A letter from December 7th, 2019

hey buddy, I know what you're going through right now, I know it sucks and it doesn't feel good at all, and no matter how many times you go through this or how many times the pattern repeats, I will always be here, and know that it's okay, there's nothing wrong with you, this is normal, and it's okay, this is not your fault, I get it if you feel guilty or ashamed, or responsible for others feelings, and this too is not your fault it's okay, you're doing your very best, and I'm proud of you, even of you have as many setbacks as you can have, you're okay, you're safe, and I love you, you're human, and what you have done on your own is amazing, your determination is really inspiring, with all the hard times you always push, through, sometimes you feel defeated and you lose hope and it is okay, I love you no matter what, of course this will happen sometimes, I mean look at you, very few people have your drive and bravery, you are so brave for facing your fears and doing the inner work, it's okay to feel anything, it's okay to not know what is going on, all you need to do is feel, it's just feelings and it'll pass, you got this, you can do it, I know sometimes it can be hard, you worry what others think, and how can you not, you've been through so much pain and hardship, and your childhood wasn't exactly full of love and people undertanding you, you didn't have someone who you can talk to and know they will accept you for who you are, and you are not to blame for what you're experiencing right now, it's not your fault that you feel that way around others, it's not your fault that sometimes you feel powerless around others like you're stuck like you have no choice like you're responsible for them and their feelings, that you're bad for making them feel uncomfortable and upsetting them, I know it's tempting to turn on yourself and judge yourself for feeling this way, and beating yourself up to change, but you and I know this doesn't work and this only makes you feel worse about yourself, whatever happened in the past is in the past, you can't change it, and you're okay now, your past doesn't have to define you, I feel your pain, I understand that it's hard, and sometimes you feel like giving up, I know buddy, it's hard it sucks, but you're okay now, you're safe, and I love you no matter what, I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry for getting angry at you before, I'm sorry for all the times where I judged you where I told you people aren't gonna like you, where I told you you suck, where I told you something is wrong with you, there's nothing wrong with you, you desreve to be happy, you don't desreve to be sad, and I absolutely hate it when you I see you sad, I want just the best for you, I'm sorry, I love you, you will achieve everything you want, you will get through it, some people will dislike you, some people might hate you and judge you and think something is wrong with you and this is totally okay, but many many people will love you and absolutely adore you, because you are awesome, you are so brave, you are intelligent, you are funny, you are handsome, you are a great person to be around, you're very perceptive of others' emotions and feelings, you are very comforting to be around, you are a great friend, and you are a great lover, your heart is so big and it's beautiful, you're so full of love and compassion, you're wrothy of love and belonging, also you are not for everybody, you only need your people, yes sometimes you are angry, sometimes you are jealous of others, you judge others, you feel bad about yourself, sometimes you are not confident, sometimes you're not outgoing, sometimes you are nervous anxious depressed, and it's okay, you're human this is a part of you, and you are also all of the good things above, you are all those things, and you're a beautiful soul, and I love you, you got this you can do it, I'm proud of you, keep going, this is the way, the only way, and I'm here whenever you need me, you matter to me more than anything in the world. it's okay to take care of yourself, it's healthy to be selfish, to take care of you first, you are not responsible for anyone's feeling or how they react to your actions, you are not responsible for anticipating their needs and meeting them, it's not a sustainable way to live, and it will make you resentful and less loving, meanwhile if you take care of yourself and your needs first you will feel more open free and loving and then you'll be able to love more and to help others, I love you so much , I love you, I love you. and remember no matter what happens the most important thing is to love yourself to your fullest extent always foegive yourself immediately, and whenever you notice yourself judging your self, congratulate yourself, because you caught the pattern, and then you can offer yourself love and forgiveness, be proud of yourself, you are one of very few, very few people are willing to look inward and grow and heal, you are very prescious to me, and if you keep going on your path you will achieve your dreams, you will get great friends, you will be able to date and even feel relaxed and have fun and enjoy yourself, you don't need to suffer unnecessarily to get there, and know that what you are seeking is not out there, it's within you cause no natter how much you achieve, no matter how many great friends you have, even if you're dating the best woman in the world if you don't have love for yourself, you will still suffer and feel not enough and you will never feel worthy, this is not what you need, what you really need is to feel loved and accepted and this begins inside you, there's nothing you need to do to earn that love, you are worthy as you are right now with all your good things and the flaws, you only have to open the door of your heart and let it in, all the love you need is within you, and it's okay to love yourself, it's necessary, you gotta stop holding a grudge against yourself and treating yourself like you're not enough and like you don't deserve it and like you need to do something before you let yourself love yourself, like you need to achieve A or B and then you can love yourself, no, this just never ends, there will always be something that you need to achieve, you know how that has made you feel, it sucks the joy out of everything. it's okay to let go of that idea, let go it's okay, you might do that because you think this will make you better, but it doesn't, you're afraid that if you let yourself love yourself now, you will just turn into and ego maniac, and you will stop moving forward you will just turn into a pleasure seeking person, but you can let all that BS go now, it's not true, holding love against yourself doesn't motivate you to become a better person, it only makes your progres slower and makes you suffer, loving yourself will set you free, you will start taking care of yourself better, life will flow much easier, and you will do better in everything, everything will be smoother. anyway my beloved I'm rambling for too long now. now go get 'em tiger, may you find peace, may be free from pain and suffering, may know your true essence as love, may you be happy, may find everlasting peace, may you be awakened. you are loved, I love you deeply, and may you find the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome