A letter from December 31st, 2019

Dear FutureMe, Why is waiting in uncertainty so hard? Would I rather be unhappy than uncertain? Certainly not, but it feels so tempting. I want to know if he is seeing someone else in our still-not-yet-monogamous relationship, but I don't want to know. I want to ask, I don't want to ask. I want to know if our relationship is going somewhere. If he sees me in his life in the future. I love him but I can't tell him. I am so scared to say anything other than to pretend everything is fine and easy. But I don't know how much more I can keep my feelings to myself, to not say "I love you." To not say, "I want us to be exclusive." But if I do, will he pull away? The biggest gift I can give to him is patience, so my best friend says, and those are wise words. His life has been much more chaotic recently than mine in all fairness. But I hope by the time you read this letter futureme, you are more settled, happier, more certain. I hope that you have talked openly about your relationship with him and have clarity and that your future together is bright. If it is not looking bright with him, then I hope you can heal and move on toward a better future starting now. You are worth it. Wish I could hug you ever day until then, hold your hand, and tell you it will be alright. Love, Current me