A letter from December 19th, 2018

dear saffia, i don't know if you'll be alive when you read this. i don't know if you'll be happy and better in life, or if you'll be worse and sadder. let me tell you a bit about yourself, you are currently sitting in your bed, your hands are shaking and you were just downstairs in the kitchen with a knife on your wrist, wishing for blood to drip from your wrist, while your parents are five feet away watching a tom cruise movie. you just got a D in biology, your college class. your dad is lecturing you and talking about all your failures and talking about how you're fake and you do everything to show off. he is telling you that you'll never get anywhere in life. you believe him. you're in the bathroom with a star ring, using the sharp edges to scratch into your skin over and over. you're asking god to take you, that you don't want to be alive. you don't want to wake up every time you sleep. you want to die. you've felt like this since 7th grade and you realized that this isn't something you're supposed to feel for 3 years straight. you shouldn't want to die, but you do. this is for you saffia, senior year, i want to tell you that if you feel the same way i described just now, then you need to see a doctor. you need to end this. because i give you until senior year to **** yourself. you need to tell your doctor that every night you stand with a knife to your skin, digging it in just to see the blood, just to turn your emotional pain to physical pain. you need to tell your doctor that you've felt this way since 7th grade. you need to ask for help. you need to let your mom know whats going on. its not like your dad would believe you anyways. i want you to live. i want you to stay alive. but if you don't get help now, you will **** yourself this year. 2021 will be your last year alive. you'll **** yourself on your 18th birthday, your fantasy. to **** yourself on your birthday so you can end the year right. i hope you don't have to do any of this. i hope you're better now. this is for you saffia, the version where you are better. where you want to live. where you're happy and have a good relationship with your mental health. i want to tell you that you did it. you got better. you're okay now. the sadness will never leave but you made it out the tunnel of darkness. i am proud of you. proud that you didn't **** yourself. proud that you don't want to **** yourself. proud that you listened to god and had patience. proud that you stayed strong. i hope your senior year ends right. i hope your ready for UGA or wherever your going. i hope you do good in life. don't ever forget this version of yourself that's writing this, it's the reason you're here.