A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Seuipd my dagechn you 1ts2 era lceypolmte lte)ter, 23 my in glnkita ni htat to nodw own, mi’ ho(w dna eilf arye. Eyar the it asw sebt fo nda ostwr my feli. Me getar ew edictdh my ewre a rguoh ont one, ryhbitad ym swa 2s1t y‘onm’sda sa atcph hrogthu a gogni. Ye,ar the ’ulwdton eb luowd tath konw adn it tthughrouo awy i lal i by eth mhet wdon fo ihtw dfinrse ayn moce teitll ddi trpbeemse crnubmigl. Choks ofr the ttah fo ndo’t ups,te ecdir thmig ,you hneoug or ohtb uyo ,yworr us tub kame v’ei. I lal htat and kwo,n to mteessmoi tanw yhte awth emse a’enrt yuo opplee. Thnki ormf are nruaod it fo thta jtsu ym yuo peelpo d’tidn ttah ew raoens os het tpsa are eerth ear ltleti l,rfesou thta raey os aslerie 1s2t lunit tsynlnacto we mnya. Tuo oasl i orepddp ttah er,ay cliausdi i nad dartguea esitnnley ditd’n beacem. Vloe rutgohh elvi ym a tiuwoth ubt …oayg owh i’ddtn ihtw ton how aleb oeosnem i i ot it ibgen got ned pu epilspd iont kwon orf i dan wduol uenowfdn elif. Teilclhm oru. Ehs anedcgh utjs on adn ttah levo my ’esh eheinygrtv tppcveiseer oluwd shit e,m leif is rwo,ld ni yuo opcelyletm higtr mhi. .
Ni edn i :21 ujyl ts12 off eyra me, did a itadgurnga earatgudd kcab up in i hiwt and ym 2230 reay etarf netw nui i a tuoghh. Eb uyo roudp so lwuod. So i ma druop. My ade,t edend ioptencepr o,n a fof hte to up no amrks goleniluncs sfirt a sdositnartei i and fwe asw fo ): igtgbse bnige ’tis ym nad vectneihema.
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Ended iecnosid i pu tis’ a eneb ch,ltemli but and invilg bets tou gmnivo the edir, vree ihtw. A ,eyra wgnrtii eth a tlo dgranad it u,thr atsl fo kohcs and swa dna in osrtiiaentds ilemdd it igrht eddi ym. Adn to i ta he that ees u’tlcdon of h,moe ynaawy tower a thsonm and ocme uoy mhi i dha him uto lla etrfa to dlok,wocn a lduco iisvt faetr yuo ,rettle eltl oyu og onit og ihws you oleucp btu. (i sah bakc adb eefl i,l)wl uory wkno os het seevniru dtn’o yuo.
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I i hiws oyu seehtr oucdl tath hntgsi ellt. I of rupod yuo iekl how ma. Ot i woh of moment ltera teh eaidnts i iswh uoy esayr 4 ni rkeidn wsa. I am liehang o,uy i utb smporei. From adn fmlesy naidrw am hatn avhe of leah ymlesf ot ferolsu i erev nkdire egibn nt’od lchdi be,en dbeobr erinn irwogkn to tsheo i leki, on ew uro to htat aelh i am su aws trasp. Ew sabeuce own, veah ryuernltc t!r!l,te)e oryu ofdun im’ nhtgis eenisc oru adn rna’et as ginog npmgio i bit rwngiti hpdeel hpsneew hwnpsee we adn uto adrbyiht sa a tihgr ’id adn 4 (sye ma illtet ewll stih h1t3 aertf no a beothrr. I ngmtoshie thta ma is on iwrokng tub. Reayomn arduebnois i os am we thsi rkonwgi eefl tath rhut on dn’to. Us, ont ot sprylitoiisben tyeh fo is to are hodl whit ton oru ruos lade ti esleppo tctaeeonxsip ohret. A fo i tath tlo gonihld owkn oruye’ dan. Stheo lniglet ot uoy put is’t i’m ykoa ownd ghitns. Evlo to soipdtinap ts’i uyo koya eepopl. ’tsi ,efil caeuebs ehitr yorus s’ti tno. Dogni eht oudlsh yuo ilfe ligvni uyo to uoyr bceesau ahtw capcitya else ltnsdouh’ be on llte and ont neo hsa t’rehey. Ehty scsciaseero whta era ahtt ot etsiensws oryu riyltea to era all ngoid yoru’e. Ontghin me rmsttae. Riesnvue fi eht vhea it dowul ca,kb ti royu veah eaehppd,n liwl lso’hvedu. Iisedonsc tath kgntihni i orfm osrpemi ftris r(pata ti heciltml nt’haev uwtioth nda oyu i uflly dmae huhtgor any. . Cesau itghf oev)l? acn who. Irnfeds the eetrtl i eb on dsanoym not of ownk lal tihs yerxetdpiahf iengb uot fo ’oulyl tihw us. ’nact life ihts hgisnt btu uyo oefcr ni. Echa thye ont weer ton oreth wkon ’dton ubt good s,u rfo for dgoo ’rytehe ythe ti. Siidpfrhen and of uoy uyo eth ouy evgni os uchm erew so awht emro tnha dan mcuh rae hwtro btrtee vdericee levo nda are yept. Teh neht ned inirshfedp utb ot i ear cattka si )em na llwaeod siwh and c(hhwi nhtsgi rou us erayonltisp bgnie tcu uyro ti adonyms, meco hte to htaw ot i adrwkwa no asy swa amledb na ,tou dlocu it hwen nde ceaebsu efdlolow tehy osche to ehty whtouit oot terho. Wenh of htwro oyu lla but ton and olts hiwt hte dwo,lr none you het are ederatt uabot iekl rhwto eolepp is ue’ory era esssiannt uyov’e ’heyetv eacbesu tnhgikni. Of lsy,mfe urtfeu dsya ot dtinen ,yuo i epnsd su my adn biegn the ni rwhoty.
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’mi ,ryros.
Me, eepasl erivgof.
Ntkah ou,y.
I ouy lveo.
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Lov,e.
Em 32 eary ldo x.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

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