A letter from May 5th, 2018

Dear FutureMe, Let’s just keep this in English, otherwise cringe. I am really struggling with motivation these days. I have no fucking idea what the HELL is wrong with me. My whole life I was craving for things I thought which would fix my life. Now I achieved all those things I longed for the most (boyfriend, artsy education, big flat, part time jobs in graphics) and It feels like I achieved NOTHING. I‘m trapped in my head again. Maybe I always was. Maybe I am the one who is bullying me and not the world. Or the circumstances. Or any people. I am so frustrated! I can’t even tell what’s stopping me. It’s like an invisible wall or some kind of invisible energy vampire draining the life out of me. I feel like I wasted so much time already. Like I wasted away my life. The funny thing is, this thinking helps nothing and just leads to more wasting. What the HELL is wrong with me. I dislike my first world problem stupid loser ass. Sometimes I feel like it’s my destiny to stay mediocre and don’t live up to my potential and dreams, which is complete and utter B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. I just have to get up my ass, but something is stopping me. Holy f4ck!!! Am always craving for something, and when 8 have it, I either crave for something else or am bored and wonder what’s the meaning of life after all. Why can’t I be fucking happy?! It’s not like I’m being really depressed (been there...) it’s just like I forgot or unlearned how to be happy! I could when I was a kid! Why can’t I be happy and make something out of the incredible possibilities given to me?! It’s like I actively try to fuck shit up. Maybe I am just a drama queen. I don’t know. And I can’t really put my finger on it. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. My life is such a mess. Although it’s not. I am. Maybe it comes down to my old motto once again. I have this great ability to ruin everything that’s good for me. I hope to god you improved yourself, future me. Please do not disappoint me.