A letter from January 5th, 2020

Today, you got the answer you have always wondered. It wasn't pleasant at the very least nor was it the kind that you can simply shrug off. It was frustrating, it was maddening, and it was just too sad. At some point, you knew it was coming but there was always a hopeful voice that reminded you it might turn out differently. It didn't. There were small, subtle flags that you have always spotted but there were also small streaks of signs that kept you going. You hoped for it. You wanted it to happen. You longed for it. But today, it was clear as day. It will never happen. He made that clear to you. His parents despise it, his brother thinks that it's dumb, and life will just not adjust for two souls in separate continents that wanted to be together. It just doesn't work that way. That day, the playful conversation you had quickly turned into a serious one. It started with silly nicknames incorporating blocks or books that were only exclusively understandable between you two. Then, it made a turn on an opinion you didn't prepare to listen to. "Yea, I will date around and see what happens." He said. You weren't mad. There was no ounce of hate. You were just sad. He continued saying he would talk more but he cared about how you were gonna feel. You made him talk, anyway. You always wanted a direct answer all this time and that moment you finally did have the answer. It's a weird feeling when you catch feelings for someone you never personally know. It's weird to most, probably something other people would say is fake or impossible. But when and how? You don't even know. You never chose to be in this situation but sometimes, you just don't get to choose. Your tears kept coming. There just seems to be no end on that day. Exchanging past moments held dear between the two of you, it seemed like a subtle way of letting each other go but never really going away. You both have feelings for each other. You both made it clear. But, it just isn't happening. Countless times you asked why and countless times he answered you with the reality you don't want to admit. Maybe him being realistic was a good thing. It controls your fantasies and reminds you to place your feet on the ground. I wrote this letter because other than being secretly sentimental, I'm writing this to remind you (my future self, really) that you did your best. You chased for it, you fought for it, and you cherished it. Even if it didn't work out, you learned from it. You found each other in the first few days of 2019. It was unexpected, and all throughout the year, it was full of stupid moments. You loved it all. Emails, kale, and even a dumb book club created in Google Docs...But life never lets you stay on ecstasy for too long. January 5, 2020. You both let each other go. I hope you're doing great at this time (Japanese & Self-love) I love him, you know that all too well. What happened now?