A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Nodw my ni psediu nagtkli ylplemetco file ni ho(w i’m ouy ear hcadeng 32 1s2t dan ot my that ,wno eyra tteler,). Steb it of efil swa wsrto yera hte nda my. Htgruho tno swa sa my guorh my a tchidde em n,eo iabrhtdy a y‘msodna’ aptch rewe 21ts gnogi tearg ew. Eseemrtbp uonwltd’ yrea, lal htta teh odwn nya eittll ti tihw of nlbrmcugi i yb dan srniedf oecm i hoghurttuo tmeh ulowd eht ayw ddi wnok be. Tbu s,etpu hte cskho ro ouy wyo,rr fo uhengo us make htob u,yo hatt i’ev rof edric ighmt ndto’. Eyth mese uoy te’nar nwat dna someiesmt ot wk,no taht lla eppeol i hatw. Year ttha rfom taht luint stap naourd ew we anloyctnts s12t onesar of nmya liettl d’indt oelpep ym aer heter lurseof, ithnk htat era eerslia the os aer so tjsu it yuo. Tsleieynn i beemca ’ntddi lsao drdeopp ya,re thta uidiscla nda otu i rdeatuag. Tog up olev a…ogy lefi not a who otuthwi ugtrhoh i tihw end ilev udwlo to rfo i ym n’ddti msoonee iont i lspdpie dan ebal nwok wonudnef it ubt iegbn who. Mtieclhl our. Eevgnhtyri dlwr,o uyo no voel owlud ehs ihts ahtt utjs dna in ceotylempl acnghed him is ’seh my ecvperptsei trigh ielf e,m. .
Daurtegad thwi uyjl a ni twne nad 21: aguniartdg 3220 ddi cbka i ym ryae pu ryea i i m,e a s21t in uni dne hugoth ffo tefar. So you be odwlu dupor. Os urodp am i. A ): no n,o bengi ,deta rpceitnope ts’i fo the my ot dna ym dna ncnlesgouli ededn aws a msark gbsgite few taotissndrei eenhemtavci i sfirt pu off.
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Ciiondes nvomig hitw llhiecm,t i teh eevr it’s ir,ed uot enbe dan utb pu a sebt gnilvi ndeed. Stal hrtgi nad was th,ru fo radagnd dedi lto ym scohk limedd dan nretidoaists ,yrea it trgwnii it hte in a a. Tlel that nyywaa dna ihm dna noit eh earft ocme had a ouy uyo og lal tou werot ees of ,cwnloodk uyo a oyu utb i hsiw etfar tsiiv sotmnh to om,eh hmi cludo elttr,e ot c’duotln i at go cpeulo. Cakb lli)w, knwo hsa bda tdno’ efle ivrneuse os het (i oyur ouy.
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Ahtt tesreh yuo lduoc shitgn ellt i i hsiw. Eilk fo am i how uyo udrop. Denrik ihsw relat yuo who i i rysea ntomme saw to sadtnei het in of 4. I mroesip ,uoy btu am i gliehna. Uerfosl bene, to ahev hael of am hseto iorkgnw am nrnie i lyesmf i reobbd meslyf oru on htat fomr aws eahl atnh to us ptars dnikre ’todn egnbi anwdri dchil we to e,kli erve i nad. Wlel hedlep we nda a oru 4 as ew ihtngs bhortre nctrryuel efrat wheensp ngiog ye(s ,now tou !l,et!tr)e ehva i ryou adn iltetl sa t1h3 anetr’ ibhyadrt isht rigniwt ’im am nad bti no a auesbec eceisn ’id ngopim hrgit hpnewse dfnuo. I am ikowrng ahtt on is tub tsoehnmig. Leef no itsh ew i am ’notd hurt rduoebsain ttha meoryan os irkwgon. Rae etyh ldho tapexectsnoi our fo tno osliintbiyeprs tno ti suro spepleo retoh ot hwit us, aled ot is. Hnglodi nokw tath of a tlo dan eyr’ou i. You ist’ ptu ngiellt sothe koya to dwon mi’ tnishg. Snaotiidpp to vole peeolp is’t you kyoa. F,lie ton sryou st’i hetir ecesbua ’its. Oen esle tlu’sdhon hte aaipctcy to sah yoru elfi givinl llte atwh on should nda ouy hrtyee’ ignod seeuacb be ton oyu. Ethy atth all era uoye’r to goidn ytralie cieascrsoes swestiesn aer ot yrou hatw. Ttasmer em ginohtn. Fi ehav e,pehndpa it evhosudl’ oyur ,bkca revseuni wlil oudlw it hte vahe. Hmctelli sdoisince ulylf iorepsm adme and yna i pra(at it taht rfits othguhr i uyo ofmr htouwit tv’enah nigihtkn. . Acseu )el?vo how ifthg can. Tou gbien on us tetrel hsit i tno ’lolyu xtepyadrfihe be iferdsn htiw fo lal nkow eth aonmsdy fo. Ouy efrco efil ni tish ctan’ ubt higsnt. For godo u,s ewre tbu ont yeht et’ryeh htey rheto dt’no it otn onwk ogod heca orf. Omre twah mchu elvo uyo whtor os rwee uyo adn ihndeipfsr eedcrvei mhuc era os aer and tepy fo eingv rbette ouy eth dan hant. Ti too ouyr twha aer nehw yas npoiarlytse to het edn ot cattka eshoc hintsg bnige ot to su nhet cbseaue dne si em) aewllod i ti an na no amyno,ds mceo dlcuo dealbm eyht rhteo eyht rkaadww nda hte i o,ut iutwtoh h(ihcw aws hswi tcu tbu dsieirnhpf olwfledo oru. Wthro hnkginit ,olrdw dan scebuae tlso y’hteev is oyu tbu poelpe eonn newh baotu lla hiwt of liek yruoe’ aer aesstnisn the owhtr teh e’vuyo edeartt uoy era tno. Edntni e,fmlsy us of my dspen the wrhtyo i ftueur to in inegb y,uo asyd adn.
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R,yosr mi’.
Evfgrio ,em eepals.
Knhta uyo,.
Oevl you i.
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Ol,ve.
X arye dol 23 me.

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Letter Author:

about 2 months ago

Dear 19 and 23 Year old me,

I am now 25, and life has been quite the whirlwind. I cannot even explain to either of you what the few years that have now passed me will do to your life and sense of self, how absolutely turned upside down your life will get. It has truly been an experience that I will never be able to explain.

I am now engaged. And I am terrified as for this summer I have developed into more of you when I was 19 than you when I was 23. I have become freer, child-like, extroverted, chatting constantly. But with that comes all the things you struggled with that I somehow forgot; the anxiety, sadness and wondering what would've happened if something else went different. I have met some people that I wish I could have in my life 24/7 this summer, and some of them I will try to be friends with for as long as the universe will let me. But one thing to remind all three of us is: just because somethings new and exciting and different, does not make it better or worth throwing away your life for. Trust me.

I have been struggling for the past few weeks, with the same thoughts that plagued me when I was 19. I am slowly letting them go, for who am I without my own love for myself? I promise you both, and future me that I am trying. Believe me when I say that I am in an incredibly better situation and mindset than I have been my whole life. But sometimes these waves of depression ebb and flow and that's just how life is. But as our new friend T has said to me this week: "an ebb is coming, I can absolutely promise you that. We are stronger than our thoughts".

This ache in my chest will go away soon I am sure of it, and in another 2, 3, 5 years when I come across this again, this will be different as life always is. Life will be different next week, or the next month or even tomorrow. You can never know where life is going to take you.

I love you both dearly, someone in this world finally knows our biggest secret and I promise you they were the right person to trust with it. You both deserve better, I deserve better too.

Love,
25 year old me x

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