ,meho a uoy lowkodnc, ees dcluo he i anyyaw i a letl nad ta imh uoy tetlr,e to’dcnul cmeo of ouy tub you ahtt to had isvti to og lal rweot afetr go. Oury lliw,) uyo wnok ackb fele nuerveis the adb ’tdon has so (i.
.
Nhtigs i ltel ttah i rsheet dlcuo hsiw you. Fo dpruo you ohw i ma ilek. Was uoy i realt wish in rnedik i tdsneia who ot mmeont 4 eth fo yeasr. I you, i iemrosp ma nhgilea tub. I hstoe rmfo ibnge srapt that kdeinr to nad orlfues rnein i ebn,e vere elki, no yemlsf swa sylefm aveh lhdci uro us leha htna am am of drobbe ew ot dniwar hale i nrwigko to odn’t. As we sgnith ma teitll npwhees irwnitg oru ginog no tidyabrh dna a tfrae ledhpe sa irtgh otu oignpm hpensew lwel i ew 4 ,won !)!etltr,e ihts ’im uyor and dna tehrbro a ’arnte eahv seeinc ’di nodfu 1t3h y(es ubaeces teunryclr tib. I segomhint wnrokig ma is no htat tub. Ew siht not’d noerasdbui on ornigwk raomney i taht thru fele am so. To uors ruo setsirolpibnyi nto ,us thiw olpspee to oehtr are is eyth fo not toxespeaicnt lhod ti edla. A onkw ahtt euyo’r i nad fo ndgiolh otl. Dnow you hoset kaoy ot s’it tup sitgnh ltnlieg i’m. Elvo idppisanto it’s kyao oyu pepleo ot. Rihte seubcea urosy i’ts otn ’tis fil,e. Lfie ahs nodig hwta no eb ont uyo uoy and hsulod ellt vlgini teh uotlnhds’ to sele neo eebuasc ’tyereh cpiaaytc uroy. Aer oy’ure noidg thta setwnssie are all etyh tahw yuro to to irleyta eociscsears. Em gnhonit ttmsaer. Fi pnehadpe, ti hte ’sulvoehd dowul lwil eesniruv ahve ruoy hvae it ba,kc. Omrf hmetlicl spoemri edam ti t’vahne nya i i tnihinkg thhgruo yuo hatt tsrif lulfy tiohwtu p(traa nda dsosciein. . Anc ifthg hwo ecaus lv?o)e. Peeafihtyxrd us on eb fo of i tleert tihw oknw drseinf ynsodam lloy’u tuo bngie otn hsti lal the. Ntca’ ni tsghni ifle thsi recfo uoy utb. Rfo otn us, orf ton teyh rhteo hete’yr utb good heyt ti ehac eewr oogd nowk ’notd. Etterb ohrwt gvnei ermo eytp neidfhsrip so aer fo vrecdeie dan aer evol yuo oyu cmuh ouy het ewer os nad nhta dan uchm twha. Me) ehrot yhet ttuihwo ot to ays cut tyhe ned bldaem ot sanmo,dy i olweofdl ubt ngebi ifhnedirsp meco tenh na luodc oot si wh(hci het het edn no your i adn na newh it o,ut us dowllea eshoc riptnoslyea awrkadw ti our aktcta gnthsi swa ecsaeub rae ahwt to wihs. Eht noen ktgnihni aecuebs otn rtohw antsniess all aer si ttdaree tslo utb peploe eth oabut klei hwti hwen wohtr ’uyevo ear eouyr’ yuo ehtyve’ fo uyo and wdlro,. Hte yuo, i in uuterf nigeb adn nntdei tyhwro of us spned ot ym sady lmysfe,.
.
Oyrrs, im’.
,em eaplse fviroeg.
Thank ou,y.
Uyo i vleo.
.
,vleo.
32 x me dlo ryae.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Write new comment

Letter Author:

about 14 hours ago

Dear 19 and 23 Year old me,

I am now 25, and life has been quite the whirlwind. I cannot even explain to either of you what the few years that have now passed me will do to your life and sense of self, how absolutely turned upside down your life will get. It has truly been an experience that I will never be able to explain.

I am now engaged. And I am terrified as for this summer I have developed into more of you when I was 19 than you when I was 23. I have become freer, child-like, extroverted, chatting constantly. But with that comes all the things you struggled with that I somehow forgot; the anxiety, sadness and wondering what would've happened if something else went different. I have met some people that I wish I could have in my life 24/7 this summer, and some of them I will try to be friends with for as long as the universe will let me. But one thing to remind all three of us is: just because somethings new and exciting and different, does not make it better or worth throwing away your life for. Trust me.

I have been struggling for the past few weeks, with the same thoughts that plagued me when I was 19. I am slowly letting them go, for who am I without my own love for myself? I promise you both, and future me that I am trying. Believe me when I say that I am in an incredibly better situation and mindset than I have been my whole life. But sometimes these waves of depression ebb and flow and that's just how life is. But as our new friend T has said to me this week: "an ebb is coming, I can absolutely promise you that. We are stronger than our thoughts".

This ache in my chest will go away soon I am sure of it, and in another 2, 3, 5 years when I come across this again, this will be different as life always is. Life will be different next week, or the next month or even tomorrow. You can never know where life is going to take you.

I love you both dearly, someone in this world finally knows our biggest secret and I promise you they were the right person to trust with it. You both deserve better, I deserve better too.

Love,
25 year old me x

Load more comments