A letter from January 8th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Okay So Its wendesday, 8 January 2020. Im currently at my mom's place in Deva. Tomorrows is Sebi's birthday. Today I think I made the decision to live. So in the past months and including this one, in case you wont remember, Ive lost some friends. Andreea and Filip. And well Ive also realized that even tho I care about Ade she doesnt care about me and I was right. It hit me a bit hard. In the past days Ive had like 7 mental breakdown, all about myself and my depression. Ive been in a very bad place until yesterday or so when I remembered who tf I was. So Anyhow Im writing this for you, the me that I will be a year and a half later. I wanna record this moment because i feel like its a very important moment in my life. I think. Its been almost 12 years since Im dealing with depression and this the first time Im willing to actually try living and moving on. Its been some reeaaally long 12 years but I think my time has finally come. I feel like the biggest reason why I didnt managed to overcome my depression until now is because I didnt let go of the past. I feel like if I did, all the suffering I went through, all the tears I cried and everything negative I felt would have been for nothing. Like I wasted my time and nobody would even had a chance to show it cared if I let go. When I realized that in order to be free and enjoy whatever I can I have to start forgiving, thats when I knew my time has come. The time to finally grow up and forgive and let go of all the hate and resentment I held back inside me. So, even tho I ended up at this conclusion I still dont know if living is the answer. I still dont know what happiness is and I still dont know if I will ever find it. But I know I will find a way and move on. Right now, I am going to start trying to be a healthier person, physicaly and mentally, Im going to learn japanese like Ive always wanted to despite what my parents want, I will try watching more ghibli movies and drink tea cause I know you really used to like that. I promise you that one day I will start reading again and that no matter what I will try to find a way out of this mess. Also I just decided that after I finish highschool Im going on a trip. Where? Well first Russia so I would meet Tanya, then Finland most probably. And after that I will keep visiting as many countries as I can. I will do this for as long as I will be able and when I will be done maybe I will come back to Romania. And then I intend to go to a college and Im not sure what job I want to have but I feel like I will get my answer by then. Im currently in love with HxH, Steins;Gate and Vinland Saga. I would protect these animes with all my life. Ive also recently read mo dao zu shi and its great. I hope that a year later: -I will be more mentally stable -I will be more physicaly healthy -I will be able to read again -I will find a way to gather money so I could leave -I will by more sweaters that I will love -maybe find out what happiness is?? And now, for the end, I genuiely hope you will be okay until then and remove any other friends that dont deserve you and that you will find a way to not only forgive others, but also forgive yourself.